Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob

[peaks from behind a building and gasps] He's coming!

Squidward

It says here the first part of Krabs' exam is the pinch test. We just need to do it in a way he doesn't know he's being tested!

SpongeBob

Way ahead of ya! [makes a charity box that offers free money with an empty cardboard box] We'll make him an offer he can't resist!

Squidward

[reading] "Free Money Inside." Ha. Not bad.

Patrick

I wish... I wish... I wish...

Pick something, you bozo!

Patrick

Well, sometimes I wish I had an extra head so that I'd have someone to talk to when you're at work.

SpongeBob

Aww.

Pathetic. All right, your crummy wish is my command! Give me your hand, Jumbo. And the both of you, close your eyes. [Patrick holds up his left hand as he and SpongeBob close their eyes. Plankton draws a doodle on Patrick's hand with a marker, making him giggle] Alakazam!

Patrick

[notices the doodle on his hand] Oh! My extra head! It's my wish come true! Oh, I'm gonna call you Noggin.

SpongeBob

Oh, hello, Noggin. Nice to meet you.

Patrick

Noggin, say hello to SpongeBob. [silence]

SpongeBob

Oh, he doesn't have to—

Patrick

Noggin, you're embarrassing me. Say hello to SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

No, it's okay, Patrick.

Patrick

No, it's not okay!

Leaping lungfish, can we go now?

Patrick

Yes, go! Noggin here needs to be taught a painful lesson.

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs! You know we don't treat our customers like that. [Mr. Krabs is stunned] It says right here, in the Krusty Krab manual. [clears throat and reads] "The customer is always right, when they have money."

Oh! Such wise and beautiful words. Thanks for reminding me, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

I'm here to serve, Mr. Krabs.

SpongeBob

[sees an angry mob with police cars around Patrick's rock; deflatedly] Patrick, you gotta hide! There's an angry mob coming for you. They're here.

Sandy

They done busted my dome!

They wrecked me up!

Squidward

They got pictures of me naked!

No one wants to see your moles.

Ew!

Officer! [grabs Officer John and pushes him to Rube] That guy's camera took pictures of me Krabby Patty ingredients. And I want that film, before Plankton gets it!

Way ahead of you, Krabs. But there's no film in this camera at all.

Huh?

That's strange.

Rube

Sorry for the misunderstandin', everybody, but I didn't take any pictures today. I don't even have a camera.

[shocked] Huh?!

Rube

In fact... [waves his arms as his voice fades] I'm not even here. [disappears completely and everyone gasps in a shocking surprise]

Patrick

[nervously] Um...uh... [waves his hands in the air; it turns out that Rube was nothing more than an illusion] And we're backing away, and backing away, and backing away!

French Narrator

You see? I told you. Things always get weird in "The Tidal Zone." [cackling]

Rube

[appears in "The Tidal Zone" and takes pictures] Amazing! [floats away as the episode comes to an end]

SpongeBob

[still won't come down from the roof of the Krusty Krab] I sure do miss my friends. Hey, maybe I can see them from up here. [looks out from the roof and sees his house, Squidward's house, and Patrick's house. Inside Squidward's house, Squidward is preparing himself dinner] Ooh, looks like Squidward has a date. Good for him. It can be so tough to put yourself out there. [He sees Squidward clink both glasses of wine and drink them both] Oh, no. Poor Squidward. He's all alone! [He gets an idea and lights up- literally] Ah! [pulls out a flashlight from one of his pores] Don't worry, friend. I'm here for you. [shines a light down at Squidward's house and makes a shadow puppet. The shadow puppet massages Squidward's head and back. The octopus enjoys the massage, his eyes closed]

Squidward

Hm? Oh! Oh, that feels good. [He opens his eyes] Huh? [His mouth drops open and he sees a giant shadow stretching across his ceiling. He dives across his table, clings to the wall and screams as though he'd seen a ghost]

SpongeBob

Hmm, maybe he's hungry. [Squidward is standing with his hand on his head, wondering what that horrible sight he'd just seen was. SpongeBob's shadow puppet reappears, forces Squidward's mouth open and tries to feed him his dinner, but Squidward springs to the door and struggles to get it open] Come on, Squidward! Eat your... [There's a crack sound as SpongeBob's hand cramps up] Ow! Hand cramp! Hand cramp! [The shadow starts clumsily knocking things around and throws Squidward's dinner on top of him] Ow, ow, ow, ow! [His shadow puppet knocks over the table. Squidward runs to the window and struggles to open it. It won't budge so he pounds on it, yelling in distress. One of the shadow puppet fingers comes crashing down on Squidward's head by accident. The octopus' Moai house jumps about due to all of the commotion going on inside and soon its resident runs out screaming] Guess he wasn't hungry after all.

SpongeBob

Hooray! We're not on the roof anymore!

You know, after all that dancing and partying today, tomorrow's gonna feel like starting a new business!

SpongeBob

And I'm looking forward to getting in on the ground floor with you!

Squidward

[wakes up from his nap and looks at his watch] Time to go home already? [jumps off his bed and heads to the door, but bumps into dirt] Ow. [screams as dirt floods the entire bottom floor of the original Krusty Krab, trapping him as the episode ends]

SpongeBob, what are you doing? How are the customers supposed to get in now?

SpongeBob

Those aren't customers out there, Plankton. They're all Krabby Patty zombie monsters! And they're forcing everybody to eat them! You and I are the last two survivors!

Krabby Patty zombies? Heh. I'll believe it when I see it. [Suddenly, the Krabby Patty zombie break through the boards and they gather around the Chum Bucket] Okay, I believe it!

Squidward

[zips the door shut as sea bunnies crawl under the wallpaper. Squidward hides under the table and dials the shellphone] Hello, Animal Control? Save me! [The sea bunnies emerge from the wallpaper and from one of Squidward's paintings. More sea bunnies emerge from the cabinets while others emerge from the electric outlet. Squidward blubbers in panic as sea bunnies invade his house. One sea bunny emerges from his nose. His entire house is flooded with sea bunnies. Squidward escapes from the upper window of his house. He gets up and groans like an old man. He shakes the sea bunnies off him and growls in anger. He grabs a mallet from the shed and spits on his hand] GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! GAH! [hits his house with the mallet] That'll get them out.

SpongeBob

Sorry about your house, Squidward.

Patrick

Yeah. We just heard.

Squidward

[laughs maniacally] I'm a bunny now! [laughs crazily] I'm a bunny now! I'm a bunny now!

Okay, Mr. Tentacles, easy does it. [puts a straitjacket on Squidward]

Squidward

[kicks the animal control officer in the face and runs away. The animal control officer gets up and goes after the mentally-crazed Squidward with the net; laughs maniacally] I'm a bunny now! [laughs crazily] I'm a bunny now!

Squidward

SpongeBob, what have you done with my clarinet?

SpongeBob

Ooh, Squidward, you're so hard-boiled. Are you playing a game? Oh, oh, can I play?

Squidward

I know you stole my clarinet! [slapping SpongeBob] Tell me where it is!?

SpongeBob

[slapping himself] I don't know! [giggles] It couldn't have been me, Squidward. I have an alibi. I was at Grandma's house all day and I have the kissy marks to prove it. [points to the kissy marks on his head] See? There's room for one more.

Squidward

[narrating] His alibi was solid. Only a family member could stomach putting their lips on this fool.

SpongeBob

You know, we have lots of friends. Maybe they could help us find your clarinet.

Squidward

I don't have friends. I have suspects.

SpongeBob

Oh, Squidward, don't you know a suspect is just a friend you haven't cleared of charges yet? [gets pushes down by Squidward] So... can I help you solve your case? Please, please, please?

Squidward

Try not to get in the way.

SpongeBob

Yeah! It's a play-date! I mean... [changes into his detective clothes] All right, I'll partner up with you this time. [flips a coin and it disappears] Huh?

Patrick

It's so straight-downy.

SpongeBob

Don't worry, Patrick. A scavenger is always prepared. [pulls out a rope, ties it to a nearby rock and goes to climb down, but the rope isn't long enough] The rope is too short! We need another one!

Patrick

[throws down a rope] Here!

SpongeBob

Thanks, Patrick! Where'd you get another rope?

Patrick

From that rock! [slips off the edge and falls down into the canyon with SpongeBob, crashing into some stalagmites in the process. They both crash to the ground below the canyon]

SpongeBob

Found it!

SpongeBob

Okay, Patrick, one more book, then you go to sleep, 'kay?

Patrick

'Kay.

SpongeBob

This one is called "You Can Be Anything."

Patrick

[blabbers as he spins over his bed] I can be anything?

SpongeBob

Oh, sure you can, pal. [opens the book and shows the page with a fireman pop-out] You can be a firefighter... [the fireman pop-out sprays water in Patrick's face; SpongeBob turns the page that shows a doctor pop-out] You can be a doctor... [Patrick whimpers; SpongeBob turns the page and shows a cowboy pop-out] You can be a cowboy.

Patrick

That's what I want to be!

SpongeBob

Cowboy. Great choice.

Patrick

No, no, no, no, no! [points to the horse pop out] That.

SpongeBob

A horse? [chuckles] Buddy, I don't think you want to be a horse.

Patrick

You said I can be anything, and I want to be a horse! [His eyes thump SpongeBob's eyes]

SpongeBob

Sure, sure, you can be a horse. [tucks Patrick in his sand bed and sighs] Nighty-night, Patrick. [turns out the light and leaves]

SpongeBob

What do you dream about?

Gary

Meow.

Mostly, I dream of flying above it all...

SpongeBob

Aww, that's sweet.

While I breathe fiery destruction upon my enemies!

SpongeBob

[gulps] Hey, if you're gonna dream, dream big, right?

Squidward

Why would you wanna talk to him?

SpongeBob

Who wouldn't want to talk to their pet?

Squidward

I was talking to Gary.

Squidward

[in his normal voice] Oh, PapaBob... [He realizes his mistake and clears his throat] No, no. [He clears his throat and speaks in a deep, Grumbles Grizzly-type voice] Oh, PapaBob... I'm thirsty.

SpongeBob

[oblivious] At this hour? Alright... I'll get you some water.

Squidward

[looking through the window at a clarinet store] Hmm? Huh? [sees SpongeBob riding Coupe and playing instruments along the way]

SpongeBob

Hi, Squidward! [blows a clarinet in Squidward's face]

Squidward

[bewildered] Oh, I need to erase this from my mind. [pulls his nose to open his head, takes out his brain, erases it clean with a pencil, and puts his brain back in, making him dumb] Duh! What's a SpongeBob?! [drools]