That '70s Show · Season 7
[Red has just witnessed something he'd never thought he'd see in his life - Eric fighting someone, specifically, a Packers fan dissing Eric for supporting the Bears]
Ooh! Eric's in a fight! No one's here! No one's gonna believe me! Why didn't I bring my camera?
[After Donna refuses to wear bikini]
Unlike some people I care about this radio station, plus I just love wearing a bikini, when I put one on I jiggle just like jelly!
Well she jiggles like two perfectly filled water-ballons, but I'm afraid you'll never get to see them, or touch them, or make a motor-boat sound with your mouth between them because she is a LADY!!!
[After Donna's boss fires her]
I'm a gentleman and never use this kind of language, but Mr. Randall you are one six-ing seven-ing monkey five-er you think your one don't stink well three-off you three-ing three [quoting George Carlin's Seven words You Can't Say on Television or Radio
[Red and Kitty see a pajama-clad Eric appear for breakfast]
Have you been in bed all day?
Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got outta bed?
You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.
It's like you guys have your own language- I don't even understand half the things you say.
Hah–if you understand anything Fez says, you're the only one. Burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh]
Oh, Kelso can't understand me- now I know how it feels to be a book! A-burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh again]
See? Man, I wanna "burn" somebody so I can be part of the gang!
This gang? Angie, the only reason this gang formed was because no one would let us into their gang! We're like the chess club- but better looking... and dumber.
[Red, Kitty, Donna, and Kelso find Eric's Vista Cruiser, abandoned]
Okay, we're gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.
What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They're gonna kill him, he can't do anything!
I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]
[walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.
Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn't have to worry [Donna's eyes open wide]
[after analyzing car] Okay, I think it's obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]
Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help.
And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.
[At a truck stop, Eric worries about how to pay his bill with Leo]
I can't believe I'm stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money. You know if we don't do something, this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers. You know, they're all freaky, sexual deviants. Man, women, animal-they don't care as long as it's warm [drinks]
Don't worry, man, I've got an idea how we can pay for this dinner. [at Circle in storeroom] That was a good idea...now how are we gonna pay for dinner?
[smiling] I think this pretty much covers your tab, but if you're interested, dessert's on me. [clicks tongue]
In that case [laughs] you'd better soak your uniform in club soda.
You see? What an awesome night. I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress...who are now making out...wow, the fact that I'm here is ... not slowing them down at all ... [laughs but is disgusted at what the waitress just did] good, God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand!
We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.
[Fez takes a bottle out of Kelso's baby bag.]
Don't touch that! It's breast milk!
Breast milk... from real breasts? [looks at Donna's chest] What don't they do?
[Kitty sees Red surrounded by girls in bikinis at the grand opening of his muffler shop]
OH, MY GOD!
There goes the fun.
Well, I hope you’re happy, Red Forman, because we are leaving! [to Hyde and Jackie] You two, get your A-S-Ses back to the car! [to the girls in bikinis] You two, get your B-O-O-Bs off my husband!
[Later, Kitty berates Red for his behavior in his car]
How could you, Red Forman?! Steven stayed with Jackie, but you went off and gave my funnel cake to those whores!
I was just trying to have a little fun!
Oh, yeah?! Well, you can take your fun and shove it up your—
[Red honks his car horn to block out Kitty's cursing]
Poor Donna. I think I hurt her pretty bad. Her neck’s stuck, just tilted over like this. But on the upside, it looks like she’s really interested in everything I have to say.
So, she’s got a bad neck. Quit whining. I’ve gone out with girls that don’t even have necks. [in high-pitched voice while tilting head up] “Hi, Fez!”
One time, this girl whipped her head around to look at me ‘cause I’m hot, and her neck just snapped. And then, she collapsed into the jukebox.
Kelso, that was the Fonz.
Well, where do you think they got it from?
Forman, forget being a chiropractor, man. The way I see it, you’re diligent, tidy, and detail-oriented. So I think you should become a professional… butt wiper.
Come on, man, this is serious. Eric, you gotta start off slow. First, you should be an amateur butt wiper.
What’s wrong with you two? So rude. Eric, I think you should move to Paris. That way you can become a butt wipier.
Dad, passing P.E. is all that’s standing between me and the rest of my life.
You’re lucky this table is standing between my foot and your ass!
[Eric tries to explain a career choice the school suggested for him to Red, Kitty, and Donna]
Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!
Eric that's perfect!
That's wonderful!
See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You're welcome.
So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]
[smiling] No, I'm not going to Milwaukee.
So, where then?
Africa!
Africa, Wisconsin?
[Hyde's father summons Hyde and Jackie to his office and explain something]
Steven, I'm moving Angie to Milwaukee to get her away from the costumers. I love my little girl but you're the one who should be running that store, so [pats Hyde on shoulder] its yours. [returns to desk]
Wow [walks forward, Jackie follows] Uh, thanks man.
OH, MY GOD!! I OWN A RECORD STORE!!
No, I own a record store.
Actually, I own a record store.
I OWN ONE-THIRD OF A RECORD STORE!! [giggles]
Moving Angie here is gonna work out for everybody. See, I just got into this real snotty country club and they don't think I'm gonna be there much but I'm gonna be there all day everyday and I'm bringing friends so I need somebody around here looking after things...while I'm out making white people uncomfortable.
It used to be where you had to buy a girl dinner before she would slide all over you, moaning like a ghost.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
