“Ends” · Season 1, Episode 7
In this episode: Tim Bisley (5), Mike Watt (5), Daisy Steiner (4), TA Officer (3)
[About the possibility of getting back with his old girlfriend]
This is something that I've always wanted! You have things you want, you're always going on about going to Asia and seeing the Taj Mahal.
I do want to go to Asia! I do want to see the Taj Mahal! The difference is, the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with its boss behind my back and break my heart!
Yeah, well... it might if you go to Asia!
[Dropping Mike off for his interview with the Territorial Army]
Aren't you coming in with me?
I'm not your dad, Mike! [Hands him a lunch box] Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.
[Before his meeting with the TA officials]
[Thinking] I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andie MacDowell - ohhh...
In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland Paris, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.
Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?
Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.
Why do you think that was?
[Shrugs] I dunno.
[Mike is undertaking a Rorschach ink test; the first card is very obviously a couple making love]
War.
[Holding the next card] This one?
Bomb.
[Next card] This one?
Guts.
[Next card]
Guns.
[Next card]
Guts and guns.
[Next card]
[Happily] Butterfly.
[The TA Officer frowns]
[Realizes] Butterfly with a bomb.
Finally, Mr Watt, how does this make you feel?
[He throws Mike an sheathed military knife; Mike expertly grabs and unsheaths it]
[Grins happily] Nice.
Welcome back, Mike.
[About ending his relationship with Sarah]
I just had a moment of clarity, you know, I woke up. It's like... you know when you have an orgasm on your own? [Daisy looks increasingly disgusted and uncertain during the following:] You know, you're sort of lying on the sofa watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken lonely night in Soho, and you're lying there and everything's going really great, you're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images, everything seems so right, and suddenly - phht! Bingo! You wake up. And you're lying there sweating, desperately looking for the tissue which you know is still in your pocket, and the remote control which is somewhere on the floor, and it's like walking in on yourself, you know? It's just like "What're you doing?" That's how I felt tonight feeling my heart miss a beat everytime the door opened. "What the fuck are you doing?"
Well, that's... love, isn't it? Load of old wank.
Life just isn't like the movies is it? We're constantly led to believe in resolution in the establishment of the ideal status quo, and it's just not true. Happy endings are a myth. Designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just a thankless struggle.
[The pub band starts playing 'Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby?']
Do you wanna dance?
You know what? I think I do.
[They dance happily]
[About getting back with Sarah]
What do you mean, you have a "funny feeling"?
I can read her like a book.
Never judge a book by its cover.
He who dares, wins.
Look before you leap.
Do you believe in life after love?
That's a song.
...shit.
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