Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Amy

Hey. Wait a minute, what about us? I mean, we're married now. Maybe we want to buy the house next door.

Sheldon

Well, Amy, we can't move. I'd have to change all the tags in my underwear.

Amy

You can buy new ones.

Sheldon

New house, new underwear. What am I, in the Witness Protection Program?

Amy

Hey, watcha doing?

Sheldon

[on his laptop] Improving our wedding photos.

Amy

Oh, that's nice. Wait, I'm still in them, right?

Sheldon

Of course. And not only you. I've added some guests who couldn't be there.

Amy

[sitting down and looking at the screen] Who's that next to my father?

Sheldon

The Wright brothers.

Amy

And why are they at our wedding?

Sheldon

Orville, because I admire him; Wilbur, because he was Orville's plus-one.

Leonard

What were you guys giggling about?

Penny

They were passing notes to each other.

Leonard

Oh-ho, love notes?

Penny

If you love math.

Sheldon

And we do.

Amy

It's for our super-asymmetry theory.

Sheldon

Yeah, Amy and I have been having so much fun collaborating together.

Penny

Well, you know what they say, you never collaborate as much as your first year of marriage.

Howard

[dressed like Sheldon, imitating him] Hello.

Sheldon

Hello.

Howard

I see you are dressed as Doc Brown from Back to the Future. May I assume that Amy is going as his wife, Clara Clayton, from Back to the Future Part III?

Sheldon

She is. [looks at Howard] Did you do something different to your hair?

Howard

Yes.

Sheldon

Looking good.

Leonard

Oh, my God, you look amazing.

[dressed as "Kuth" Bader Ginsburg] I find you guilty of murder, because you are killing it!

Howard

[imitating Sheldon] Well, technically, the Supreme Court wouldn't determine a defendant's guilt or innocence in a criminal matter. They could only reverse or revamp a jury's conviction based on a constitutional or statutory issue.

Sheldon

[seeing Leonard and Raj laughing] Why are you laughing? His statement was factually correct.

Leonard

Wait, you can make this decision. You don't care if you upset people. You can pick for me.

Sheldon

I certainly could.

Leonard

Oh, great.

Sheldon

But I won't. I think this is a learning opportunity for you.

Leonard

Sheldon, come on.

Sheldon

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I upset you?

Leonard

Yes.

Sheldon

Ask me how I feel about that.

Amy

Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months?

Yeah, well, her family's doing most of the work. They're amazing. We talk all the time.

Sheldon

Why?

Because we're about to get married and they're gonna be my family.

Sheldon

Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.

Penny

Really? My parents love Leonard.

Leonard

Yeah. And my mother loves Penny, which is weird, because I never knew she could love.

Amy

You're up early.

Sheldon

Huh? Yes. I wanted to get a jump on planning a day of fun for you.

Amy

Oh, that's sweet. What are we doing?

Sheldon

Oh, no, just you. I have other plans. Now, would you prefer to see The Grinch in 2D or 3D?

Amy

I don't wanna see it at all.

Sheldon

Well, let's go 2D. No sense in spending extra money.

Amy

What are you gonna be doing?

Sheldon

Being a great husband.

Amy

Yeah, you're gonna need to show your work on that.

Sheldon

You're probably wondering why I put you through this.

Leonard

You mean the last two minutes or the last twenty years?

Amy

Why can't we get a grad student to do it?

Sheldon

We can't trust our paper to a millennial. They'll put unicorn emojis all over it and post it on social media.

Amy

Why would they do that?

Sheldon

Economic anxiety, too much avocado toast, who knows?

Amy

Is that your dad?

Sheldon

It is.

Amy

I've only seen pictures of him.

[on the tape] I know we're down, by a lot. And if I'm being honest with you, we're probably not gonna win this one. In fact, we're definitely not gonna win this one.

Amy

Do you want me to turn it off?

But we're not gonna quit, either. And if we do lose, you need to know that doesn't make you losers. You learn as much about who you are and what you're made of from failing as you do from success. Maybe more. So you can spend the next half feeling sorry for yourselves, or you can get out there and give 'em hell.

Yeah! Let's give 'em hell!

Oh... watch your mouth, your mom might...

Sheldon

[pausing the tape] I remember that game.

Amy

Did they win?

Sheldon

Oh, no. No, they lost so bad, the other team let one of their cheerleaders try to kick a field goal.

Penny

Champagne, a champagne, a champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.

Sheldon

You know what I call this drink?

Penny

A waste of champagne?

Sheldon

No. A Dr. Cooper. Because...

Amy

He is also sweet and bubbly.

Leonard

A toast to Sheldon and Amy and the publication of your super-asymmetry paper. We are so proud of you guys. Cheers.

Amy

Thanks.

Penny

Yay.

Sheldon

Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

Welcome to the inner sanctum.

Sheldon

Oh, I do love a good sanctum.

Amy

Sheldon, look at my fruit plate. It's got kiwi on it.

Sheldon

Ugh. I don't like kiwi.

Amy

Neither do I, but it's so fancy.

Amy

Maybe you should.

Sheldon

What?

Amy

This has been your lifelong dream. And you may not get another chance. I don;’t want to be the reason that you don’t win a Nobel.

Sheldon

You’re the only reason I deserve one.

Amy

But if your best shot is with them I think you should take it.

Sheldon

Is this what you really want me to do?

Amy

I want you to be happy.

Sheldon

Thank you. [Hugs Amy]

Sheldon

I went down to the city compliance office to turn you in.

Howard

Are you kidding?

Sheldon

But I didn’t do it. I filled out the form and then realized that the unwritten laws of friendship are more important than the written rules of the city of Altadena City and Planning Department.

Bernadette

Aw.

Howard

Really? Aw?

Sheldon

And you’ll be happy to know that while I was there I did look into your neighbor’s balcony and it is encroaching on your property line. I had all this pent-up snitch energy so I reported him hard.

Howard

What did they say?

Sheldon

He’s going to have to remove it.

Bernadette

So the good guys win?

Sheldon

Well, I don’t know if I’d call you the good guys. You’re enforcing a law on him which you’re willfully ignoring yourselves.

Bernadette

Uh. All right, fine. The morally compromising guys win!

Sheldon

Apparently so.