Red Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Kitty

Well that is wonderful news. Oh and you know what this means? We can bring back fried cheese friday!

Red

It's not good news Kitty. I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now. That's 200 bucks down the crapper.

Hyde

Why don't you just sell 'em? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation... I saw one time on an after school special...

Kitty

Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal. And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses...[takes a bottle of gin and a glass] I will be in the bath.

Hyde

You know man, you can sell those pills.

Red

No I can't.

Hyde

Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.

Red

Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills?

Hyde

Anybody here take procardiacs? [Men raise their hands] The doctor is in!

Kitty

Bob, Red has something he’d like to say to you. [to Red] Go ahead.

Red

Bob... I’m sorry that I said your idea is stupid.

Kitty

And…

Red

And the next time you have a stupid idea, I’ll just keep my mouth shut.

Bob

You know what, Red? I really don’t give a damn what you think. All these years I’ve had to put up with you cutting me down, calling me dumbass... Well, guess what?! YOU’RE THE DUMBASS! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A CRANKY FUCK WHO THINKS HIS SHIT DON’T STINK! SO YOU CAN BLOW IT OUT YOUR FUCKING ASS! [pause; Red looks shocked] What? What, you wanna hit me?! Go ahead, you bald fuck! Well, go ahead! Do it! I’m not afraid of you! In fact, I’ll kick your bony fucking ass right now!!

Red

[pause; looks at Kitty briefly] Bob, you’ve got some nerve. Good for you! It’s about time you stuck up for yourself and acted like a man.

Bob

I’m sorry, Red! It just slipped out! [hugs Red]

Is this the kitchen?

Red

No, it's a petting zoo There's the goat...pony ride. [points at Mr. DuBois] Ah, there's the dumbass!

Kitty

Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.

Red

[holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.

Kitty

Really?

Red

[softly] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.

Kitty

Oh, I love you, too.

Red

I was talking to the tickets.