[Hyde is in the hospital after falling off the water tower while with Donna]
DonnaHyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.
Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
[enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.
And you brought me flowers?
No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?
Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]
[Midge returns]
Donna
Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
[enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
[walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
I came to see Donna. Who's the amazon?
Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
PPam
"Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Donna
Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Your mom is staying with us?
Donna
No, your mom is staying with us.
Donna
Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.
Is it Donna's engagement ring?
No. No it's too big for that.
Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.
Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]
Donna
I didn't say anything!
Donna
It could've been bigger.
I can't believe Red bought the muffler shop. Alright, that's it. New Eric's out, Old Eric's back. I should probably just go upstairs and think about what I've done.
Donna
Oh, come on. You can't turn back now. You're like an explorer discovering a new you. When Columbus discovered America instead of the West Indies, did he go to his room? No. He waded into Mexico and stole all of their gold.
Donna
I think it's hot when you do naughty stuff and I want you to keep doing it.
You know what? It is hot. I'm not gonna let Red bully me out of it. I mean, how often was I hot before? Almost never, right?! But now, I am hot, and hot, I will stay. Let's celebrate.
Donna
(gasps) One of Red's beers?
There's a new sheriff in town, little lady.
Well, if it isn't my son, the vandal. You know I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot.
Look, I said I was sorry and I fixed up the shop. Come on Dad, aren't we- aren't we getting a little old for this whole dance? I mean, here we are, shaking our booties and I mean, disco's dead.
You're not taking dance lessons again, are you?
No, I'm saying, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna accept my apology, man to man, and then sit down with me and my girl here, and enjoy this beer.
No, here's what's gonna happen. You are gonna put down that beer and go to your room.
Or, here's what's gonna happen. I am going to go to my room. But first, I'm gonna chug this beer.
Donna
Chug it Eric.
Okay, that's really fizzy. But I think I made my point. Now you put some saran wrap on that, and I will finish it later.
I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna
Um, that's not how evolution works.
Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
[The gang hosts a circle at Barnett’s record shop]
I love that you taught me to love hittin’ it. You know, this is the first time we’ve hit it at... Hey. This place doesn’t have a name yet!
Donna
We should call it, “Hot Wax Records”... but with a “Z.” Recordz. Z’s are so rock ‘n roll!
“Funk Man’s House of Funk,” “Funk Man’s Funky House of Funk.” “Funky Man’s Funky House of Hittin’ It”! [laughs] You guys writing this down or what?!
Okay, here’s the situation. Thanksgiving Night, everything’s closed. We need to find a hundred record bins by midnight. It’s the same damn thing every year.
Wait, I have a question. …How does hair know to grow? And how far inside your head does it go? Does it touch your brain?
Okay, I think we need to get Jerry Garcia here some coffee.
Let the girl rap. I will sing to it! What do you think about my head?
The Head, that’s the name! I saved the day!
Donna
You know what would be perfect for the records? Those boxes that milk bottles come in. They’re like crates… or crepes. Crepes! How good are crepes?!
That’ll work, man. We need, like, fifty empty milk crates.
Well, how are we gonna drink all that milk? Wait! We need fifty boxes of cookies!
No, wastoid! We’ll steal the crates! It’s perfect. Milk crates.
Donna
Milk crates.
This is one messed-up Christmas, man. You guys are all starting to look like elves.
[laughing while taking off elf ears and hat] That must’ve freaked you out! [laughs again]
[watches Donna play with a Gyro Wheel] It’s gonna fall off.
Donna
It’s okay.
Oh my God, it—it is gonna fall off!
Donna
It’s okay!
Let me give you my recipe for holiday cheer. Take one slop and half a bottle of schnapps, then stir freely with Fez. It is a wonderful life.
[Having been given money by Red to buy a jersey, Eric comes back to the stands wearing a Chicago Bears jersey, amidst a sea of Packers fans]
Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?
Donna
Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me tell you in a way how you can understand. The Packers are like the Jedi, and you're wearing a Go Darth Vader jersey.
Uh, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football. They play manu-Ka.
Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.
For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?
No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay? I am the underdog in real life. I like Charlie Brown. I like the little engine that could. I like the Bears.
AAngie
It's like you guys have your own language- I don't even understand half the things you say.
Hah–if you understand anything Fez says, you're the only one. Burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh]
Oh, Kelso can't understand me- now I know how it feels to be a book! A-burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh again]
AAngie
See? Man, I wanna "burn" somebody so I can be part of the gang!
Donna
This gang? Angie, the only reason this gang formed was because no one would let us into their gang! We're like the chess club- but better looking... and dumber.
[Red, Kitty, Donna, and Kelso find Eric's Vista Cruiser, abandoned]
Okay, we're gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.
What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They're gonna kill him, he can't do anything!
I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]
Donna
[walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.
Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn't have to worry [Donna's eyes open wide]
[after analyzing car] Okay, I think it's obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]
Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help.
And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.
[Eric tries to explain a career choice the school suggested for him to Red, Kitty, and Donna]
Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!
Donna
Eric that's perfect!
See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You're welcome.
So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]
[smiling] No, I'm not going to Milwaukee.
Donna
So, where then?
[Kelso, Fez, and Donna forgot to bring beer. Charlie gives them a six-pack]
How much do we love this guy?
Donna
Charlie, it is so awesome hanging out with you.
CCharlie
Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to finally belong to something you know. It's like the first day of the rest of my life! [ leans against the railing, which breaks] WHOOHOO!
THE BEER! [gang looks down and hears a thud]
Donna
That was a pretty awkward landing...I hope he's okay.
Of course he's okay. It's not like anyone ever died falling off the water tower.
[narrating to tape recorder, in kitchen]...And so they renamed it the Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.
[Jackie tries to hit on Donna's date, who walks away]
[rants off at bar patrons] Ah come back here! Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart! I am adorable! I am engaging and I'm DAMN likeable. And if you're too stupid to see that, then I feel sorry for you! [her dress slips off her shoulder] 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here, it's me.
Donna
Jackie! [tries to cover Jackie up]
Get off me! [Donna whispers something in her ear] What the hell is a "boobs out"? [looks down] AAARRGGHHHH!!!!
[The gang hosts one last circle with Kelso in the basement before he leaves Point Place]
I can't believe it's our last circle before I go. Wait a minute... Oh! Now I get why we call it a circle! THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME!
You know, Michael, I will always remember you as the first boy who kissed me… and proposed to me, and told me that putting out makes your nails grow. I really believed you.
Donna
Kelso, I'm kinda gonna miss you constantly trying to grab my boob. You made me feel pretty. ...I am messed up.
Donna, I give you my word. I will always be here, trying to grab your boob. We'll do it for Kelso...[tears up] who won't be here to do it anymore. Oh, God!
Man... Kelso, this is weird. I always imagined our last moment together would be me... watching you strapped to a homemade rocket, flailing around in circles screaming, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"
Well, guess this is goodbye. ...Man, I'm gonna miss this. Like, being down here, I've had, like, the best time of my life. And you know what? No matter where I live, I will love you guys forever. [pause] Well, guess it's time to go. So... see ya.
[Kelso gets up and leaves the basement]
Donna
Wow. He's really gone.
[holding back tears] My beautiful tormentor!
[runs back inside] I'm not leaving til tomorrow! [points at Fez] And you were crying! BURN!
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
