Howard Wolowitz quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Boy, all this standing is making me tired. Good thing I brought my collapsible stick-chair!

Howard

Stick-chair? You look like an idiot on that thing.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.

Howard Wolowitz

Maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer?

Leonard Hofstadter

It's not a bad idea.

Hey, you must have someone in your family who's a lawyer.

Howard

Why? Because I'm Jewish? That's like me saying "Hey, you're Indian! Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?"

My cousin does work in a call center.

Howard

And my cousin's a lawyer.

Bernadette

I left my phone downstairs!

Howard

Dammit, so did I!

Bernadette

I have my iPad.

Howard

What are you going to do, email 911?!

Howard

[after feeling the baby kicking] There's a baby in there!

Bernadette

Oh yeah, that's where I put it.

Leonard

You're awful quiet. Everything okay?

Sheldon

I'm concerned about Amy. She's acting a bit odd lately.

Howard

Just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you?

Amy

Ever since I met Penny, I've been envious of her looks.

Penny

Awww. Thank you.

Amy

That's why I was so happy when you cut your hair off.

Penny

WHAT?!?

Amy

You know what I mean. You were still hot, but more like a "Why'd that hot girl cut off all her hair?" hot.

Penny

[to Leonard] Well, you liked my short hair, right?

Leonard

Yeah, I... loved it. Love you, love the hair, would love to change the subject.

Penny

[to the group] Seriously? None of you liked it?

Bernadette

I thought it was brave. Does that count as liking it?

Penny

You know, how come nobody's talking about Howard's dopey haircut?

Bernadette

I think he looks cute.

Howard

I think you're cure.

I think you're both cute.

Penny

I think I hate all of you nerds!

Bernadette

[in tears] How come Stuart can get her to stop crying, but I can't?

Howard

It's Stuart. Maybe she's playing possum until he goes away.

Bernadette

Not funny.

She's tired. That was funny.

Howard

Okay. I'm zeroing out the electro-osmotic flow rate in the microfluidic channel.

Leonard

Nicely done, Howard.

Howard

Well, my wife is four foot ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly, I know my way around tiny things.

Leonard

Good for you. On the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.

Howard

Those are just the things I say out loud.

Howard

How'd you even get that up the stairs?

Sheldon

I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn't.

Howard

How's my favorite girl?

Bernadette

Good.

Howard

[hugs Bernadette] Whatcha doing?

Bernadette

Making lasagna.

Howard

Oh, she's sexy, she can cook, such a lucky guy.

Bernadette

You want something stupid or you did something stupid?

Howard

No! I just walked in here, saw how beautiful you are, and had to tell you.

Bernadette

Oh dear God, you're cheating on me with Raj. [smiles]

Howard

[chuckles] That one never gets old.

Sheldon

Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.

Howard

Unless it was singing "Be Our Guest," I doubt it.

Howard

This is supposed to be our family fun day. What's so important on your phone?

Bernadette

I'm on the daycare's website.

Howard

Well, stop looking at that. The daycare's great! It's on campus, my office is two minutes away. There's nothing to worry about.

Bernadette

What if she likes the people who work there more than us?

Howard

She already likes soap bubbles more than us!

Sheldon

Wait, so you're just gonna take all the work we've done for the last year and toss us aside?

That one I can tell you. Yes.

Howard

Well, this is all very upsetting.

I'm sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people's feelings.

Sheldon

Wait, if that's sarcasm, please save it for our enemies!

Sheldon

[looks around the empty room] The Air Force did it again! They're erasing our lives!

Leonard

[looks at the door] Third floor. Wrong apartment.

Howard

Although, if anyone would clean out your apartment and disappear, it'd be Penny.

Leonard

She might disappear, but she's definitely not cleaning anything.

Leonard

If we weren't physicists, what would we be?

Howard

I don't know. Popular?