Leonard Hofstadter quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Beverly

How dare you invite your father without consulting me.

Leonard

Sorry but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.

Beverly

You do understand that our marriage ended because he had an affair.

Leonard

I know and there is no excuse for that.

Beverly

He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.

Leonard

[To himself] I was wrong, there are three excuses for that.

Howard Wolowitz

Maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer?

Leonard Hofstadter

It's not a bad idea.

Hey, you must have someone in your family who's a lawyer.

Howard

Why? Because I'm Jewish? That's like me saying "Hey, you're Indian! Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?"

My cousin does work in a call center.

Howard

And my cousin's a lawyer.

Penny

Do they know why the pipe burst?

Amy

They didn't say.

Leonard

Buildings that have a combination of copper and galvanised fuel are susceptible to paint holes and corrosion caused by the mobility of ions in the water. [Penny and Amy look at him in disgust] You can't have your head shoved in a toilet as much as I did and not pick up a few things about plumbing.

Amy

Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five week end date, isn't it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?

Sheldon

Don't try luring me in with sexy talk.

Leonard

Okay, Star Trek: The Original Series, the Enterprise was on a 5-year mission exploring new worlds. Think of this as your personal 5-week mission to do the same.

Sheldon

If you want to lure me in with sexy talk that's how you do it!

Penny

Don't be proud of that!

Leonard

You're awful quiet. Everything okay?

Sheldon

I'm concerned about Amy. She's acting a bit odd lately.

Howard

Just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you?

Amy

Ever since I met Penny, I've been envious of her looks.

Penny

Awww. Thank you.

Amy

That's why I was so happy when you cut your hair off.

Penny

WHAT?!?

Amy

You know what I mean. You were still hot, but more like a "Why'd that hot girl cut off all her hair?" hot.

Penny

[to Leonard] Well, you liked my short hair, right?

Leonard

Yeah, I... loved it. Love you, love the hair, would love to change the subject.

Penny

[to the group] Seriously? None of you liked it?

Bernadette

I thought it was brave. Does that count as liking it?

Penny

You know, how come nobody's talking about Howard's dopey haircut?

Bernadette

I think he looks cute.

Howard

I think you're cure.

I think you're both cute.

Penny

I think I hate all of you nerds!

Sheldon

[in pain] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Amy

What happened?

Sheldon

I tried to let go of anger, and threw a rock into my foot.

Leonard

Then, he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot.

Penny

What?! [notices the tissue in Leonard's nostril] And what happened to you?!

Leonard

Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose! It's fine!

Leonard

[knocks on the door of 4B] Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back.

Sheldon

[opens the door] Well, powder me in sugar and call me a donut, if it isn't Leonard Hofstadter.

Leonard

Sheldon, I'm warning you, I can play this game, too.

Sheldon

If it's like your 3-D chess game, then you're out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.

Leonard

Alright, I tried.

Sheldon

"Alright, I tried"? That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.

Penny

[recapping Sheldon's story for Bernadette] They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head --

Leonard

On purpose. Not the way it used to happen in high school.

Sheldon

I was acting odd intentionally.

Bernadette

Really? So you can control it?

Sheldon

Leonard, I've been meaning to ask you: What size shoe do you wear?

Leonard

Why?

Sheldon

I'm trying to take more of an interest in other people's lives.

Leonard

That's nice. I wear a size eight-and-a-half.

Sheldon

[chuckles] That's small. [turn the corner] So tell me do you have any plans for the weekend?

Leonard

Are you gonna laugh at the answer?

Sheldon

Only if the answer is "shopping for baby shoes".

Leonard

So, you're gonna throw me under the bus?

Penny

I'm gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal.

Sheldon

Guys, it sounds like you're getting angry again.

Leonard

That's because we are.

Sheldon

YES! I don't need an emotion machine! I AM ONE!

Penny

So did you wind up sending that machine back?

Sheldon

I did. You know, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.

Bernadette

[enters the apartment] I finally got Halley to sleep.

You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.

Amy

It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.

Penny

Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.

Leonard

We can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.

Sheldon

Yeah, all right. Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?

Bernadette

Let's see... You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.

Sheldon

[turns to Howard] Keep filling this one with babies, she's good.

Howard

Okay. I'm zeroing out the electro-osmotic flow rate in the microfluidic channel.

Leonard

Nicely done, Howard.

Howard

Well, my wife is four foot ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly, I know my way around tiny things.

Leonard

Good for you. On the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.

Howard

Those are just the things I say out loud.

Penny

It's like that science thing. For every action you have a gigantic and annoying reaction.

Leonard

Just when I thought you couldn't get any hotter...

Sheldon

I spoke with Leonard's mother, and she made me feel better.

Leonard

I don't know who you talked to, but that wasn't my mother.