Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

I must say, I am shocked by this betrayal.

Leonard

I didn't betray Penny.

Sheldon

Not Penny, me!

Leonard

How am I betraying you?

Sheldon

Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her!

Leonard

Yeah, I guess I did.

Sheldon

[reading his standard roommate agreement to new roommate Leonard] "Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series Firefly."

Leonard

Does that really need to be in the agreement?

Sheldon

We might as well settle it now; it's gonna be on for years.

Sheldon

Explain the couch.

Leonard

Well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.

Sheldon

But what's wrong with the furniture we have?

Leonard

They're lawn chairs. And there was no place for company.

Sheldon

Did it occur to you that was by design?

Leonard

[Looking at television] Ooh! it’s time for Babylon 5!

Sheldon

We don’t watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.

Leonard

Why not?

Sheldon

Because no one likes Babylon 5.

Leonard

I like it.

Me, too.

Howard

So do I.

Leonard

There you go–three against one.

Sheldon

They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.

Zack

Wow, is that the laser? It's bitchin'.

Sheldon

[sarcastically] Yes. In 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Quantentheorie der Strahlung", his fondest hope was that the resultant device be "bitchin'".

Zack

Well, mission accomplished.

Amy

Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon

Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.

Amy

If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.

Sheldon

Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.

Amy

I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.

Sheldon

Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.

Amy

Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.

Sheldon

May I buy you a beverage?

Amy

Tepid water, please.

Howard

[to Raj, seeing their "experiment"] Good God, what have we done?

Penny

OK, well, what do you communicate about?

Sheldon

Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.

Penny

[spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.

Leonard

Wait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.

Sheldon

Amy pointed out that between the two of us our genetic material has the potential of producing the first, in a line of intellectually, superior, benign overlords, to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.

Howard

I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

Penny

Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?

Sheldon

Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.

Amy

That's an amusing factoid.

Sheldon

Thank you.

Penny

No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.

Amy

Is this true?

Sheldon

Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.

Penny

So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?

Amy

Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?

Penny

Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?

Sheldon

Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."

Penny

Wha-Where did you get 171 men?

Sheldon

Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...

Penny

Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.

Sheldon

I'm sorry. 16?

Penny

14.

Sheldon

My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.

Amy

Remarkable. Do you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

Penny

No!

Sheldon

Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...

Penny

Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.

Sheldon

So we multiply 193--minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so--172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.

Penny

Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.

Amy

This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?

Penny

No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?

Sheldon

This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?

Amy

Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?

Sheldon

I should think so.

Penny

Have you ever run before?

Sheldon

Certainly! I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistant P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

Howard

You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.

Sheldon

That's an excellent idea! If we chat it will create the illusion of time going faster!

Penny

No, it won't.

Sheldon

I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.

Leonard

Except, in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.

Sheldon

You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. [an image of internal human body anatomy with numerous arrows appears on the MVPD's screen] There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?

Leonard

I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider.

Leonard

Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.

Sheldon

You don't have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I'm already a fan.

Sheldon

[after Amy proposed for Sheldon to meet her mother] What am I supposed to do?

Leonard

Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?

Sheldon

Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.

Leonard

All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Sheldon

Screwed! [he realizes what he said]

Leonard

There you go.

Amy

I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that has no value to human relationships.

Sheldon

Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.

Amy

I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status?

Sheldon

Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?

Amy

Sheldon, please, you're suffocating me.

Sheldon

You know I can't keep a secret!

Leonard

You can if you try. Think about it this way: if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret, right?

Sheldon

Why do you get to be Batman?

Leonard

Because the Batman has the secret.

Sheldon

Alfred has secrets, too!

Leonard

Like what?

Sheldon

Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman! See, I cannot keep a secret!

[getting up to leave] I don't believe it. This is a terrible betrayal of my trust.

Leonard

No, no - would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and that she kind of stomped on it?

... How hard did she stomp?

Leonard

Very hard!

Okay, I'm good. [Sits back down]

Howard

Raj, I just want to say I'd never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you.

Leonard

Really? Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?

[horrified] DUDE, I PUT THAT THING ON MY FACE!

Sheldon

I think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.

Howard

Hey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy Snow-cone maker!

That was all a lie!? This year's gifts are already wrapped!

Howard

And as long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food?

Sheldon

Well, excuse me! That was not a betrayal. That was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting "mothy."

Leonard

YOU PUT MOTHS IN MY FOOD!?!?!?

Sheldon

For science.

Leonard

Well, I can't believe you used Sheldon's toothbrush!

Sheldon

YOU USED MY TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??!

Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.