[Eric and Donna are sitting in the basement. Red has been pressuring them to marry]
You know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married-in-a-week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but you know what? That ain't happening Missy. You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!
DonnaWow! It's every little girl's dream to get married out of spite!
[Eric and Donna are browsing the classified ads for places to rent near UW-Madison]
Donna
Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!
Wait. A washer and free water? My God, its like there's no reason to come home!
[Kitty laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be Shouting out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we going to do for THE FOURTH OF JULY?!
Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.
A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in FUCKING KENOSHA! I just want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]
[Eric and Donna try to scare everyone during their campfire]
Donna
Okay. I'm gonna freak everyone out and tell my ghost story, so go hide in the woods and jump out when I get to the end.
[in a British accent] You are as wicked as you are gorgeous.
[Eric gets up and leaves]
Donna
You know... it really creeps me out being out here after what happened to those kids.
Donna
A bunch of kids just like us were camping out up here, [turns on flashlight pointed at her face] and they disappeared. And all the police could find were these bloody drag marks that led down to the lake. It was like... it was like something killed them, and then pulled them in.
Maybe it was the Loch Ness Monster.
No, Fez. The Loch Ness Monster's in Africa.
Donna
So the police, like, searched the lake with their sonar and stuff. And when they played back the tapes all they could hear in the background was, like, a whisper.
Donna
[scarily; points flashlight at Kelso] "I am the Lady of the Lake. I am the Lady of the Lake." Yeah, and you'll know when she's coming because she screams before she kills. Let's see if we can hear her. [pause] I said, Let's see if we can hear her!
D–Donna, I'm stuck in a thornbush.
I heard her! She's stuck in a thornbush!
It was awful. I saw Laurie, and everything just went blank, and I just ran. I just ran away. And then I heard these high-pitched screams.... and it was me.
Donna
Yeah? Well, I've got bigger problems. Fez is a good artist. He's gonna paint me onto a nudie poster, and sell it to every gaucho in Argentina, or wherever the hell he's from. Eric, I'm gonna be Ms. Nude Argentina.
You know, being here under the stars, sitting on the grass... makes me really glad I'm not poor.
Check out that fire, baby. Yeah, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's turning a small fire into a big fire. Man, that one guitar-shaped log is roarin'! [looks more closely into the fire] What the... Is that my guitar?!
[Jackie and Hyde are making out on Donna's bed]
Steven, I am so glad we are back together. I thought I lost my pudding pop forever.
You wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me pudding pop. [They continue making out and Donna and Eric come in]
Donna
How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? You guys are like cats; you don't even listen. [sprays Jackie and Hyde with water]
You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore. Besides I just can't keep my hands off my puddin' pop.
DEDonna and Eric
Puddin' Pop?
Is that supposed to be me? I never had that name before in my life.
[In the circle]
We should think about getting her something else. What do you think Puddin' pop?
Why does everyone keep callin' me that? My name's not Puddin' pop! I never heard that name before in my life! Forman's dead.
Hey, you guys think that's funny you should hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his- [Hyde shoves a piece of cake in her face] Hey! Oh hey, that's some good cake!
Laverne is so annoying. Why does Shirley put up with her crap?
She has to. They're in love.
Donna
Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not lesbians.
Trust me, they're one bottle of wine away from making out, just like you two.
Donna
Okay, we're back, and uh, if my boyfriend's listening, you're late and I'm a little worried you're trapped in a snowdrift or something. So, honey, if you're cold, I'm with you, baby. Okay, so let's take some requests, hello, you're on the air.
GAGirl at Dance
Hi, I'd like to dedicate He's the Greatest Dancer by Sister Sledge to Eric Forman, the coolest guy at the Christmas dance.
Donna
What? He's still at the dance?
GAGirl at Dance
Sorry, I have to go. He's telling us about his boat.
Donna
That sneaky bastard. Uh, that sneaky bastard Santa Claus is on his way with a non-stop block of classic Christmas tunes, and remember, you're listening to WFPP with me, Hot Donna. [sizzling sound] You hear that, Eric Forman? That's not bacon, that's your ass when I get a hold of you.
[Eric laments about accidentally seeing Kelso's van plunge from Mt Hump]
Man, poor Kelso's van. When it finally landed, it didn't so much crash, it just completely separated into basic elements and just returned to nature.
Donna
So sad, there were Tootsie Rolls everywhere.
[Eric and Donna visit the marriage counselor, Pastor Dan]
PDPastor Dan
Okay, what did you want to tell me?
Well, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...We lied, okay? We have had sex zillions of times. I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.
Donna
Eric!
Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't goin' in!
PDPastor Dan
Eric, you're not going to hell. But you might be. I don't know you that well. I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.
Donna
Wow. I never thought about it that way.
PDPastor Dan
Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage. The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced. Maybe you knew that without realizing it.
Um...I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again. This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.
PDPastor Dan
Exactly. And what is the Force in real life? [Eric gasps and points up at ceiling]
[Everyone plays Truth or Dare against each other in pairs; Donna is with Eric, Kelso is with Fez, and Hyde is with Jackie, leaving Mitch by himself]
Donna
Okay, Kelso: Truth or dare.
Donna
Have you ever snuck into my bathroom while I was showering?
You have snuck in there! I was there and I saw you! ...I mean, dare.
Okay, Steven: Truth or dare? The truth will be whether or not you love me, and the dare will be... telling me that you love me!
Okay, Mitch: Truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna. [gasps at himself] Mitch! Naughty Mitch!
Donna
Mitch, you goofball. That’s not how that works. You have to be, like, "I dare you to kiss me."
[Mitch gets up and kisses Donna in front of Eric]
Look at him go! He's like a hummingbird!
[Kelso pretends to interrogate Eric]
Alright, Mr. Forman, if that is indeed your real name, what did you do on the day of yesterday?
You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat!
[Kelso takes Eric's X-Wing model and smashes it against the table]
Oh, just relax, Eric. I'm just doing good cop, bad cop. That was the bad cop, but he's gone now. See, now good cop is here to take care of you. Hey, how you doin', buddy? It's a real shame about what happened to your model. Why don't you tell me what you did yesterday?
I came home from the restaurant, and spent six hours building that model!
Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, but what about your encounter at the store with the girl who sells slurpees?
Yeah, you remember. She asked why you never call her anymore. You were like...
Donna
Wait. Is that the girl from the movies?
Donna, I'm asking the question here. Was that the girl from the movies?
Donna
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
Donna
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Kelso, will you shut up?!
Oh, yeah, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?!
[pushes Kelso's face away] Look, Donna maybe I kinda know her. Maybe we kinda went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.
Wait. You got other girls besides Donna to go out with you? What is this obsession with the underdog?
Donna
So the other day at the movies you lied to me?
Donna, I'm the senior officer here. So the other day at the movies you lied to me.
No! You know, I mean... it was the movies, you know. It's... it's all make-believe.
Donna
Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight. My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion: Anger at your scrawny ass!
Well, good job, Michael. You solved one crime and prevented an even bigger one: Donna having sex with Eric.
[to Eric] You have the right to remain BUUURRRRRNNN!
[Kelso and Hyde make fun of Eric and Donna making up]
You know, I never stopped loving you.
Donna
Eric... [kisses Eric]
Hyde, I never stopped loving you, either. [takes Hyde's hand in his]
[pretends to tear up] Don't. I promised myself I wouldn't cry!
You guys better be kidding, or I'm gonna be super pissed!
Forman, your bachelor party's tonight. We're going to a strip club, so don't forget your inhaler.
Come on, Hyde. I don't need a silly bachelor party.
Oh, come on, man. It'll be one last night of the finest debauchery that Point Place has to offer.
Hyde, all I need is my sweetie here for the rest of my life.
Donna
It's alright, Eric. You can go.
Alright! I'm gonna see nudies!
[walks into the kitchen] Oh, Eric, you're not going to one of those hoochie mama shows, are you?
Don't worry, Mrs. Forman. I'll return your son in the same slightly girly condition that he leaves in.
[The gang, the Formans and Bob are in the Forman living room after Eric failed to arrive at the wedding rehearsal. Hyde answers a phone call.]
Hello... Yeah, we kinda figured... Uh-huh ... Well, do you wanna talk to her? She sittin' right here... Okay [hangs up] Wrong number.
Donna
Hyde, what did he say?
He said he's really sorry.
Donna
He's sorry? He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What.. what does that mean?
It means he's not coming. Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.
Man, I am glad to be here. I have had a rough day. Being around all this love and happiness oughtta cheer me right up. I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love. Wait, hey, where's Eric?
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
