TV show quotes
[learning Eric is selling his albums for money] You know, it occurs to me, that since I paid the allowance that bought those records in the first place, that money's mine.
Well, it occurs to me that possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Keep up with the smart-mouth, and my foot'll be nine-tenths of the way up your ass! [leaves]
You know, Forman, you should write a book: Things My Father Threatened to Put in My Ass. Chapter One: His Foot. I'd buy that!
[singing along to Anne Murray] "And even though I ain't got money, I'm so..." who am I kidding? After I can't pay for Donna's ring, no one's gonna be in love with me, honey. Must you mock me, Anne Murray?
Kelso, because of your pantie shenanigans, I'm banning you from the circle. I hereby ban you! I also hereby eat your burrito. [takes burrito from Kelso]
Hey, Hyde. You're not the boss of me! ...Alright. But you can't tell me what to do... shoot. Well, at least I'm still my own man. ...No, I'm not! [gets up and leaves the circle]
What do you suppose Jackie and Donna are doing in the room right now? Combing each other's hair? Applying moisturizer to their "all-overness"? Oh, to be a fly on that boob.
All I know is I gotta go tell the woman I love that the ring I gave her for all eternity was actually for only six-and-a-half weeks. Life's more complicated than one of your simple little ditties, isn't it, Anne Murray? Anne Murray. What do you know about hard times? [scoffs] Canada.
I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.
Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!
Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.
[Fez confronts Nina for breaking up with him.]
Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?
Fez, right now I'm at a point in my--
Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!
Hey, the truth is you're too needy.
Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.
No, your needs are fine. It's your neediness that's the problem.
Then why didn't you say that?
I didn't want you to make a scene.
You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.
Hey, weren't we supposed to seize something, man?
You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have? A bionic nose. You could smell everything!
Guys, all I know is that we should really appreciate this. 'Cause... I don't think we're gonna be able to do this in college.
This peach cobbler... is amazing! I love how they have a whole pan of peach cobbler just sittin' on a counter!
See? We don't need anyone else. We have lots of interesting things to say. [to Hyde] Right?
...Hey. There's this car that runs on water.
[The gang pelts Hyde with beer cans again]
It runs on water, man!
[Fez is uneasy after he admits having had a dream about Kelso]
That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.
Wha? No you don't gotta! Look at him! He's undressing me with his eyes, right now!
You undressed yourself you son of a bitch!!!
Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don't be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty, or fondle or forbidden. Go on.
Well...Kelso was a nurse. And there was ... sponging.
Ohhh!
Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls?
Well, did it continue?!?
No! What could this mean?
Well, isn't it obvious? It means that I'm gay!
[Red is pleased with Eric's new job at Joanne's dog food factory]
Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin' in. I mean ... you two are happy, right?
Very happy.
Yes.
Of course you are. And that's why I've changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me ... that you two are mature enough to get married.
Wha-Are, are you serious?
Absolutely! Hey! Let's get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week!
Next week? Wow that's, that's really soon.
Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin' like ... someday.
Yeah, yeah someday. That's good.
[Eric and Donna are sitting in the basement. Red has been pressuring them to marry]
You know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married-in-a-week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but you know what? That ain't happening Missy. You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!
Wow! It's every little girl's dream to get married out of spite!
[Jackie explains to Hyde her moment with Kelso in the previous episode]
...and that's when you saw us, but I swear nothing happened!
Jackie, stop talking! Look I know all this now okay. But before I knew I was at the hotel last night, and I was really mad, there was this nurse...and-
And what? [gives him a mean look and he looks really sorry]
And I'm really sorry okay. I promise it'll never happen again.
[voice breaking up] That's exactly what Michael used to say!
C'mon Jackie-
No, you know what Steven, I'm sorry. It's over. [gets out of the car and walks away]
[turns on radio] Huh, finally get country music.
[Fez has been caught by the police while painting the water tower.]
Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!
Get off the water tower!
[raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!
[Eric and Donna are browsing the classified ads for places to rent near UW-Madison]
Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!
Wait. A washer and free water? My God, its like there's no reason to come home!
[Kitty laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be Shouting out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we going to do for THE FOURTH OF JULY?!
Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.
A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in FUCKING KENOSHA! I just want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]
[At the campfire, Kelso tries a familiar song to rub Hyde and Jackie's breakup in Hyde's face]
Something touched me deep inside the day that Hyde...lied [Hyde is giving Kelso a look]
So bye, bye Mr. Steven Hyde.
I'm a hottie and you're nottie
Jackie's gonna be mine
She likes my brunette locks not your curly-ass twine
Oh, Jackie Burkhart you are so fiiiiine
[Red is having a heart attack because Fez and Laurie broke the news of their marriage]
Hang on, Dad.
Kitty?
Yes, Red?
If I don't make it, kill the foreigner!
[Eric and Donna try to scare everyone during their campfire]
Okay. I'm gonna freak everyone out and tell my ghost story, so go hide in the woods and jump out when I get to the end.
[in a British accent] You are as wicked as you are gorgeous.
[Eric gets up and leaves]
You know... it really creeps me out being out here after what happened to those kids.
What kids?
A bunch of kids just like us were camping out up here, [turns on flashlight pointed at her face] and they disappeared. And all the police could find were these bloody drag marks that led down to the lake. It was like... it was like something killed them, and then pulled them in.
Maybe it was the Loch Ness Monster.
No, Fez. The Loch Ness Monster's in Africa.
So the police, like, searched the lake with their sonar and stuff. And when they played back the tapes all they could hear in the background was, like, a whisper.
What did it say?
[scarily; points flashlight at Kelso] "I am the Lady of the Lake. I am the Lady of the Lake." Yeah, and you'll know when she's coming because she screams before she kills. Let's see if we can hear her. [pause] I said, Let's see if we can hear her!
D–Donna, I'm stuck in a thornbush.
I heard her! She's stuck in a thornbush!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
