Leonard Hofstadter quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Barry

Gentlemen, welcome to the fencing club. Before we start, I just want to warn you, fencing isn't a joke. I hope you're not here because you think it's going to be like Star Wars.

Leonard

That's not why we're here.

Yeah, I'm here because I think it's gonna be like Game of Thrones.

Howard

And maybe a little Princess Bride.

Ooh, ooh! I forgot about Princess Bride! That's my answer!

Barry

Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?

Leonard

Yes.

Sheldon

No chance.

Leonard

What are you doing?

Sheldon

He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn't your mother tell you? It's the best policy.

Sheldon

[bringing out each item] My passport. My Wil.

Leonard

You have a will?

Sheldon

Yeah, my one-eighteenth scale Wil Wheaton action figure. Yeah, I also have the other kind of will, and in it, I will my Wil back to Wil.

Leonard

Will Wil want it?

Wil Wheaton

Wil won't.

Leonard

Since when do you hum songs?

Sheldon

What are you talking about?

Leonard

You were just humming.

Sheldon

Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving it makes noise.

Leonard

How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?

Sheldon

Let's see... [starts humming again] Hey! I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff.

Sheldon

The website's frozen. I can't get in.

Leonard

Same here.

Guys, they're going to sell out!

Howard

What are we gonna do?

Sheldon

Alright. This goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. [Kneels on the floor in a prayer stance] Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You're good friends with my mom. I know I've spent my life denying that you exist...

Howard

Got them!

Sheldon

...and I will continue to do so!

Sheldon

Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?

Howard

Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.

Sheldon

Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?

I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.

Sheldon

That's the one to beat! Leonard?

Leonard

Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.

Sheldon

Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.

Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.

Sheldon

Stop selling it kid, you won.

Penny

Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day, How could Batman possibly fight Superman? Isn't that dumb!

Bernadette

Maybe he uses kryptonite.

Well, Batman's got a lot of money; maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.

Penny

No, no, no, no, no, I've seen that movie. It's called Iron Man.

Leonard

What is happening?

Howard

I don't know.

But it's beautiful.

Penny

How's Ben Affleck as Batman?

Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.

Penny

Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.

Bernadette

We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo and Juliet.

Penny

Oh, I love me some Leo.

Leonard

And it's gone.

Penny

You know, the last time I got a handwritten letter was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.

Leonard

That someone has a name.

Sheldon

Thank you.

You say it like it's easy! Has any one of you ever broken up with anyone?

Howard

No.

Leonard

Not really.

Sheldon

You know, once I ordered an Uber by accident, and I just got in and went somewhere.

Leonard

What's going on?

Howard

I'm going to be a father.

Leonard

Congratulations!

Sheldon

Oh no!

Leonard

Why "Oh no"?

Sheldon

Because this changes everything! You know, what about comic book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?

Leonard

Relax, there's room for two babies in this group.

Sheldon

O dear luck, Penny's pregnant too?

Leonard

You're the other baby!

Sheldon

Oh really? Well, would a baby have to shave once every eleven days?

Leonard

Would an adult refuse to eat his Graham crackers because one of them was broken?

Sheldon

I guess we'll call this a draw.

Howard

Okay, how about this for an invention? Slightly bigger cocktail umbrellas?

Leonard

How is that a new invention?

Howard

I don't know. All Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.

Howard

Really? You're ahead of Bale? The man who personified the words, "I'm Batman"?

I never had to say I'm Batman. I showed up. People knew I was Batman. Everywhere I went. On the TV show, mall openings, Julie Newmar's bungalow.

Leonard

I'm sold- you're ahead of Bale.

There's another reason I should be higher on the list. All those other guys had muscles built into their costumes. All I had in my Batsuit was 100%, grade-A West.

Penny

Hang on, what if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?

Leonard

Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?

Sheldon

A party sub implies it's a party.

Leonard

Your attendance implies that it's not.

Sheldon

I like a party as much as the next man. As long as the next man doesn't like a party.

Howard

You can put it in a satellite or a rocket and it'll run forever.

Zack

Cool. Could it be used for missiles and war stuff?

Howard

Yee-ah. But we didn't create it for weapons.

Leonard

And I doubt that the military would be interested in our little guidance system.

Zack

Is it better than the one they use now?

[together] "Way more." "A lotǃ"

Zack

Huh. You sure you guys are smart?