Brian Topp quotes from Spaced

Brian

Brian. Painter. Loser. Big... fucking loser.

Brian

Vulva turned me into a monkey! I'm not a monkey! I'm a man! A monkey... man!

Daisy

What do you do, Brian?

Brian

I'm an artist.

Tim

[Looking up from what he was doing] I'm an artist.

Daisy

Oh, what kind of thing do you do?

Brian

Anger.

Brian

Pain.

Brian

Fear.

Brian

Aggression.

Daisy

Watercolours?

Brian

It's a bit more complex than that.

Daisy

Tim does cartoons.

Tim

It's a bit more complex than that.

Daisy

Do you rent downstairs?

Brian

D'you mean am I gay?

Daisy

What?

Brian

D'you mean am I gay?

Daisy

No, I meant "are you renting the downstairs flat?"

Brian

Oh, right. Yep, sort of.

Tim

Are you?

Brian

What?

Tim

Are you gay?

Brian

[Thoughtfully] No?

Brian

I'm busy Tim, painting a triptych.

Tim

Oh yeah what's it called?

Brian

Bad sandwich.

Tim

Really?

Brian

Yes.

Tim

Mmm.

Brian

It's a piece about violence in its immediacy, the instancy of the event. A synchronic rendering of three explosive, aggressive, expressions...

Tim

There'll be girls at the party.

Brian

Really?

Tim

Yes.

Brian

Mmmmm...

Vulva

[noticing Brian at the after-show party] Oh Brian, you came!

Brian

No, I just spilt my drink.

Tim

[On Resident Evil] It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence.

Brian

What, like "It's A Knock Out"?

Tim

So are you going to go?

Brian

I don't know. I haven't seen her for ages.

Tim

No. I mean, are you going to go, now?

Brian

Oh, yeah. [He leaves]

Tim

Brian's coming up.

Daisy

Why'd he phone?

Tim

I dunno, why'd he paint his arse blue last week?

Daisy

You don't like him, do you?

Tim

No, I do. I just think he's a bit pretentious.

Brian

How do you think I look?

Tim

Bit pretentious?

Brian

Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?

Tim

I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.

Brian

Can I borrow a tea-bag?

Tim

[sarcastically] Only if you bring it back. [pauses] You can HAVE a tea-bag, Brian, you can't borrow one.

Brian

What are you playing?

Tim

Tomb Raider 3.

Brian

She's drowning.

Tim

Yeah.

Brian

Is that the point of the game?

Tim

Depends what mood you're in really.

Brian

What sort of mood are you in then?

Tim

Well, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning, 3 months too late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of 'you'll always be special' and 'I'll always love you' platitudes designed to make me feel better whilst simultaneously appeasing her deep seated sense of guilt for dumping me, running off with a slimy little city boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything which is good and pure.

Brian

So it didn't really work then.

Tim

No, it made me wanna drown things! [turns around, sees Brian dressed as a painting] You've got paint on you.

Brian

It's a literal tribute to the self reflexivity of Rembrandt.

Tim

Did he like it?

Brian

He's dead.

Tim

Bloody hell, that really backfired.

Brian

So where is he then? The little dog? [Daisy squeaks and points at Brian] The headband, isn't it? Makes me look stupid?

Daisy

[whimpering] Colin...!

Brian

...No, Daisy, it's me, Brian...

Daisy

I think you're sitting on my dog....

Tim

You know, Brian, everything that happened in those movies can be attributed to the actions of one man.

Brian

Who?

Tim

The gunner on the Star Destroyer in the first film.

Brian

What d'you mean?

Tim

[chuckles in a knowing way] Well, if he'd shot the pod with R2 and 3PO in, they wouldn't have made it to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have saved Princess Leia, none of it would have happened.

Brian

Chaos theory...

Tim

Eh?

Brian

The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it—past, present, future—is in fact a mathematically predictable preordained system.

Daisy

So somewhere out there in the vastness of the unknown is an... equation... for predicting the future?

Brian

An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.

Tim

[In dawning realization] Oh my god...

Brian

What?

Daisy

What?

Tim

I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket. [They all cheer; Tim sings] "Oh Mummy, oh Daddy, let's all play kabaddi."

Tim

We're going to a club later on, do you wanna come out?

Brian

(through the door) Don't go to clubs.

Tim

Come on, Brian, what d'you mean you don't go to clubs?

Brian

[peeks out] I'm working, Tim. Working. D'you understand.

Tim

No...

Brian

Trying to....avoid...cliches...by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.

Tim

Right...

Brian

I'm using my penis.

Tim

Finally.

Brian

D'you want to see?

Tim

No, just about to have my tea...

Daisy Steiner?

Brian

Yes...

Are you Daisy Steiner?

Brian

No...

Do you know where she is?

Brian

...No.

Do you know where she is?

Brian

Why?

Miss Steiner is under suspicion of bringing a bag containing sensitive materials into the country.

Brian

Sensitive...

Can you tell us where she is, Mr. Topp?

Brian

...How d'you know my name?

It's written on the doorbell.

Brian

...Oh yeah.

Where is she, Brian?

Brian

Brian isn't on the door bell...