SpongeBob[gasps] THE SUPER RARE AND PRICELESS MERMAIDMAN AND BARNACLEBOY TRADING CARD! Patrick, where is it?! Where is it?! Neptune, you did not put that in your pocket, did you?! It's getting all bent up! Bent up! [falls on the ground and cries] Bent uuuup! Bent, bent, bent, bent, bent up!
Sheesh. Don't get your pants up in a square knot, SpongeBob. I don't even believe in pockets. I keep everything I need right here. [a bunch of stuff is shown in his back] In the folds of my back fat. [pulls card out of his back] You seem to be pretty fond of this little thing. Why don't you just keep it?
SpongeBob
You mean... [sniffles] you'd give me your most valuable possession?
I'd give you my most valuable possession? [they hug]
SpongeBob
You're the best pal ever.
I'm the best pal ever. But can you do me one favor?
[Gary's food bowl lands on Squidward, who is on the couch, which is tipped over. Squidward sits up to realize he has the vacuum stuck inside of him] SpongeBob! [he loses balance out of the room, and falls down the stairs. He stops on one stair for the vacuum whirring, and his next step makes him fall off the final stairs before choking out the vacuum] Is it really you? [switches the vacuum to on, allowing it to whir. He picks it up] It is you! [kisses it] Come on, baby. You and I will walk out of this horror show the way we walked into it: with dignity and aplomb. [he walks out of SpongeBob's house to hear a siren, and sees firemen hosing his burnt house, while SpongeBob and Patrick are there] My house...
You just missed the fire. [Squidward walks to the firemen]
What happened to my house? [fireman holds up a burnt casserole]
FFireman
Oh, some knucklehead left a casserole in the oven.
[yelling] SPOOOOOONGEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!
SpongeBob
Aw, don't worry, Squidward. You're more than welcome to stay at my house until you get your house fixed.
[Squidward becomes shocked with ominous music playing, he suddenly imagines himself at a table with his vacuum cleaner at the seat across from him.]
Why, yes, I'd love another spot of tea, Mr. Vacuum Cleaner. [holds up the burnt casserole] Care for some casserole? [crazed laughter. Camera zooms in on his pupil, and the scene cuts back to real life]
SpongeBob
Squidward? You okay? Squidward? [Squidward faints; yelling] SQUIIIIIIIIIIDWAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!
Here's the slop you ordered. [tosses tray of food down on customer's table] Enjoy. If you can choke it down. [laughs]
SpongeBob
[writes] Be rude to customers and insult food. Nasally laugh.
[Bubble transition to Squidward throwing a bag of trash at the dumpster out back. He breaks the bag open. SpongeBob does the same. Squidward pats SpongeBob on the head. Bubble transition.]
CCustomer
Can I get a Krabby Patty Combo?
CCustomer
How about a Double Krabby?
SpongeBob
No.
CCustomer
Can I get a Triple Patty with cheese?
SpongeBob
[nudging Squidward] Oh I think you've had way too many of those. [both laugh like Squidward as the customer walks off angry. Cut to another trash bag broken being thrown at the dumpster. SpongeBob tosses a tray on a customers table, spilling the drinks on the floor]
Taught him everything he knows. [more bags of trash being broken and customers getting burnt food or food thrown at them. SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring the bathroom while customers are waiting to use the stalls. Customers are clamoring in line while SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring at the cash register as Mr. Krabs enters]
[angry] What are you two doing?! Get to work! I'm used to Squidward sleeping on the job, but I expect more from you, Mr. SquarePants!
SpongeBob
I am not SpongeBob SquarePants, Mr. Krabs!
What in the name of Davy Jones are you talking about?!
SpongeBob
I mean, do these pants look square to you? They're round!
SpongeBob
I can't be SpongeBob SquarePants with round pants!
SpongeBob
Patrick.
[Pans quickly to Patrick about to eat but stops and puts his Krabby Patty down as he realizes his error.]
Well, why don't you just take them off?
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob bringing out a Krabby Patty in his underwear.]
SpongeBob
Order up, Squidward!
Well well, if it isn't SpongeBob UnderPants! [chuckles. SpongeBob notices he's in his underwear and screams as the episode ends]
[SpongeBob and Patrick come out of the jail gates.]
SpongeBob
You're right, Patboy! This town needs us!
[A man is shown chewing his gum; gum bubble pops]
You're chewing too loud! [throws him in jail]
[A man with untied shoes is shown]
SpongeBob
Your shoe's untied! [throws him in jail]
You're too old! [throws an old woman in jail, which has lots of people]
You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturally barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!
Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?
SpongeBob
Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified as SpongeBob revealed Squidward's name]
Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...
Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?
[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!
Oh! I knew this guy was phony from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.
Yeah, me, too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!
No! Wait! [everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] NO! You're not going anywhere!
[The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]
Wha-What's going on here?
Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.
MSMusic School Headmistress
[she and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there] It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [the reporter and cameraman are there too]
BBBikini Bottom News Reporter
What a hot scoop!
MSMusic School Headmistress
The real Squiliam as we all know has a large bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead.
But... [a police officer rips off Squidward's Wig]
GPGreen Police Fish
No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, i'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.
[Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]
It looks like they're still not getting used to each other.
SpongeBob
Well, these things take time.
[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Duck and Cover!
[the fighting still continues outside of conch street; Mrs. Wormsley leaves Bikini Bottom on a bus as Gary leaves]
This town is getting too rough for me.
SpongeBob
He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants?
Maybe you could take care of them.
SpongeBob
Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset.
Okay, boy, get out there. [throws SpongeBob outside towards Plankton's robot and SpongeBob gets grabbed by the robot]
SpongeBob
Um... hello... what do you want robot thing, sir? [Plankton walks out on a boardwalk] Oh, hey Plankton! What are you doing here?
I'm here for the secret formula you twit! Now I want you to go in there and tell Krabs that if he doesn't turn over the formula to me, that he'll be subjected to utter annihilation at my... Are you getting this? [SpongeBob inhales and shakes his head; Plankton face palms and groans] Agh! Idiot! Okay, I'll make it simple: Krabs give me secret formula or I bring big boom-boom to Krusty Krab. Got it?
SpongeBob
[writing on clipboard] Krabs give me secret formula or... uhhh... what was that other thing?
[groans frustratedly] Forget it! [marches back into his command module, drops SpongeBob] Bring on the Boom-Boom! [laughs]
[Plankton's robot starts marching toward the Krusty Krab]
Battle stations, men! Here he comes!
SpongeBob
We're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed!
[walking out of the Krusty Krab] Later.
[The robot continues to march again with Plankton. But then, you notice that the extension cord that is powering the robot is about to be unplugged. The robot stops only foot away from the Krusty Krab]
[SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs emerge from the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs laughed at Plankton's failed attempt and the two walked away.]
[SpongeBob and Patrick are relaxing on Squidward's couch, both looking bored]
SpongeBob
Huh...Patrick?
SpongeBob
Whaddya wanna do today?
SpongeBob
Well, I guess we could play something. [opens a toy chest and rummages through] How about a yo...
SpongeBob
yo. [tosses it aside] Buried treasure board game?
SpongeBob
Dollies?
Hm..... nope. [SpongeBob holds up a ship in a bottle] No. [SpongeBob holds up a paddle ball] Nope. Nope. Uh-uh. No. Nah.
SpongeBob
[holding up Old Man Walker] How about this?
SpongeBob
[tosses Old Man Walker aside, then falls into the chest and re-emerges with action figures] Hey, we could play with our Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures! Ew. Barnacle Boy's all chewed up. And slimy.
[chewing on a Mermaid Man action figure] Yeah, that'll happen.
SpongeBob
[tosses Barnacle Boy aside, wipes his hand, and wades through toys] Ugh, there is just nothing to play with.
There's gotta be something we can do.
[walks out of the shower] Ladda-de ladd-dum ladda-do... Hey! What are you doing in my house?
SpongeBob
Hi, Squidward. Can you think of anything fun we can do?
Well, yeah, we thought of that one.
[pushes SpongeBob, Patrick, and a pile of toys out the door] I believe this pile belongs to you. [throws Old Man Walker out the door]
OMOld Man Walker
Where are we goin' now, boys?
Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.
Oh, my computer wife, Karen.
I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,
I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.
Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,
I built you in the - ehhh... erm...
In the shape of a cube!
Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.
You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!
[Plankton hugs one of Karen's lightbulbs. Karen smiles, Plankton, SpongeBob, and Patrick bow, and the song ends]
[sniffles] That was so beautiful.
I loved it! But not as much as I love you, Plankton.
I l... l... love you, too! [Bikini Bottom citizens, including SpongeBob, rush in and say "Aw."] So, can I have my present now?
Of course, my little overlord. Now loading the Krabby Patty Formula...
SpongeBob
They're such a lovely couple. [sniffs before he suddenly gasps] The Krabby Patty Formula?!
Yes! You porous kitchen utensil! By helping me woo my computer wife, you've just doomed the Krusty Krab! [laughs evilly]
SpongeBob
Oh no! I've got to stop it before it's too late.
SpongeBob
[presses several buttons on a computer keyboard] Control, Alt, Delete.
SpongeBob
[smashes against the computer keyboard] How do you turn this thing off?!
Get your hands off my wife!
SpongeBob
[gasps] The plug. [Plankton gasps] Ha! You lose, Plankton.
[sarcastically] Oh no. You unplugged the coffee maker, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob
[gulps] I am so fired.
Loading Krabby Patty Formula...
Oh, Plankton, you've made me so happy.
That's fantastic. Where's that formula?
[cries happily with tears of joy] I'm crying... What's going on? [starts to spark electric sparks]
Karen, what's wrong? Have you sprung a leak?
No. I'm just so happy! I'm crying with tears of joy!
I'm just--. The Krabby... Patty... Formula... loading... completed...!
SpongeBob
NO!
[The text on the screen blurs and the word "ERROR" appears on the screen]
SpongeBob
YES! I'm saved! Your wife exploded! [puts up his arms with victory; Plankton makes a serious face] Um... happy anniversary, you guys. [scratches his head, shrugs, and leaves]
CVComputer Voice
Rebooting... Loading E.M.I.L.P.
E.M.I.L.P.? What's E.M.I.L.P.?!
CVComputer Voice
Emergency Mother In-Law Program.
[Karen's screen displays an angry-faced mother in law wearing glasses]
EME.M.I.L.P.
Plankton, what have you done to my daughter?! You made her cry! [Plankton groans] You know, she could have been with an ATM! Someone with money! But she chose you! I don't know why!
Today's a big a day for the Krusty Krab, so I want yous to listen up. [pushes the button. It causes a shield to go around the Krusty Krab] It's a perfect opportunity for Plankton to try and steal the Krabby Patty formula. [pulls a lever that looks like a handle on a table]
Isn't that just the Krusty Krab?
No. It's a holographic projection of the Krusty Krab. I want you two to watch all the entrances.
You mean the front door and the back door?
Those are just the ones on the surface. There is an entire network of tunnels and air ducts underground and I want all eyes on the look out!
SpongeBob
Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs. [eyes grow on him, filling his holes]
Right. Study the map, stay extra vigilant. Don't fall asleep on the job. That means you, Squidward.
What?! I have never fallen asleep on duty.
Don't make me have a flashback.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
