Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Leonard

Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this--

Sheldon

Agreed.

Leonard

I was going to say "or," but why bother?

Amy

What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.

Sheldon

Roughing it? Okay. [sits on floor. Gasps] Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.

Sheldon

[singing] The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all. Because it has eight legs and two body parts.

Leonard

That's pretty cool, Sheldon.

Sheldon

Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it.

Penny

[knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [Sheldon opens the door, smirking, and she grins at him]

Sheldon

I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.

Penny

Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.

Sheldon

I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.

Sheldon

Aren't you afraid of being blinded?

Leonard

How would I be blinded?

Sheldon

At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

Leonard

I'll take my chances.

Sheldon

Fine. I wonder if they make "I told you so" cards in Braille.

Sheldon

Won't that void the warranty?

Howard

Sheldon, I have a masters degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for Apple Care. That pays for itself in the long run.

Mary

Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.

Sheldon

What did they feed the lions, Mother?

Mary

The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.

Amy

Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years, all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?

Sheldon

Irony's not really my strong suit.

Sheldon

[Skyping with Amy] I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...

Amy

I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.

Sheldon

Strongly disagree. Go on.

Amy

Okay, well, this isn't easy to say because I love you. But I need some time to take a step back and reevaluate our situation.

Sheldon

Oh.

Amy

I hope you understand.

Sheldon

Okay.

Amy

Bye, Sheldon.

Sheldon

Well, Gollum, you're an expert on rings. [opens a drawer and takes out a box with an engagement ring inside] What do I do with this one?

Mary

Don't send it back yet. Your sister's married and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.

Sheldon

Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?

Mary

When your idiot brother redeems mankind he can date whoever he wants.

Howard

I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.

Sheldon

And talked about physics with them!

Howard

[Singing in the tune of “We Will Rock You”] We will, we will percussive shock you! [Leonard and Raj join in for the second chorus.] We will, we will percussive shock you!

Sheldon

I have an eidetic memory; sometimes it can be a curse.

Sheldon

Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the postmortem neuron induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.

Leonard

I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy, you're a young man.

Sheldon

Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here, I'm 90.

Sheldon

I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.

Amy

I don't think that was the point of the movie.

Sheldon

Fine! I was like Pinocchio who that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.

Amy

There you go.

Sheldon

Excuse me, Barry?

Barry

Yes?

Sheldon

When can I stab one of my friends?

Barry

In fencing, we don't call it a stab. We call it a touch.

Sheldon

Uh, yes, I'm aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I'll get called into Human Resources.