Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

I just learned some distressing news. Amy sometimes doesn't do things because it would hurt my feelings.

Howard

First of all, it's not sometimes, its always.

Second, it's not just Amy, it's everyone.

Howard

And third, it's not news, it's well established.

Sheldon

All right, that moves us on to the tactical shipping phase. Penny, I believe as logistics commander, that's you.

Penny

Okay. [waving a white napkin] I surrender.

Sheldon

Nice try, Penny. It takes more than everybody not enjoying it to stop a game with Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon

You know, I'm really happy with our wedding date. The month squared equals the square of the sum of the members of the set of prime factors of the day. Isn't that romantic?

Amy

Yes, it's like that Shakespeare sonnet, "Shall I compare thee to a day that's also a really weird math problem?"

Sheldon

Did Albert Einstein ever sit in any of these chairs?

I think these are fairly new. But Stephen Hawking's eaten here a lot.

Sheldon

Yeah, but he brings his own chair, you know?

Sheldon

Oh, Penny, I folded your laundry for you.

Penny

That's not mine.

Sheldon

It's not?

Penny

No.

Sheldon

[holds up a pair of large pink panties] So you're telling me that this is not yours.

Penny

Nope.

Sheldon

So I'm holding a stranger's underpants.

Penny

Yeah.

Sheldon

[drops the panties and puts Purell on his hands] And just like that, it's the worst day of my life.

Leonard

What you got there?

Penny

Oh, I grabbed a sandwich at the food truck out front.

Sheldon

Wait, n-now hold on. Tonight is Friday, and I believe you know what that means.

Penny

That my fun, young life took a drastic turn somewhere?

Sheldon

No.

Leonard

But yeah.

Sheldon

No, that means it's Chinese food night.

Penny

Yeah, and you have Chinese food, so eat it.

Sheldon

But I can smell your pastrami.

Howard

And we can all hear your complaining, so no one's happy.

Leonard

What are you doing?

Amy

Pigeon check for Sheldon. All clear on the north side!

Sheldon

Okay, let's look at some planets!

Sheldon

I've learned to accept change.

Howard

Since when?

Sheldon

Since Amy changed her shampoo from Prell to Prell for oily hair. Although I miss how her head used to slide off the pillow. [walks to the counter]

Denise

Hello, can I help you?

Sheldon

Who are you?

Denise

I'm Denise, the new assistant manager.

Sheldon

Nope! [Drops the comic book and runs out]

Sheldon

Speaking of fashion, I'm going to ask the university for money. What should I wear?

Penny

I can lend you a bra that gets me free drinks.

Amy

How much money are you asking for?

Sheldon

Five hundred million dollars.

Penny

I'd go no bra.

Leonard

So, wait, y-your brother is Dr. Tire?

Sheldon

Yes, and apparently, it only takes half a semester of community college to get that particular doctorate.

Leonard

We passed three of these stores on the way here. Why did you say he's just some loser who sells tires?

Sheldon

You're right, that was unfair. He's a loser who sells more tires than anyone in Texas.

Amy

Sheldon, when I was a little girl, I used to dream about my wedding. But, eventually, I stopped because... I thought that day would never come. And then I met you. From the first moment in that coffee shop, I knew that there was something special between us. Even though I did work on a study that disproved love at first sight.... Clearly, it was wrong. Because I felt something that day. And those feelings have only gotten stronger with time. I can't imagine loving you more than I do right now, but I felt that way yesterday. And the day before yesterday. And the day before that.... Sheldon, I don't know what the future holds. But I know that I've never been happier than I am, in this moment, marrying you.

Sheldon

Amy,... I usually know exactly what to say. But in this moment,... I have no words. I guess... I'm overwhelmed by you.... Even if I can't tell you now how I feel, I will spend my life showing you how much I love you. [puts the ring on Amy's finger]

Sheldon

Good morning, wife.

Amy

Good morning, husband. I can't believe we're actually married.

Sheldon

It's official. According to tradition we should hang the bed sheets outside so the Villagers can see that we consummated. [makes his way over to the curtains]

Amy

I don't think that's appropriate considering where we're starting our Honeymoon.

Sheldon

Well, I suppose you're right... [opens the curtains, revealing Legoland California outside] Although when you think about it, Lego is the perfect metaphor for marital congress; two pieces that interlock together with a satisfying snap.

Amy

Oh, that's the sound you were making.

Sheldon

Oh, I almost forgot. While you were sleeping I ordered room service.

Amy

Really?!

Sheldon

[lifts the lid off the plate, revealing bacon, eggs, and pancakes made out of Legos.] Viola! You thought it was going to be food, didn't you?

Sheldon

I'm just worried that if I don't schedule our bedroom endeavors, then I may not think about them, and you'll grow cold and distant and seek solace in the arms of a heavily-muscled long Shore man.

Amy

Where would I find a long Shore man?

Sheldon

Along the Shore. It's in the name.

Amy

Sheldon, I couldn't be with anybody but you.

Sheldon

That's good to know. I wouldn't want to have to fight a man who's brave enough to touch a fish.

Amy

How's this for a compromise; make all the schedules you want. Just don't tell me about them.

Sheldon

Excellent. I'll create an algorithm that'll generate a pseudo-random schedule. And do you know why it won't be a true random schedule?

Amy

Because the generation of true random numbers remains an unsolved problem in computer science.

Sheldon

Come with me.

Amy

Where are we going?

Sheldon

To the hotel room. And when we get there I'm gonna need you to say that again, except naked.

Amy

So, do you know what it is?

Of course I know what it is. It's a silicon dioxide crystal, also known as quartz.

Sheldon

Are you sure?

Am I sure? Is basalt a mafic extrusive of igneous rock formed by the rapid cooling of magnesium and iron-rich lava? Yeah, I'm sure.

Bernadette

"I heart New York". Aw, the baby's gonna love throwing up on this.

Sheldon

it doesn't have to just be New York. That's the beauty of it. Uh, the initials "NY" can stand for anything you like. For instance, I understand that there is an elderly rock-and-roll musician named Neil Young. Perhaps you heart him. [pause] Or if not him, Egyptian table tennis silver medalist Noha Yossry. Or Nana Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice actress who starred in Sally the Witch.

Did you just Google the initials "NY"?

Sheldon

I had Wi-Fi and a long plane flight. Draw your own conclusions.