Leonard Hofstadter quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Leonard

You know, if you're not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.

Sheldon

Bruce Wayne doesn't wear a clip-on.

Leonard

Bruce Wayne doesn't make his roommate tie it for him.

Sheldon

His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.

Leonard

Buddy, I get that you're worried about me and I appreciate that, but I'm not going to die.

Sheldon

You don't know that.

Leonard

Well... I do know that it won't be from an asteroid strike.

Sheldon

You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

Leonard

[While going through Professor Abbott's work] What if... what if this is the thing that would've finally let him open that bottle of champagne?

Maybe he didn't know what to pair champagne with. Strawberries, caviar, oysters. All good choices. [Leonard looks at him] Yeah, that look right there is why people eat before they come to your parties.

Leonard

Bad news. There's no signal.

Sheldon

Well, there were plenty of things to do before cell phones. I'll look them up. [Pulls out phone before realizing] Son of a biscuit!

Leonard

Just let it go.

Sheldon

What kind of store doesn't have wifi? I'm calling their corporate offices - Son of a biscuit!

Leonard

[shouting above the noise, but he'd be shouting regardless] What is going on!?

Sheldon

Oh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I'm using Darth Vader, The Joker and Godzilla's roar to keep me in that sweet spot. I tried including Taylor Swift into the mix, but it turns out I love her!

Leonard

A-at least listen to it through headphones, I'm trying to sleep. Goodnight!

Sheldon

Boy... [stops the audio to put his headphones in] Taylor was right. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.

Sheldon

I've never thought I'd ever get the chance to give you this. Good job. [Puts a sticker on Leonard's shirt]

Leonard

You're giving me a sticker?

Sheldon

Not just a sticker. It has a kitten that says "Me-wow!"

Leonard

I'm not a kindergartner.

Sheldon

All right, I'll take it back.

Leonard

Hey, I earned this, back off!

Leonard

I can't believe they did that.

Penny

I know, it's so insulting. At one point, they had me figure out how to get a banana out of a puzzle box!

Leonard

Wait... Sheldon gave me a banana in a puzzle box. He was testing me too!

Penny

Unbelievable.

Leonard

And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.

Penny

Really? You couldn't get it out?

Amy

Wow, the store looks great -

Leonard

So you were testing us both? What is the matter with you?

Penny

What's the matter with them is they think they're so smart, they don't care if they hurt other people's feelings!

Amy

That isn't true!

Sheldon

[concurrently] That sounds like us. [Amy looks at him in irritation] I still don't understand why you're upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.

Amy

Well, except Barnabus, but he was on Adderall.

Howard

...I'm sorry, but it's making me crazy.

Bernadette

Can you please just let it go?

Sheldon

Ooh, I can help you with that. Imagine you're holding an ordinary pen - while your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.

Howard

Hold that thought. [goes off to answer it in the next room] Hello?

Amy

[To Leonard and Penny] How can I make this up to you?

Penny

[angrily putting both fists together] The answer is in this puzzle box, let's see if you can open it!

Bernadette

You could have at least warned him about the furniture.

That's what I said when we moved it!

Bernadette

You helped him!?

[sarcastically] No. Stuart picked up those three pillows all on his own.

Leonard

Hey, you okay?

Howard

[in a dazed voice] No...

Leonard

What's wrong?

Howard

...My mom died.

Bernadette

What!?

Howard

That was my aunt. Ma took a nap and... She never woke up.

Bernadette

[beginning to cry] Oh my God, Howie...

Leonard

I'm so sorry.

What can we do?

Howard

I don't know...

Sheldon

May I say something?

Leonard

[sadly] Not right now, Sheldon.

Sheldon

But I think it would be comforting.

Leonard

Buddy -

Howard

It's okay... [looks up at him] What?

Sheldon

When I lost my own father, I didn't have any friends to help me through it. You do.

Penny

[breaking down] I really thought he was gonna say "let it go."

Leonard

Why a turtle?

Sheldon

After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.

Amy

For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.

Sheldon

And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.

Leonard

Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this--

Sheldon

Agreed.

Leonard

I was going to say "or," but why bother?

Sheldon

[singing] The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all. Because it has eight legs and two body parts.

Leonard

That's pretty cool, Sheldon.

Sheldon

Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it.

Sheldon

Aren't you afraid of being blinded?

Leonard

How would I be blinded?

Sheldon

At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

Leonard

I'll take my chances.

Sheldon

Fine. I wonder if they make "I told you so" cards in Braille.

Penny

So what package were you thinking?

Leonard

Well this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, and they even stream the whole thing live on the internet.

Penny

Why would we want that?

Leonard

Cause there's a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don't believe they can land a short, near-sighted scientist? Let's give them hope.

Penny

Whatever. Put us on the internet. I've always wanted a wedding with a comments section.

Howard

Why are marine biologists always so cute?

I don't know, but I'd like to get lost in her Bermuda Triangle.

Leonard

That's not helpful.

Howard

Then I won't say I'd like to cover three quarters of her surface area.

Leonard

Are you done?

Not yet, this is fun! Ooh, I know... I'd let her free my Willy.

Where are you going?

Leonard

Going to ask her if she'd be willing to talk to Penny. Tell her she has nothing to worry about.

Howard

Leonard wait.

Leonard

What?

Howard

I'd like to spongebob her squarepants.

Now we are done.

Sheldon

Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the postmortem neuron induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.

Leonard

I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy, you're a young man.

Sheldon

Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here, I'm 90.