Howard Wolowitz quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Howard

It's a date. Just pick one.

Sheldon

It's not just a date, it's a textbook optimization problem. There is a perfect date, just like there's a perfect room temperature and a perfect dessert.

Penny

There's no perfect dessert.

Sheldon

Yellow cake in the shape of a dinosaur with chocolate frosting, scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, not touching. You'll see. You'll have it at our wedding.

Amy

You wanna bet?

Oh, come on. You can't really be disappointed [about having a baby boy].

Howard

Hey, I barely know how to be a man myself. Now I have to teach someone?

Sheldon

As the saying goes, "Those who can't do, teach."

Amy

Don't you want a little version of Howard?

Bernadette

I already have a little version of Howard.

Howard

Heck, now I'm having a son. I'll have to teach him how to play sports, and watch sports, and-and-and-and-and...

[to Leonard] He just ran out of "Man Things", he's in trouble.

Amy

Well, if it helps, you all behaved terribly and you deserve what you got.

Sheldon

Well that doesn't help, at all. Sometimes your social skills are very poor.

Howard

I can't believe we let Kripke use us like that.

Penny

You know, maybe you're all more like the guy who didn't invent the electric car, and less like the guy who didn't invent the light bulb.

Leonard

She's right, maybe we're all a bunch of Teslas after all. [Howard and Sheldon smile]

Amy

Didn't Tesla die penniless, forgotten and insane?

Howard

You may have a point about her social skills.

Sheldon

He wasn't insane.

Leonard

He did fall in love with a pigeon.

Sheldon

Well, if we're gonna call Tesla crazy for loving something small and unappealing, we might as well put Penny in a padded cell right now.

Howard

Well, this party's a disaster.

Don't blame the party! You know how many favors I had to call in with my bounce house guy to get Wonder Woman?

Howard

Is that Wonder Woman?

Technically, it's a Chinese knockoff called Happy Strong Swimsuit Lady.

Howard

[referring to Sheldon and Amy] Are they acting strange?

Leonard

I don't think they're acting.

I'm Rajesh Koothrappali. Thank you for taking a walk with me... through the stars.

Leonard

That pause seems to get longer every time.

Howard

I do believe... you're right.

Sheldon

Howard, I want you to know I forgive you.

Howard

Thanks, I'll take it.

Leonard

Do you even know what he's forgiving you for?

Howard

Don't know, don't care. Happy Yom Kippur to me.

Sheldon

I just learned some distressing news. Amy sometimes doesn't do things because it would hurt my feelings.

Howard

First of all, it's not sometimes, its always.

Second, it's not just Amy, it's everyone.

Howard

And third, it's not news, it's well established.

Bernadette

[first lines as Bernadette wakes Howard up] Howie. Howie, wake up. It's time.

Howard

[waking up] Oh. Did your water break?

Bernadette

No.

Howard

Are you feeling any contractions?

Bernadette

No.

Howard

[she starts to climb out of bed] Wait. Well, where are you going?

Bernadette

To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.

Leonard

What you got there?

Penny

Oh, I grabbed a sandwich at the food truck out front.

Sheldon

Wait, n-now hold on. Tonight is Friday, and I believe you know what that means.

Penny

That my fun, young life took a drastic turn somewhere?

Sheldon

No.

Leonard

But yeah.

Sheldon

No, that means it's Chinese food night.

Penny

Yeah, and you have Chinese food, so eat it.

Sheldon

But I can smell your pastrami.

Howard

And we can all hear your complaining, so no one's happy.

[relaxing in Howard's jacuzzi] Oh, this is the life. What could be better than this?

Howard

If you weren't wearing one of my swimsuits.

I'll give it back.

Howard

You know the rule. Once it touches heinie, it's no longer miney.

You're such a prude. Do you know all the things this water's touching right now?

Howard

[getting out] Well, I'm relaxed enough.

If Bruce Banner is driving a rental car and turns into the Hulk, do you think it's covered, or does he need to add the Hulk as an additional driver?

Howard

You really need a girlfriend.

Oh, my God! This tomato is amazing! I can eat it like an apple.

The secret is I fertilze it with my own manure.

Howard

The look on your face.

Leonard

It's a sort of grin. You wanna know which kind?

Sheldon

I've learned to accept change.

Howard

Since when?

Sheldon

Since Amy changed her shampoo from Prell to Prell for oily hair. Although I miss how her head used to slide off the pillow. [walks to the counter]

Denise

Hello, can I help you?

Sheldon

Who are you?

Denise

I'm Denise, the new assistant manager.

Sheldon

Nope! [Drops the comic book and runs out]

Penny

Now we got a lot of family coming in tomorrow. I'm gonna need everyone's help. Think of this as one of your comic book movies. There's a bunch of superheroes, each with a different task.

Oh, like the new Avengers

Bernadette

Which one was that?

Howard

The one you slept through last weekend.

Bernadette

Ah. That was a good nap.

Amy

I think it's more like, uh,... like Lord of the Rings, and you're the Fellowship. Someone's gotta go to Gondor, someone's gotta go to Mordor, someone's gotta hold off the Demon of Shadow and Flame.

Leonard

You mean the Balrog?

Amy

I mean my mother.