TV show quotes
Characters
Tim BisleySimon Pegg · 71 quotes
Daisy SteinerJessica Hynes · 33 quotes
Mike WattNick Frost · 30 quotes
Brian ToppMark Heap · 18 quotes
Duane BenziePeter Serafinowicz · 6 quotes
BilboBill Bailey · 5 quotes
TA OfficerSimon Kunz · 3 quotes
TTwistKaty Carmichael · 3 quotes
VulvaDavid Walliams · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Tim Bisley & Daisy Steiner (26), Tim Bisley & Mike Watt (21), Tim Bisley & Brian Topp (12)
You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders, who will immobilize human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.
I never said that.
Yeah, but it'd be good though, wouldn't it?
[shrugs] I dunno.
[To his ex-girlfriend Sarah]
You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of my face whilst riding some other... donkey.
Do you want another cup of tea?
Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.
What do you do, Brian?
I'm an artist.
[Looking up from what he was doing] I'm an artist.
Oh, what kind of thing do you do?
Anger.
[Shot of Brian attacking the canvas furiously]
Pain.
[Shot of Brian pricking his finger with a needle and whimpering]
Fear.
[Shot of Brian cowering in the dark as creepy music plays]
Aggression.
[Shot of Brian violently smashing an egg with a hammer]
Watercolours?
It's a bit more complex than that.
Tim does cartoons.
It's a bit more complex than that.
[being dumped] I don't understand, just... eergh... give me a reason! You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can be emotional! Jesus I cried like child at the end of Terminator 2... You know, with the thumb, and the molten...
Do you rent downstairs?
D'you mean am I gay?
What?
D'you mean am I gay?
No, I meant "are you renting the downstairs flat?"
Oh, right. Yep, sort of.
Are you?
What?
Are you gay?
[Thoughtfully] No?
Wanna go back into your party?
But they were playing 'The Time Warp'! I hate 'The Time Warp'!
Daisy likes it.
I don't care! I hate it! It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls!
What is this? This is rubbish! We should be listening to firm young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass! God I sound so stupid!
I'm busy Tim, painting a triptych.
Oh yeah what's it called?
Bad sandwich.
Really?
Yes.
Mmm.
It's a piece about violence in its immediacy, the instancy of the event. A synchronic rendering of three explosive, aggressive, expressions...
There'll be girls at the party.
Really?
Yes.
Mmmmm...
You're up early.
Oh, I haven't been to bed. Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed.
Oh Tim, that's so tacky.
Yeah I know, but y'know they were so nice... I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.
Where's Mike?
[cuts briefly to shot of Mike running around a tree, revving an imaginary motorbike and making engine noises]
[shrugs and mumbles] Dunno.
Abstract expressionism is so mid-to-late eighties.
You know when you said it went well? Well, when you said well, did you mean shite?
Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?
Porn.
Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.
LOOK! Daisy... Daisy, Daisy, Daisy... It's gonna be okay... Now have a big toke on this South-African drugs reefer style splif doobie.
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