Mike Watt quotes from Spaced

Mike

War.

TA Officer

[Holding the next card] This one?

Mike

Bomb.

TA Officer

[Next card] This one?

Mike

Guts.

Mike

Guns.

Mike

Guts and guns.

Mike

[Happily] Butterfly.

Mike

[Realizes] Butterfly with a bomb.

TA Officer

Finally, Mr Watt, how does this make you feel?

Mike

[Grins happily] Nice.

TA Officer

Welcome back, Mike.

Daisy

It's nice to see you, Mike. What've you been up to?

Mike

I'm through to the quarterfinals of Robot Wars.

Daisy

Wow!

Mike

But I've had to move out of Mum's place.

Daisy

Really?

Mike

Things have been a bit... difficult. She's been very overbearing and I felt suffocated. I've got a lot to offer the world, and my mum's not ready to accept that yet.

Daisy

[impressed] Right.

Mike

And I shot the cat up the arsehole.

Daisy

I'm sorry!

Mike

I'm hit!

Brian

I'M BLIND!

Tim

Buffy...?

Tim

I got me job back.

[Joyfully] Ayyyeee!

Mike

I got me own room.

[Joyfully] Ayyyeee!

Tim

Where's Brian?

Mike

He's standing in the garden with no clothes on.

[Joyfully] Ayyyeee!

Have you thought any more about that rematch, Michael?

Mike

Yes and no.

What does that mean?

Tim

It means 'yes, he's thought about it' and 'no, he doesn't want one'. [To Mike] Doesn't it?

Mike

Yes.

So that's a 'no', is it?

Daisy

This is a very large machine Tim. Take you long?

Tim

No, not really.

Daisy

Hm, fast worker?

Tim

Well why don't you come on back to my flat and we'll find out.

Daisy

I think you've already answered my question [laughs].

Tim

So you like my robot then.

Daisy

I love it. [gasp] What's this?

Tim

It's an axe. Feel the weight.

Daisy

There's nothing more devastating than a big chopper.

Tim

Shhh...[places a finger over Daisy's lips] Don't cheapen this. [moves the hair from her face]

Mike

[suspicious] What's going on?

Tim

Uh, I was just coming - to the pub, with you.

Mike

Yeah, I think we should take the Private down to the shed.

Daisy

Hmm, what's up with Mike?

Tim

Nothing, he just, he usually likes to be Philippa.

Tim

I think we should lose the axe.

Mike

I like the axe.

Tim

I like my face.

Mike

I like your face.

Tim

Let's keep the axe.

Tim

I think I can guess.

Mike

This isn't the work of amateurs, Tim. Private Iron was taken apart by someone who knew what they were doing.

Tim

Right, and what happens now?

Mike

Well, if we can't fix him in time, we're automatically disqualified. Runners-up go through.

Tim

And they are?

Mike

[Gasps, as if realizing] Dexter and Cromwell!

Tim

Right.

Mike

... So who did this?

Tim

They did!

Gentlemen, welcome to Robot Club. The first rule of Robot Club is, you do not talk about about Robot Club. The second rule of Robot Club is, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT Ro… wait, I… got that wrong. [Unfolding a crumpled up piece of paper and pushing up his glasses] The second rule is, no smoking.

Tim

Why aren't we allowed to smoke?

Mike

We're not allowed to talk about it.

Daisy

[To Mike working out with Marsha] Tim wants you.

Mike

Does he want me or need me?

Daisy

Needs you.

Mike

Ok then.

Tim

You ready, Mike?

Mike

I was born ready, Timmy.

Tim

Yeah, but are you ready now?

Mike

Ummm... yeah.

Tim

How are you, Sophie?

Fine thanks.

Tim

[Playing it cool] Good. Forgot you worked here.

Really? [Places down another, extremely flattering, portrait of Sophie, surrounded by a love heart]

Mike

[Via walkie-talkie] Tim! That girl you fancy's coming into the office!

Tim

[Into walkie-talkie, sheepishly] Thanks, Mike.

Are we happy?

Tim

Are we happy.

Excellent. Mine's a pint of the black stuff.

Mike

(scoffs) You can't drink a pint of Bovril.

Daisy

Colin's gone.

Tim

What?

Daisy

He went next door.

Tim

Oh, Daisy, I'm so sorry. How did it happen?

Daisy

[Bemused]... He walked.

Tim

Right, right, sorry. See, my mum used to use "going next door" as a euphemism for being dead.

Mike

Whoa, hold on, does that mean my rabbit's dead?

Tim

It's been eighteen years, Mike, where did you think he was?

Mike

[whimpers] Next door!