Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Barry

Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?

Leonard

Yes.

Sheldon

No chance.

Leonard

What are you doing?

Sheldon

He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn't your mother tell you? It's the best policy.

Wil Wheaton

Hey Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.

Nice to meet you.

Sheldon

Oh, it's nice to meet you. I admire your father's work very much. It's not every day I get to meet someone whose life journey began in my hero's scrotum.

Wil Wheaton

[quietly aside to Adam Nimoy] I told you this guy is gold.

Sheldon

[bringing out each item] My passport. My Wil.

Leonard

You have a will?

Sheldon

Yeah, my one-eighteenth scale Wil Wheaton action figure. Yeah, I also have the other kind of will, and in it, I will my Wil back to Wil.

Leonard

Will Wil want it?

Wil Wheaton

Wil won't.

Leonard

Since when do you hum songs?

Sheldon

What are you talking about?

Leonard

You were just humming.

Sheldon

Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving it makes noise.

Leonard

How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?

Sheldon

Let's see... [starts humming again] Hey! I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff.

Sheldon

The website's frozen. I can't get in.

Leonard

Same here.

Guys, they're going to sell out!

Howard

What are we gonna do?

Sheldon

Alright. This goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. [Kneels on the floor in a prayer stance] Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You're good friends with my mom. I know I've spent my life denying that you exist...

Howard

Got them!

Sheldon

...and I will continue to do so!

Amy

I'm just... really nervous.

Sheldon

Why?

Amy

I've been waiting for this for so long. I've just built it up in my head. I don't know what to expect.

Sheldon

Neither do I. But... we can find out together.

Sheldon

Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?

Howard

Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.

Sheldon

Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?

I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.

Sheldon

That's the one to beat! Leonard?

Leonard

Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.

Sheldon

Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.

Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.

Sheldon

Stop selling it kid, you won.

Amy

Hi Sheldon, what's new?

Sheldon

My friends are jerks and I'm mad at all of them.

Amy

I said "what's new," but sure...

Penny

You know, the last time I got a handwritten letter was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.

Leonard

That someone has a name.

Sheldon

Thank you.

No wine for me. Sheldon's bringing me my whiskey.

Sheldon

There you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like it. A lot, in a glass.

You say it like it's easy! Has any one of you ever broken up with anyone?

Howard

No.

Leonard

Not really.

Sheldon

You know, once I ordered an Uber by accident, and I just got in and went somewhere.

Leonard

What's going on?

Howard

I'm going to be a father.

Leonard

Congratulations!

Sheldon

Oh no!

Leonard

Why "Oh no"?

Sheldon

Because this changes everything! You know, what about comic book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?

Leonard

Relax, there's room for two babies in this group.

Sheldon

O dear luck, Penny's pregnant too?

Leonard

You're the other baby!

Sheldon

Oh really? Well, would a baby have to shave once every eleven days?

Leonard

Would an adult refuse to eat his Graham crackers because one of them was broken?

Sheldon

I guess we'll call this a draw.

Penny

All right, what about music?

Sheldon

I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat music.

Penny

No music it is.

Howard

Okay, I've got to ask, why are you wearing a bow-tie?

Sheldon

I've never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.

Howard

Is the impression that your first name is Peewee?

Sheldon

Yeah, well you're an engineer. End of joke. Burn!

Penny

That's not what the forest smells like.

Sheldon

Well how would I know?