Star Trek: Lower Decks quotes

Brad Boimler

Captain’s Log, Stardate 57436.2. The Cerritos is docked at Douglas Station for routine maintenance and resupply. We will soon set course for the capital planet on the Galar system, where we’re scheduled to make second contact with the Galardonian high council. First Contact is a delicate, high-stakes operation of diplomacy. Once must be ready for anything when humanity is interacting with an alien race for the first time. But we don’t do that. Our specialty is second contact. Still pretty important. We get all the paperwork signed, make sure we’re spelling the name of the planet right, get to know all the good places to eat...

Beckett Mariner

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Brad Boimler

Uh, nothing, nothing, nothing. I’m just…

Beckett Mariner

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Are you pretending to do a, “Captains Log?”

Brad Boimler

We’re all supposed to keep logs!

Beckett Mariner

Ok, Let me listen to it.

Brad Boimler

[annoyed] No, go away!

D’Vana Tendi

I can’t believe we are going to serve side by side. Scientists and commanders, an elite team.

Beckett Mariner

Yeah, no, we’re not really elite. We’re more like the cool, scrappy underdogs of the ship. You know, we don’t wash our hands, we’re doing kick flips all the time.

Brad Boimler

But with focus and dedication, you could be chief medical officer someday.

Beckett Mariner

Ugh, Senior Officers are overrated. They’re always like stressed out and just yelling about directives. It is better down here where the real action is.

Nothing like a cold beer after a smooth second contact.

Jack Ransom

Now, that’s what I’m talking about.

Sam Rutherford

I would kill to work on the deflector dish. Most of my day is spent repairing food replicators.

They really break that often?

Sam Rutherford

Only when you get food in ‘em.

Sam Rutherford

There’s a maintenance hatch on the other side of the saucer that should give us access to Deck Eight. What kind of music are you into?

We have just enough oxygen to get there, but we’re cutting it close. I really like this classical band called, The Monkees. Ever heard of ‘em?

Sam Rutherford

Let’s just say, “I’m a believer.”

T'Ana

The anesthetic is useless. We have to work through the pain. Your hands clean?

D’Vana Tendi

Uhhh…

T'Ana

Pump this. Don't pass out. Nobody's authorized to pass out!

Beckett Mariner

I have served on five ships, man. I have seen stuff. One time I got trapped in a sentient cave for weeks. You ever been trapped in a sentient cave? That's a dark place that knows things. I almost got my head taken off a singing crystal. I have been in a Klingon prison where I had to fight a yeti for my own shoes for no reason! He was just being a dick! You've been on what, four planets?

Brad Boimler

Five, if you include Vulcan."

Beckett Mariner

Of course I don't include stupid Vulcan! You may as well count Earth.

Brad Boimler

[softly] I was counting Earth.

T'Ana

We need to get this man to sickbay immediately! He is very important!

Captain Carol Freeman

What makes him so special?

T'Ana

Nothing. He's worthless. It's the slime, captain. He's covered in slime that could save us all!

Captain Carol Freeman

Everyone, protect this slime!

Jack Ransom

Oh, what happened? Where am I? And… did I eat flesh?

D’Vana Tendi

Uh, hardly any.

Jack Ransom

HOW MUCH DID I EAT?!

Beckett Mariner

Still uh, happy to be here?

D’Vana Tendi

Are you kidding? I got to hold a heart!

Beckett Mariner

After we dump this in storage lets hit the bar and see if we can get a cute lieutenant to argue with me.

D’Vana Tendi

Interesting, why would you want that?

Beckett Mariner

I don’t know getting some uptight hunk all wound up gets me all…

Captain Carol Freeman

I’ve really got to think of something cool to say when we’re going to warp… something like, “it’s warp time.” What do you think of that? Was that good for you?

Sam Rutherford

Well, if you see an unaligned EPS conduit; don’t call me… mine are aligned as hell.

Jack Ransom

Ok, that was a rough start. FYI, in situations like that try employing the Janeway protocol.

Sam Rutherford

Got it. And what’s that?

Jack Ransom

[laughs] Good one.

Captain, we're directly in the path of a small asteroid. Should we move to avoid?

Sam Rutherford

Uh, do the Janeway Protocol.

Uh, are you sure, sir?

Sam Rutherford

...Yes?

Collision alert, sir! The kindergarten on Deck 8, it's gone!

Sam Rutherford

Uh, uh... [another collision]

No. No no no, now the pre-K is gone! All the ship's children have been ejected into space!

Sam Rutherford

[mortified] All those kids...

Jack Ransom

Freeze program! In thousands of simulations, that's literally never happened before. [excitedly] Let's try another one, on a ship with even MORE children!