“Art” · Season 1, Episode 3
In this episode: Tim Bisley (12), Brian Topp (7), Daisy Steiner (5), Vulva (3), Mike Watt (1)
You're up early.
Oh, I haven't been to bed. Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed.
Oh Tim, that's so tacky.
Yeah I know, but y'know they were so nice... I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.
Where's Mike?
[cuts briefly to shot of Mike running around a tree, revving an imaginary motorbike and making engine noises]
[shrugs and mumbles] Dunno.
Abstract expressionism is so mid-to-late eighties.
You know when you said it went well? Well, when you said well, did you mean shite?
Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?
Porn.
Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.
LOOK! Daisy... Daisy, Daisy, Daisy... It's gonna be okay... Now have a big toke on this South-African drugs reefer style splif doobie.
[After practicing introducing himself in a mirror]
Brian. Painter. Loser. Big... fucking loser.
[noticing Brian at the after-show party] Oh Brian, you came!
No, I just spilt my drink.
I can't believe some of the shit I used to do with you!
[On Resident Evil] It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence.
What, like "It's A Knock Out"?
[After Brian has received his party invite]
So are you going to go?
I don't know. I haven't seen her for ages.
No. I mean, are you going to go, now?
Oh, yeah. [He leaves]
Brian's coming up.
Why'd he phone?
I dunno, why'd he paint his arse blue last week?
You don't like him, do you?
No, I do. I just think he's a bit pretentious.
[Brian enters, wearing a very loud waistcoat]
How do you think I look?
Bit pretentious?
Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?
I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.
[Inspired by Tim's punching of Vulva]
Vulva turned me into a monkey! I'm not a monkey! I'm a man! A monkey... man!
So what happened last night then?
Well we went to see an interesting piece of contemporary theatre, drank an enormous amount of free wine, ate our body-weight in Twiglets and you punched an artist in the face.
Shit, I'm not supposed to eat Twiglets.
Why not?
They make me violent.
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