That '70s Show · Season 5
You know what? Maybe I do have feelings for Michael. But what am I supposed to do, he was my first boyfriend! And you know what, you're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of that, then I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you!
...I'm not saying it back!
See, I think it's stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean, it's simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.
I'm liking you more and more.
Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.
Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.
I really need to use the bathroom.
Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.
Yeah.
No party, no pooper.
[chuckles] Nice.
Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]
[The gang is watching Red scream through the screen door. Kelso has just walked in]
Sorry I'm late but I was cutting through backyards and the Hendersons got a new jungle gym. Woah, he's still yelling?
Yeah, I'm trying to read Red's lips but I can't make it out. He keeps calling me a stupid duck. [Jackie looks at Hyde in disbelief. Eric finally gets it and snaps his fingers] Ahhh.
Hey I'll go spy on them. I just need to run home and change into my ninja outfit,
I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.
Well doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, Eric.
[Fez reports to the gang about sleeping with Nina]
No way, Fez I can't believe you finally lost your virginity.
Wait, this isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?
No, this is the real thing.
I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.
Alive?
No, I'm gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.
So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumb-ass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.
An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here. [Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]
[Hyde, Kelso, Fez, and Jackie go into a Circle and talk about Leo, who left Hyde]
[laughs] Can't close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin' to freak me out. Leo's the best.
Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin' son of a bitch!
You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn't Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I'll never forget that.
I'm just sad I'll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I'd like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I'll bet I look like a stallion.
So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!
To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]
[Kelso just hit a police car]
I cannot believe you hit a police car.
Nah, don't worry. It's a hot lady cop. Yah, just watch the master.
License and registration.
Yeah, just give me a sec here. My wallet gets stuck ‘cause I've been workin' out. My leg muscles are huge. Oh boy. By the way, I can bench about 220 so that'd be about - two of you little lady.
What's your name?
Oh my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend so you need to cool it little girl.
Yeah, I'll try. Okay Mr. Kelso, I'm gonna issue you a citation. [gives Kelso a ticket]
Wooh, a citation for bein' too foxy in a school zone.
No. A citation for 64 dollars. Bench press that.
I work here; hotel kitchen manager. I was gonna put out word that we're lookin' for a cook, but then I figured why bother. They'll just leave me like everybody else.
So Roy, seem a little depressed there.
Yeah, I'm teeterin' on the brink.
Maybe I can do somethin' to cheer you up.
Really? Oh, that'd be great.
Cut to the three of them in The Circle:
So I'm on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone's tellin' me to jump. I was just out for a jog.
Okay Roy, here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna take that job as cook and keep you company; on two conditions. I'm not gonna work very hard, and you're gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it'll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.
Great! And if it's work related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.
[Red, Kitty, and Eric confront Hyde for letting Jackie sleep over in the basement. Eric is in a makeshift toga.]
Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.
And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.
Told you to look where you were goin'.
Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?
You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.
Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?
Jackie's been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.
Look, nothing was going on.
Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!
Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.
[Fez and Kelso are talking about Nina's parents embarrassing him for being "different" in the Basement]
You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]
Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.
You said it brother.I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Well, thats Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they are too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]
Fez, we need to talk.
Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!
Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
[Long pause] Except that. Thanks Kelso! [Kelso pumps his fist in agreement, as Fez and Nina leave]
Donna, you're so sweet for letting Jackie live here with you while her mother is...[pauses]...you know.
Whoring around Mexico?
Donna that is not fair...[pauses]...I think she left Mexico.
[learning Eric is selling his albums for money] You know, it occurs to me, that since I paid the allowance that bought those records in the first place, that money's mine.
Well, it occurs to me that possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Keep up with the smart-mouth, and my foot'll be nine-tenths of the way up your ass! [leaves]
You know, Forman, you should write a book: Things My Father Threatened to Put in My Ass. Chapter One: His Foot. I'd buy that!
[singing along to Anne Murray] "And even though I ain't got money, I'm so..." who am I kidding? After I can't pay for Donna's ring, no one's gonna be in love with me, honey. Must you mock me, Anne Murray?
Kelso, because of your pantie shenanigans, I'm banning you from the circle. I hereby ban you! I also hereby eat your burrito. [takes burrito from Kelso]
Hey, Hyde. You're not the boss of me! ...Alright. But you can't tell me what to do... shoot. Well, at least I'm still my own man. ...No, I'm not! [gets up and leaves the circle]
What do you suppose Jackie and Donna are doing in the room right now? Combing each other's hair? Applying moisturizer to their "all-overness"? Oh, to be a fly on that boob.
All I know is I gotta go tell the woman I love that the ring I gave her for all eternity was actually for only six-and-a-half weeks. Life's more complicated than one of your simple little ditties, isn't it, Anne Murray? Anne Murray. What do you know about hard times? [scoffs] Canada.
I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.
Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!
Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
