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SEASON 1

Shameless · Season 1

Shameless Season 1 quotes

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S1 E15Unfinished Business

[Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana are at an upscale restaurant of a high-end hotel]

Wow. This fucking place, huh?

I found it on Belarusian whore website. More billionaires stay here than any other hotel in Chicago.

What are you doing?

Comparing my skills to those of Freelania. These are my skills on this napkin, and these are hers.

There's nothing on that napkin.

Hmm, precisely. She is sub-mental. Not as attractive, not as charming. Look at my ass. It's perfect. I would fuck my own ass. She has flat ass of Filipino boy.

[Kevin and Veronica open their menus]

$28 for a vodka tonic?

$18 for a beer. You'd have to be a billionaire to catch a buzz.

I can't believe that you lived down here. It's like freakin' Mad Max.

Yeah, I remember this one time, a guy tried to steal Ian's coat. We beat him with a can of tuna wrapped in a tube sock.

That's so hot.

Think it's over here.

Oh, my God, you lived there?

Yeah.

I have to see it. [Runs into a modified cargo crate and she trips over a man's body]

Hey! You okay?! Oh, hey, man. Sorry, didn't realize someone was sleeping here. Hello?

Is he dead? Is that a dead body?

Hey, come on, let's just get out of here.

I've gotta Snapchat this.

Uh, it's just a dead guy. Let's go.

Roll him over. [Carl complies]

What?

So I can see the face of death.

Oh, Kassidi, come on.

Carl, roll him over. [Lies down and takes a selfie with the cadaver] I'm gonna story the shit out of this.

Hi. I'm retiring. I'd like to start receiving my Social Security benefits.

CSCivil servant 1

Hmm. I'm sorry, Mr. Wessels. It says here you're already collecting your benefit.

What? How can that be? Are you suggesting someone has stolen my identity, committing fraud?

CSCivil servant 1

It's a possibility, yes.

Oh, my God.

...

I'm number nine. Sorry. I was in the bathroom. Prostate, you know. Size of a basketball. Hi. I'd like to start my benefits.

CSCivil servant 2

Um... Mr. Ramirez? It says here you're dead.

...

Uh, I'm-I'm number nine.

CSCivil servant 3

Hi.

Can you... tell me what my benefits would be if I were to retire right now?

CSCivil servant 3

Of course. Um, Mr. Gallagher, it says here you only worked six weeks your entire life.

Well... if you mean a "formal job", yes, but I... I've had various enterprises that contributed significantly to the economy.

CSCivil servant 3

Mm-hmm. Well, as it stands, this will be your monthly benefit.

Three dollars and 42 cents? Gee. That's not a lot, is it?

CSCivil servant 3

Sorry.

A guy works his whole life.

PPhysician

How's the pain?

It's starting to hurt a little.

PPhysician

The trauma doc was inclined to amputate, which may have been warranted. All three toes are severely damaged, crushed, for lack of a better word. There's not enough blood circulating to ensure they won't go necrotic.

W-what does that mean?

PPhysician

Die. And if your toes die, then you're talking gangrene, and next thing you know, you lose your leg.

But you can fix 'em, right?

PPhysician

Surgery's only part of the process. You'll be off your feet for months, and then at least year of physical therapy.

A year? I-I can't... Well, what would the surgery cost?

PPhysician

It'll run you at least $50,000.

Holy shit. For three toes? W-what happens if I can't afford the surgery? I just die?

PPhysician

No. We remove the toes, and then you're back on your feet in a couple of days. Costs $6,000, $7,000. You'll be a little wobbly at first. Need a special shoe. Let me know what you decide.

Well, why is it so important for you to know what it's like to live on the street?

'Cause you grew up free. I grew up trapped in an 8,000-square-foot suburban prison. Cable fucking TV, cheerleading camp, cross country, and Mom always ragging on me to study. And for what? So I could end up like them? I mean, they're miserable. Please.

Well, this is it. This is where my first shop was.

Selling crack? That is so cool.

DDealer

Yo, you gotta buy or walk. This is my corner.

I used to work this corner. Where's G-Dog?

DDealer

That's his brains right there... [Points to blood puddle stain on road] that dark spot. [Speeding vehicle heads towards them] Damn!

DDealer

Shooter! Down! Get down! [Carl and Kassidi hide behind parked vehicle while the gunman from vehicle opens fire and drive away]

Oh, my God! They shot at us! This is epic!

So you let them stay in your apartment?

Well, yeah.

You shouldn't have done that.

Why?

Because that's an admission of responsibility.

But I- I didn't do anything wrong.

Your contractor had no insurance. You only have a half a million in liability.

S- so what's the worst case?

You lose in court and your insurance pays out 500,000. That leaves you owing 5.5 million. Other assets? Well, you sell your building. You got about 50 grand in equity there. And, uh... and your family home is worth, um, I don't know, maybe 62? So that leaves you only owing this Rodney asshole $5,388,000... forever. The jury's gonna take one look at that man and his starving family and the slumlord bitch that ruined their lives by hiring an unlicensed contractor, and you're gonna be lucky if they don't put you in jail.

He spoils me, but I deserve it. He likes his little penis rubbed, and honestly, all he really cares about are my feet. He can't stop buying me shoes. Such a simple man. Oh. Vera made this for me. Mazel tov. I must admit, the greater part of the joy I feel is knowing how devastated you must be.

Humiliated.

I had imagined you humbled like this so many times. I was worried it would be anticlimactic. It's not.

Freelania... you have everything we have ever dreamed of. After all the tubs of hand lotion and stained sheets, thousands of Handi Wipes,

I am truly humbled by your success, so I ask you to pity me and tell me how. How did you make this all happen?

You mean how did these shoes happen?

Yes.

How did this Gaultier gown, which I have never worn, happen?

Uh-huh.

[Hocks a loogie on the gown] I would give it to you now that it's soiled, but... you're too fat to fit into it, so I will throw it away instead. Svetlana Yevgenivna, you were born a whore. You will die a whore. [Brings out phone] Mm. My caterer. Excuse me. Alain... Bonjour, mon amour.

Ublyudok.

RRupert

[Appears in room] Hello, hello. Hello, sweetie. Don't you look lovely... today? I'm headed for the club. Don't forget dinner at The Grill. [Kisses her hand] I wanna show off my beautiful bride-to-be. [Walks away] Hmm. Toodle-oo. I'm going up the chimney.

[Her face lights up in epiphany]

I have investigated every possible retirement scenario, and they all lead to homelessness, hunger, despair, and decrepitude.

How's that any different than how you live right now, Frank?

It's as if we think the elderly are irrelevant, disposable. My own children have said they won't care for me in old age. What does tell you about the decline of Western civilization?

That you didn't raise any fools.

I believe that Alzheimer's is an evolutionary advantage that we've developed so we won't have to be aware of the depth of misery we face in our dotage. And yet... here I am... as loose as the day I was born.

Retirement is for rich people. My old man was at GM for 40 years. Six months short of retirement, the pension fund went tits up. Forty years and dick to show for it. But he got lucky.

How's that?

Well, he died on the line. Keeled over into the stamping machine. Got pressed into a rear fender for a Buick Skylark. Never even stopped the line.

How's that lucky?

Well, he didn't have to worry about retiring.

You can't be living on the street. It's dangerous.

BBlake

I can't go home. When I came out, they lost it.

He says that they're okay with you being gay.

BBlake

That's bullshit. They put me into therapy, three days a week. Started going to a church where this asshole was always talking about sodomy and God's will. They wanna lock me up with other kids whose parents don't wanna deal with who their kids really are.

He says your therapist thinks you may be mentally ill.

BBlake

They put me on these drugs, knocked me on my ass. I couldn't even get out of bed. I couldn't get an erection. That's what they really want, so that I can't have sex with another boy, you know? Ever.

Well... you can't stay here. We have to find someplace where you can be safe, where you can be yourself.

BBlake

So you'll help me?

TSTrina's daughter

[Fiona has snatched the dog after Ford cut a hole in the hole] Mom, that lady's stealing Sparkles!

[After cutting off the necrotic toes of a fainted Debbie on the kitchen table with a garden trimmer and cauterizing her toe stubs] Smells like steak.

I met your friend Dylan's dad.

You tell him I can go on the yacht vacation with them tomorrow?

I looked the man up. He makes nothing. He creates nothing. He buys businesses, tears them apart, sells the pieces, and then discards the employees like trash. He's a legal thief.

[Serves him waffles] Here you are, Liam.

Thank you so much. He wants the companies to fail. The world's not just, Liam. No one's gonna take care of us in our old age. We have a moral duty to rip this asshole off. You know how to take photos with this?

What is keeping Carl? His bacon's getting cold.

What's with the boot?

I cauterized the stumps. They were still bleeding, so I went to the ER.

Waste of money. Cauterization has been used since the Egyptians were building pyramids.

Are those waffles? Yum.

So can I go on the cruise with Dylan's family or not?

Well... are we partners?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

I'm very proud to be your partner.

And your job, partner, is to go to the Caribbean and have a great time. After you get the code.

The code?

To turn off the alarm. And pics of their valuables and of the security system. One more big score, I can retire in style.

Carl! You motherfucker!

What the hell was that?

Marital bliss.

So now what?

Well, I steal her wedding dress, I take her place at wedding and marry rich old man with saggy diaper.

You don't think he's gonna notice the difference?

He thought I was her. He is weak in the head.

What about the wedding guests?

I wear a veil. No one will see.

[A phone rings and Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana all check their phones to realize it's Freelania's]

Kev.

What?

Get her phone.

You get her phone.

I get it. Hold machete. She tries anything, you cut her face, okay?

[Grabs Svetlana's wrist and pulls her back] No way. I'm not slashing her face if she tries to make a run for it. [Pulls phone out of Freelania's pocket and checks it] "Zlata"?

Shit. Her mother is coming to the wedding.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's gonna know Svetlana isn't her daughter, right?

[Svetlana takes out cloth from Freelania's mouth and she threatens in Russian] She will rip out your lungs and eat them. [Svetlana restuffs Freelania's mouth]

You yell one more time, I will shave your head, I will cut off your nipples, and I will sell you to the Mexican cartel for big fun, okay? When is Zlata coming?

Today. I am supposed to pick her up at airport. And I need to pee.

Get a bowl.

What?

Use it for her to pee.

Through her pants?

Take the pants off! Get a bowl.

You know her mother?

Zlata. Scary old Soviet. Survived Stalingrad as a young girl by eating human flesh.

She was a cannibal?

Hey, Fiona.

Hey. Just back for a shower and a quick change of clothes. Jesus. What happened to your toes?

Frank cut 'em off.

He what?!

It's no big deal. I asked him to. You get rid of the squatters yet?

No. Ford and Nessa are watching the building while I go to a lawyer thing.

Burn 'em out. It's the oldest trick in the slumlord's handbook, arson. You set a good blaze, they got two choices, run out of the building screaming or burn to death, and you get to the collect the insurance. Has anyone seen my other boot?

I'm not gonna burn my building down, Frank.

Why not? Being a landlord sucks. Tenants who won't pay their rent, toilets clogged with... massive after Thanksgiving turds... there it is. You need to get in touch with Pyro Paulie.

Who?

Paulie Paterniski. Best firebug on the South Side. I think he works at the Handy Mart now. Don't let his looks scare you. He had a trigger fuse on a bucket of jet fuel go sideways on him. The doctors used skin from his ass to rebuild his face. Ah... Fucking A, this one's to the workingman...

Well. I spoke to the Latham's attorney. That guy is a real piece of work. I think your roofer found his name on the back of a bus bench. But they are prepared to settle.

Really?

For $3 million. They offered to remove you from the suit and pursue litigation solely with your insurance company if you're prepared to make a few concessions.

Like what?

Sign the title of the building over to them.

You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.

And they want... "Sparkles." They want Sparkles back.

My dog, Rusty? They want my fucking dog?

They said their kids got very attached and they're, quote, "crying themselves to sleep," endquote, ever since you stole him.

I stole him? They stole him from me! They're motherfuckers! Tell them to get their own goddamn dog.

There's another option. You sell the building... now, before it goes to trial... And spend the money. Go to Vegas. Take a trip around the world. And then just declare bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy?!

Yeah. It's better than letting them take everything you own.

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