Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

Will you marry me? [his phone rings] One moment, please.

Amy

[incredulous] Really? You're gonna answer that right now?

Sheldon

It's Leonard. I don't want to be rude.

Leonard

Hey, where you been? We've been calling you for hours.

Sheldon

Oh, I'm sorry. My phone was on "airplane" mode.

Leonard

Why?

Sheldon

Because I was on an airplane. [gives Amy a "duh" look]

Penny

Hey, where are you?

Sheldon

I came to Princeton to see Amy. It's a funny story, actually. I was having lunch with Dr. Nowitzki, and she kissed me.

Penny

Excuse me?

Leonard

What?

Sheldon

And in that moment, I realized that Amy was the only woman I ever wanted to kiss for the rest of my life. So I came to New Jersey to ask her to marry me.

Sheldon

Mother, I have some good news to share.

Amy

[giddily] We're engaged!

Mary

I am so happy for you two, but I'm not surprised. I've been praying for this.

Sheldon

Well, God had nothing to do with it. It happened because I was kissing another woman, and it made me realize I wanted to be with Amy.

Mary

More than one woman was interested in you? I might have prayed a little too hard.

Sheldon

I want to let you know right now that we are not getting married in a church.

Mary

That's all right, Sheldon. Anywhere Jesus is is a church.

Sheldon

Well, he won't be at our wedding.

Mary

He's in my heart, so if I'm there, he'll be there.

Sheldon

Okay, well, then he's your plus-one. You don't get to bring anyone else.

Mary

That's fine. Love you.

Sheldon

Love you, too. Bye.

Mary

[they hang up] Lord, thank you. Even though you can do anything, that was mighty impressive.

Howard

It's a date. Just pick one.

Sheldon

It's not just a date, it's a textbook optimization problem. There is a perfect date, just like there's a perfect room temperature and a perfect dessert.

Penny

There's no perfect dessert.

Sheldon

Yellow cake in the shape of a dinosaur with chocolate frosting, scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, not touching. You'll see. You'll have it at our wedding.

Amy

You wanna bet?

Sheldon

That's me?

Amy

It's you.

Sheldon

So you spied on me in my sleep?

Amy

Sheldon, I'm sorry. You've been doing this every night. I couldn't help but wonder if it meant something.

Sheldon

Well, it doesn't.

Amy

Are you sure? I mean, the prefrontal cortex regulates impulse control. So it's plausible that when we're asleep, aspects of our personality that we repress might come out.

Sheldon

Don't try to put science lipstick on your New Age pig! And for the record, you make noises when you sleep, and I've never accused you of repressing your inner chainsaw! [storms out of the apartment]

Leonard

If you want me to object at your wedding, just give me one of these. [taps the side of his nose]

Oh, come on. You can't really be disappointed [about having a baby boy].

Howard

Hey, I barely know how to be a man myself. Now I have to teach someone?

Sheldon

As the saying goes, "Those who can't do, teach."

Amy

Don't you want a little version of Howard?

Bernadette

I already have a little version of Howard.

Howard

Heck, now I'm having a son. I'll have to teach him how to play sports, and watch sports, and-and-and-and-and...

[to Leonard] He just ran out of "Man Things", he's in trouble.

Amy

What is this?

Sheldon

The notes from our quantum cognition project. I thought we could spend the evening grinding away on it.

Amy

I just got home. I'm tired.

Sheldon

Of Howard. I know. So how about you and me make some... beautiful science together?

Amy

Sheldon, I wanna work on this with you, just not tonight. What if we get up early and do it in the morning? I promise, I'll be way more into it.

Sheldon

You know what? There was a time when you would have been happy to stay up and collaborate all night with me. And then wake up in the morning and do it some more.

Amy

[sighs] Fine, but can we make it quick?

Sheldon

[shocked] No. If you have to make me do all the work, then go to bed. But don't be surprised if you walk out here and catch me doing it myself.

Sheldon

Hello, Arthur.

Arthur

What part of "Rest in Peace" don't you understand?

Sheldon

I suppose you're here because you heard the news.

Arthur

Sheldon, I'm a figment of your imagination. I don't hear news.

Sheldon

You're a grumpy figment.

Sheldon

I am a respected theoretical physicist. I aspire to win a Nobel Prize someday. But nobody's gonna take me seriously if they find out I've been dabbling in geology.

Penny

Well, why not? They're both sciences. And I know because they're classes my high school counselor said "weren't for me".

Sheldon

They're very different. Physics answers the question "What is the nature of the universe?". Geology answers the question, you know, "What'd I just trip over?".

Penny

All right, well, then don't work with Bert.

Sheldon

Oh, but I like the work.

Penny

Then work with him.

Sheldon

Yeah, but I'm ashamed of the field.

Penny

Then don't work with him.

Sheldon

Yeah, but we could prove dark matter.

Penny

Then work with him.

Sheldon

But I just think that people...

Penny

How many times are you gonna do this?

Sheldon

My record is fourteen.

Amy

What do you want to watch?

Sheldon

Oh, why don't you pick?

Amy

Okay, how about comedy?

Sheldon

Nah, I already laughed today.

Amy

I know, it was when I stubbed my toe.

Sheldon

[chuckles] Still funny.

Amy

Drama?

Sheldon

Nah, I've already seen someone cry today.

Amy

It really hurt, Sheldon!

Amy

Well, if it helps, you all behaved terribly and you deserve what you got.

Sheldon

Well that doesn't help, at all. Sometimes your social skills are very poor.

Howard

I can't believe we let Kripke use us like that.

Penny

You know, maybe you're all more like the guy who didn't invent the electric car, and less like the guy who didn't invent the light bulb.

Leonard

She's right, maybe we're all a bunch of Teslas after all. [Howard and Sheldon smile]

Amy

Didn't Tesla die penniless, forgotten and insane?

Howard

You may have a point about her social skills.

Sheldon

He wasn't insane.

Leonard

He did fall in love with a pigeon.

Sheldon

Well, if we're gonna call Tesla crazy for loving something small and unappealing, we might as well put Penny in a padded cell right now.

Leonard

You can't still be mad about that.

Sheldon

Please. I have grudges going back to kindergarden. One day, I plan to find an adult Emily Dwyer and make her eat a crayon while I watch.

Amy

Is that why there's an Emily Dwyer on our invitation list?

Sheldon

Of course. That night, I will have the first dance, and the last laugh.

Sheldon

What do you think will make the wedding worse for Amy: a cake made with salt instead of sugar or a cake iced with congealed gravy?

Leonard

That is a trick question. The answer is: you as the groom.

Sheldon

Neither of them will be the actual cake. I'm just using it as a bargaining chip to get Amy to agree to the whole wedding party getting rings and us getting one ring to rule them all.

Sheldon

Amy, I never thought I'd want to marry anyone. So the fact that I found you is astonishing. It's-it's like finding dark matter, except they're looking for dark matter. I wasn't even looking for you. S-So you're even better than dark matter.

Amy

[chuckles] Sheldon...

Sheldon

Plus, plus, you interact with light, so I can see you. And, also, you don't account for the missing mass in the universe. Oh, and...

Amy

Okay, I think you're getting caught up on the ways I'm not like dark matter.

Sheldon

Oh, Stuart, two questions: Do you have the new Aquaman, and do you mind if I use your back room to smoke some meat?

Stuart

Well, since it's you asking, I'm gonna guess that's not a euphemism.

Leonard

Why are you smoking meat? And why are you reading Aquaman?

Sheldon

I am trying to make Amy a historically accurate Little House on the Prairie dinner for her birthday, and I want to be able to say I was reading it before it was cool.

Leonard

Wow, well, that's actually really sweet. The dinner thing. The Aquaman thing's dumb.

Sheldon

Howard, I want you to know I forgive you.

Howard

Thanks, I'll take it.

Leonard

Do you even know what he's forgiving you for?

Howard

Don't know, don't care. Happy Yom Kippur to me.