Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

A party sub implies it's a party.

Leonard

Your attendance implies that it's not.

Sheldon

I like a party as much as the next man. As long as the next man doesn't like a party.

Mary

So Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?

Oh, I'm an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.

Mary

My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.

Sheldon

Don't laugh. She wasn't joking.

Amy

Play with your phone.

Well, on that note there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as a part of their mythology.

Mary

I don't have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that's very interesting.

Oh. I don't mean to disparage your faith. Actually I admire it.

Mary

Really?

Yes, I'm an agnostic myself, but I prayed, many times, to God to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.

Mary

Well, he came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.

Sheldon Cooper

Why do people cry at weddings?

They're practising for what's coming later.

Amy

Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five week end date, isn't it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?

Sheldon

Don't try luring me in with sexy talk.

Leonard

Okay, Star Trek: The Original Series, the Enterprise was on a 5-year mission exploring new worlds. Think of this as your personal 5-week mission to do the same.

Sheldon

If you want to lure me in with sexy talk that's how you do it!

Penny

Don't be proud of that!

Amy

Okay, well for starters, there's nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.

Penny

Sheldon, what do you say to that?

Sheldon

I think we should see other people.

Amy

You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over?

Sheldon

We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.

Amy

You know what I meant.

Sheldon

Alright, fine. Let's say that we're to entertain people, what type of gathering did you have in mind? A meal? Lunch, brunch, dinner, afternoon tea? Formal tea? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party is it? Cocktail party, a Tupperware party? Is it a surprise party? Boy I hope it's not a West Coast party, because according to the man on the radio, "West Coast party don't stop".

Amy

I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Sheldon

Oh, don't be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That's called teamwork.

Sheldon

You know, if you like I could call your landlord and complain.

Amy

Thanks, but you don't have to.

Sheldon

Oh, I don't mind. I'm very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic Sport I'd complain about what a stupid sport it is, and then I'd take home the gold.

Leonard

You're awful quiet. Everything okay?

Sheldon

I'm concerned about Amy. She's acting a bit odd lately.

Howard

Just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you?

Sheldon

And you realize what the next step is.

Amy

Set up a second culture and try to replicate our results.

Sheldon

Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little, and make a baby.

Sheldon

[in pain] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Amy

What happened?

Sheldon

I tried to let go of anger, and threw a rock into my foot.

Leonard

Then, he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot.

Penny

What?! [notices the tissue in Leonard's nostril] And what happened to you?!

Leonard

Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose! It's fine!

Amy

Sheldon, you're being a little selfish. Why don't you let Leonard keep a few things?

Sheldon

It's not my fault I'm bad at sharing; I skipped kindergarten.

Leonard

[knocks on the door of 4B] Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back.

Sheldon

[opens the door] Well, powder me in sugar and call me a donut, if it isn't Leonard Hofstadter.

Leonard

Sheldon, I'm warning you, I can play this game, too.

Sheldon

If it's like your 3-D chess game, then you're out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.

Leonard

Alright, I tried.

Sheldon

"Alright, I tried"? That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.

Amy

What is this?

Sheldon

A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I'd be ripped.

Amy

I love it. Thank you.

Sheldon

And it's not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

Amy

What's wrong?

Sheldon

I'm not sure. Earlier tonight things began organically and now it's feeling forced... like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

Penny

[recapping Sheldon's story for Bernadette] They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head --

Leonard

On purpose. Not the way it used to happen in high school.

Sheldon

I was acting odd intentionally.

Bernadette

Really? So you can control it?