Daisy Steiner quotes from Spaced

Daisy

What are we going to do? You're unemployed. I've got no money coming in. How am I going to afford aspirational magazines?!

Tim

You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders, who will immobilize human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.

Daisy

I never said that.

Tim

Yeah, but it'd be good though, wouldn't it?

Daisy

[shrugs] I dunno.

Daisy

Do you want another cup of tea?

Tim

Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.

Daisy

What do you do, Brian?

Brian

I'm an artist.

Tim

[Looking up from what he was doing] I'm an artist.

Daisy

Oh, what kind of thing do you do?

Brian

Anger.

Brian

Pain.

Brian

Fear.

Brian

Aggression.

Daisy

Watercolours?

Brian

It's a bit more complex than that.

Daisy

Tim does cartoons.

Tim

It's a bit more complex than that.

Daisy

Do you rent downstairs?

Brian

D'you mean am I gay?

Daisy

What?

Brian

D'you mean am I gay?

Daisy

No, I meant "are you renting the downstairs flat?"

Brian

Oh, right. Yep, sort of.

Tim

Are you?

Brian

What?

Tim

Are you gay?

Brian

[Thoughtfully] No?

Daisy

You're up early.

Tim

Oh, I haven't been to bed. Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed.

Daisy

Oh Tim, that's so tacky.

Tim

Yeah I know, but y'know they were so nice... I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.

Daisy

Where's Mike?

Tim

[shrugs and mumbles] Dunno.

Daisy

Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?

Tim

Porn.

Daisy

Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.

Tim

I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.

Tim

Brian's coming up.

Daisy

Why'd he phone?

Tim

I dunno, why'd he paint his arse blue last week?

Daisy

You don't like him, do you?

Tim

No, I do. I just think he's a bit pretentious.

Brian

How do you think I look?

Tim

Bit pretentious?

Tim

So what happened last night then?

Daisy

Well we went to see an interesting piece of contemporary theatre, drank an enormous amount of free wine, ate our body-weight in Twiglets and you punched an artist in the face.

Tim

Shit, I'm not supposed to eat Twiglets.

Daisy

Why not?

Tim

They make me violent.

Daisy

You're so damaged; just because Sarah hurt you, you feel justified in wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind.

Tim

Yes... yes... and I'd do it again, I tell you, I'd do it again in an instant! [Laughs manically then jumps out of the window]

Daisy

C'mon, Colin! We're taking you away from this place.

Colin?

Daisy

That's what I called my box.

Brian

So where is he then? The little dog? [Daisy squeaks and points at Brian] The headband, isn't it? Makes me look stupid?

Daisy

[whimpering] Colin...!

Brian

...No, Daisy, it's me, Brian...

Daisy

I think you're sitting on my dog....

Daisy

In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know? And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...

Tim

Pilchards.

Daisy

Banana and...

Bilbo

Acorns.

Daisy

Acorns. And then as quickly as the desire comes, it just goes. And then you put the toasted sandwich maker away. And, you know what?

Tim

What?

Daisy

You don't miss it.

Bilbo

So what you're saying is 'Don't hide the toasted sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him.'

Tim

No, she's saying 'Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich.'

Daisy

How can you not like him? He's so cute. Aw...

Tim

Yeah, that's how it all starts, with oohs and ahs, but later there's barking and biting! He's a ticking timebomb of death, Daisy. You give him all the love in the world and spend years of your life doting on his little furry head, and then one day you get back from aerobics and there he is, panting over the half eaten remains of some hapless handyman you left fixing the tumble dryer.

Daisy

We don't have a tumble dryer.

Tim

You will, my friend. You will.

Daisy

Look, Tim, I know that I've been insensitive, and I do appreciate that you are riddled with deep seated psychological disorders—

Tim

Thank you.