Mike Watt quotes from Spaced

Mike

[Thinking] I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andie MacDowell - ohhh...

Mike

I'm off to point the pink pistol at the porcelain firing range.

Mike

Note to self: Shoot first, quip later.

Mike

Right, I'm off for a night of running about in the dark with a gun, so you've got to stay here and be good for your Uncle Michael. [To Colin, while polishing his glasses] Settle down, relax and get comfy, because you my friend... are going nowhere. [Looks down to see that Colin is gone; in a whimpering tone:] Oh, bollocks!

Mike

Wanna go back into your party?

Tim

But they were playing 'The Time Warp'! I hate 'The Time Warp'!

Mike

Daisy likes it.

Tim

I don't care! I hate it! It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls!

Tim

Where are you?

Mike

Uh, Sheffield.

Tim

What are you doing in Sheffield?

Mike

I fell asleep on the tube.

Tim

The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.

Mike

Yeah, I know, I, uh, must have changed at Kings Cross.

Tim

Alright, well don't fall asleep on the way back, ok?

Tim

Mike?

Gosh, this is so exciting!

Mike

This your first time, kid?

I'm thirty-six.

Mike

This your first time, old man?

Yeah. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.

Tim

Yeah, I've always fancied myself.

Mike

I've always fancied you...

Tim

[quickly] Not here!

You've done this before, then?

Mike

You could say that.

What do you mean?

Mike

Well, let's just say the last time I was in this situation, I wasn't using a paintball gun.

[in awe] You've seen combat?

Mike

Yes, yes I have.

Where?

Mike

Umm, on the television!

But you just said the last time you were in this situation you didn't use a paintball gun!

Tim

He didn't.

Well, what did you use?

Mike

Erm, it was a big stick...?

Tim

He's made this personal.

Mike

I thought he made it personal when he slept with your girlfriend.

Tim

Well, he's made it more personal.

Mike

I don't think it gets much more personal than sleeping with your girlfriend, Tim.

Duane

See, Tim, that's the difference between you and I. Organization. Careful thinking. Forward planning. And that is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit. With cheap porn.

Tim

It's not a bedsit. It's a flat. [Shoots Duane in the groin] Yes! [Turns and sees Mike on the ground] No Mike! Mike! Oh Jesus no! [Mike throws up paint out of his mouth] MEDIC!

Mike

Is that you Tim?

Tim

Yeah I'm here, man; just hold on, hold on!

Mike

I'm tired, Tim.

Tim

Just err... everything's going to be fine I promised. [Cries] I'm sorry I said those things, I just... wasn't thinking straight.

Mike

I can say some pretty stupid things myself sometimes.

Tim

No, Mike, I'm the stupid one. I've always been the stupid one. [Mike smiles] What are you laughing at?

Mike

I guess I got to be the hero after all.

Tim

Yeah, I guess you did.

Mike

I've gotta— I've gotta sleep.

Tim

No no, Mike, stay with me.

Mike

So tired, so tired. Goodbye old friend.

Tim

No, Mike! [Mike appears to die from his paintball injuries] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mike

When friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made.

Tim

You mean we kill the dog?

Mike

[whilst nodding] No...

Tim

Spoil sport.

Tim

What you doing playing Army on a Sunday morning, you're missing Grange Hill!

Mike

The T.A is no game Tim!

Tim

It isn't the T.A Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.

Mike

You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in bed."

Tim

Yeah, and you're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in Apocalypse Now."

Tim

That's easy for you to say. What you doing later on?

Mike

It's classified.

Tim

Well, why don't you come round? Look, I'm bored.

Mike

I can't. Combat canoeing. I'm going to do an Eskimo Roll with a two stone rucksack in my bag, along with a loaded rifle.

Tim

They don't have rifles in the Rough Ramblers Mike.

Mike

Hand grenades?

Tim

No!

Mike

Anthrax?

Tim

Mike!

Mike

Listen Tim. I Gotta go. Looks like we're moving out. Roger. Bravo. Tango. Alpha!

Come on, Mike!

Tim

How is she?

Mike

The fibreglass on the outer casing was severely damaged in the incident.

Tim

What happened?

Mike

Showing off Tim, I had 15 rocks in my rucksack, instead of the regulation 5. I knew something was wrong when I got her in the water, she was sitting so low, so low. But I didn't stop Tim, 15 rocks in my rucksack and everyone knew it.

Tim

So what happened when you rolled?

Mike

I lost control of the vessel 2 feet from the shore. When I struggled to right her, I banged it into the jetty, damaging the canoe's carcass.

Mike

The "Ramble" Leader, had to dive in and rescue me from beneath the canoe.

Tim

So it wasn't so much an Eskimo roll, it was more of a case of rolling right Inuit.

Tim

Inuit's another word for Eskimo!

Mike

[Mike sobs] I've been thrown out Tim. The Rough Ramblers don't want me anymore!

Tim

[Tries to comfort Mike] Come on. Come on. Come on.

Mike

(I've gotta) face it Tim, I'm not the big man, not the leader. Noone's ever gonna look up to me. I feel like a failure.

Tim

You're not a failure, Mike, you're not! You're too good for them, they're not ready for you, You're a renegade, you're a soldier of fortune.

Mike

Like the A-Team.

Tim

Yeah, you're like Mr. T. but white and hairy. And I feel sorry for anyone who says you're not.

Mike

I pity the fool.

Tim

I pity the fool.

Mike

[Mr. T voice] I ain't goin' on no plane, sucka!

Tim

[irritable] Stop that.

Mike

I had to dress up as an elderly Israeli woman once.

Tim

Really?

Mike

I didn't have to.

Tim

We should talk.

Mike

Aren't you coming in with me?

Tim

I'm not your dad, Mike! [Hands him a lunch box] Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.

Mike

In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland Paris, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.

TA Officer

Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?

Mike

Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.

TA Officer

Why do you think that was?

Mike

[Shrugs] I dunno.