TV show quotes
[Jackie talks to Kitty]
Mrs. Forman, your brownies saved my life. Christine was yelling at me all morning but then I gave her one of your brownies and she started liking me.
Oh, I don't believe that for a minute. I could eat a whole try of those brownies and I still wouldn't like you.
Will you Just Listen?!
Oh, Red. I'd love to talk to you, but I have to check the pressure in my tires.
Hey Red. Kitty told Sam the presents weren't for her and I'm kind of in trouble. I got us each a bouquet of flowers for the ladies.
Kitty! I got you roses! (to Hyde) See how it feels, dumbass?!
You buy my gifts in bulk? [referring to Red's Emergency presents stash]
No, it's more of a.... vast inventory of love. [pause]
Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS! [Red looks stunned] Yeah, I can do that too!
(voice recording) Happy birthday Eric. I have a sexy surprise for you. Look across into my window. Yeah, I thought you'd like those. Now come over here and I'll...
Hey.
(turns off tape) Hey.
What's up?
Nothing. Just, you know, hanging out.
Cool. I've never sat on the hood of a car with a girl before?
Yeah, actually, you know what. This car was kind of...
(notices the lightsaber) Ooh.
Oh.
A lightsaber.
Yeah, that belonged to someone. Now lets...
Check it out. (Donna imagines Randy with Eric's hair and clothing while he's swinging the lightsaber) I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you. (Randy continues swinging the lightsaber)
Stop it. (pushes Randy of the Vista Cruiser)
What the hell?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, this is, this is just too weird. I can't do this. I can't see you anymore.
You could of just said you didn't like Star Wars.
Ooh, this pineapple reminds me of Donna. It's a little tart.
Hey, don't call my daughter names, you can call me names. I really wish you wouldn't.
Why, I just..., I don't know what she sees in Randy. He's so charming, and, and friendly, and always willing to lend a helping hand. What a jackass.
Well, I like him. He calls me Mr. P. Where did he come up with that one?
Kitty, if Donna's going to date anyone, why not him? I mean, he's bright, he's good with tools, and most important, he has never once tried to teach me the Ways of the Jedi.
Wait a minute. You like Randy, too?
Well, I'm just saying. I don't hate him as much as I hate most people.
Well you have said a lot of hurtful things, but this is the worst! (she walks away)
Kitty?
She's crazy. This pineapple's delicious.
[Jackie reveals other items in her Ideal Guy list.]
There are plenty of other things on this list. My perfect guy compliments me, buys me presents and comes when I call... and none of that describes Fez.
[enters] Did you call me?
What? No, I...
Wow Jackie, you look fantastic today. Ah, which reminds me, I got you a present. [gives gift] Enjoy. Bye, guys! [exits]
Whoa, that was weird!
[Hyde tries to shoot a basketball to determine whether to stay with Samantha]
[to Donna] It's a tough decision, man. I'll let the ball decide. If I make the shot, stay with Sam. If it misses, I say goodbye. [shoots; ball gets jammed into hoop's crevice]
Huh. God's funny.
Why is there a closed sign on the door?
Oh, Red put that up. He said I could either have a closed sign on the door or an open sign on my ass.
[Kitty is enthusiastic that Red can finally stop taking heart pills]
Well that is wonderful news. Oh and you know what this means? We can bring back fried cheese friday!
It's not good news Kitty. I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now. That's 200 bucks down the crapper.
Why don't you just sell 'em? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation... I saw one time on an after school special...
Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal. And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses...[takes a bottle of gin and a glass] I will be in the bath.
You know man, you can sell those pills.
No I can't.
Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.
Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills?
[Red and Hyde visit the Viking Lodge, an old man's hangout]
Anybody here take procardiacs? [Men raise their hands] The doctor is in!
[Fez is nursing a face wound Caroline gave to him after she sees Jackie kiss him]
Jackie, what was that kiss all about?
Fez it's something that I wanted to do for a really long time. And I was wondering..you know, hoping, that maybe you and I could be together.
You want to be with me?!
Yeah. I mean Fez, my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.
Well. So you want me because you're lonely? Great, so that makes me what, your last resort?
No Fez. You're wrong, it's not...
You know what Jackie, forget it. You went to be with Kelso AND Hyde. I don't wanna be your sloppy thirds. [Jackie goes to her room]
[Jackie's been taking revenge on Fez for turning her down, and he has planned a counterstrike in their apartment's shower]
Fez, if this is the ex-lax prank, I'd rather hear about it then see it.
No it's better. And she's turning the shower off.. she's getting out...look at herself in the mirror and... [Jackie screams, goes out of the shower with her hair dyed green]
FEZ!
Ho ho ho Green Jackie!
Fez, you completely ruined my hair!
You destroyed my car!
I had every right to destroy your car, you turned me down!
You turned me down like a million times and I never did anything!
Actually I remember a lot of crying.
Yes I cried, because I have feelings, unlike you Jackie.
Oh, huhuh. I have feelings. And they told me to buy a bottle of spray paint and tell the whole world that you have a tiny-
IT'S NORMAL SIZED! Well you know what, I'm glad I turned you down, because you are a mean, bitter girl. And now, you're ugly on the outside like you are ugly on the inside.
Holy crap man, cover your nipples!
I can't believe that's what you really think of me.
Well it is.
Fine. I'll just go pack up my things and get out of your life. [returns to her room]
Damn man, that was harsh.
Yeah. Must have been my Jamaican fire.
So...you're from Jamaica?
No, Jamaican Fire. It's my new cologne.
Bob, Red has something he’d like to say to you. [to Red] Go ahead.
Bob... I’m sorry that I said your idea is stupid.
And…
And the next time you have a stupid idea, I’ll just keep my mouth shut.
You know what, Red? I really don’t give a damn what you think. All these years I’ve had to put up with you cutting me down, calling me dumbass... Well, guess what?! YOU’RE THE DUMBASS! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A CRANKY FUCK WHO THINKS HIS SHIT DON’T STINK! SO YOU CAN BLOW IT OUT YOUR FUCKING ASS! [pause; Red looks shocked] What? What, you wanna hit me?! Go ahead, you bald fuck! Well, go ahead! Do it! I’m not afraid of you! In fact, I’ll kick your bony fucking ass right now!!
[pause; looks at Kitty briefly] Bob, you’ve got some nerve. Good for you! It’s about time you stuck up for yourself and acted like a man.
I’m sorry, Red! It just slipped out! [hugs Red]
[Red shows the DuBoises around the house]
Is this the kitchen?
No, it's a petting zoo There's the goat...pony ride. [points at Mr. DuBois] Ah, there's the dumbass!
[Red gets season tickets for the Packers.]
Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.
[holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.
Really?
[softly] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
I was talking to the tickets.
[Donna waits for Eric on the Vista Cruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]
Happy New Year.
Eric!
Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?
I start college next week.
Oh, that's awesome. [long pause]
So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?
Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long --
[teary] Eric, things are a lot different now.
Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Donna, I'm sorry. [Kisses Donna]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
