So, yeah, Matty and I spent the whole night like that, spooning.
You see Billy Fergus? Ellie said he's here.
It was really sweet. He made me breakfast.
Wake me up when you get to the good part. You clean out your cabbage patch with Purell afterwards?
It keeps you from getting knocked up. Gets the little swimmers so drunk, they can't find the egg.
Um... No. Well, sex, we didn't have it. Matt said that we should...
SSSam/Seth
I got your frappucino, Holly.
It better be caramel. Okay, go.
Sam? Seth? Who cares? I tell him what to do, he does it.
He thinks I'll maybe give him a quickie in the bathroom. He's lucky I let him be seen near me. There's Billy. How do I look?
Wait, Holly. Is it bad that Matty said it wasn't the right time?
He said that? "It's not the right time"?
I don't know. I've never had a guy say that.
Fucking candy striper giving a look like I'm a fucking degenerate. Egyptian royals, Incas, King Arthur, they all kept it in the family. We probably still would if Oedipus hadn't ruined it for all of us. So fine, cast the first stone. But let me ask you. If we all came from just Adam and Eve in the beginning, well, you do the math.
Frank, can you please keep the nonsense rambling down to a minimum? Some of us have problems that we're trying to figure out.
It's 50 grand a year for four years of frat parties, you know, intellectual circle jerks, speed reading 300-year-old novels that'll be forgotten the second the test is over, all because, you know, we're told we can't succeed in the world without a piece of paper. You know, and it's bullshit. Bill Gates dropped out. Steve Jobs.
That's that center for the Blackhawks?
Yeah, you know, it just all one big collegiate scam.
I'm glad that place didn't turn you into an elitist prick.
No, still a Southside prick like all the rest of you.
[Enters Alibi Room] Jesus Christ, Russian whores know how to run their mouths when there ain't some dude's junk jammed in there. [To Lip] Weren't you supposed to be at college or some shit?
Nope, packing up my Kant and Milton Friedman. I'm done with all that crap.
...
You were joking, right, about not going back to college?
I was hoping you were blowing off some steam.
Well, the truth is, it's not only up to me. My grades suck. But the only reason I'm going back there is to pack my shit and split.
I'll figure it out. [Kevin scoffs] What?
You heard me. Tough it out, man. What are you, a pussy? It's like I said. It's not only up to me. You're resourceful. You'll figure it out.
Look, Kev, this is the first good day I've had since I left for that shithole.
Lip, do you want to end up like me? Clawing for every penny, praying that you can figure out some way to support your family? Because that's what I'm going through. I got bills up to my ass and let me tell you something. It fucking sucks. Well, you're resourceful. You'll figure it out.
All right. College is a racket, huh?
Well, guess what? There's no one better at beating the system than you. Hell, man, you got them to give you four fucking years for free. Why don't you get your damn diploma, spit in their faces and have a fucking future?
Kev, I am trying to drink my beer, enjoy being back home.
This isn't your home. It's where you grew up. It's not where you're supposed to be.
And what, now you're the arbiter on where everybody's supposed to be?
Yeah, maybe, if I knew what arbiter meant.
I'm getting pretty damn tired of everybody telling me where I should be and what I should be doing.
Then stop making them have to! Grow the fuck up!
Um... Thanks for the beers, Kev.
Why'd you go over there in the first place?
To tell him to knock it off.
Please, you wanted a hit, you little smack head.
Really? Did you get that little tingle when you stepped up to his front door?
Maybe. What do you want me to say, that I'm self-destructive? That liars and thieves and addicts turn me on? That I don't know how to do a normal relationship?
The worst part is I keep checking my phone to see if he's texted. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me?
[Glances at medical supply cabinet] Who the hell broke into my pills?
Um... good news and bad news.
I sent Chuckie to the neighbor's so we can be alone tonight.
Great. Uh, what's the bad?
The transplant lady said my white blood cells attacked yours.
Why the fuck did they do that?
Oh, I don't know. I'm so sorry.
Sorry? What the hell does...? Good does that do me? I need a liver, not a goddamn apology.
Do you know what I've been through? I shattered my leg in six places. I stopped drinking.
I know you're disappointed...
Just one small piece of liver, that's all I need. But no. Thank you, God. Thank you for the cosmic fuck you. Even my own daughter isn't a match.
Anything else you wanna throw at me? How about a flesh-eating virus, huh? Wanna toss that in?
No. Oh, fuck it. What's the use? Hate me now, hate me later, you all hate me eventually. And for what? What did I ever do to you?
You're my dad? I almost put you in my mouth.
I didn't ask you to do that.
You dry-humped my thigh for half an hour yesterday.
Dry-humping is not incest! [realizes mistake] Shit.
What are you yelling about?! I'm the one not getting a liver!
[Ferociously screams] GET... OUT! [She throws him out of her trailer]
[Recap flashbacks of the cold open]
You let some dude finger you last night on the El?
You make it sound so filthy. And he's not just any dude.
No, he's your boyfriend's brother!
...
Get on. [Carl jumps on Frank's leg, he exclaims and then goes back to sleep]
[Fiona drives to meet Robbie at a motel]
RRobbie
You're wondering why I picked this corner?
I'm really not. Well, it's 'cause-- You call me when I'm with Mike. Text me when I'm with Mike. How about we just cut out the middleman, which is me, and you can fuck your brother?
RRobbie
I'm bringing you there.
No. You're going on with your life, I'm--
RRobbie
Oh, this motel? It's classy. Rooms by the hour. That's why it's fun.
You know how last time when I told you to stop texting me and it turned into sex? This isn't that. I don't know why it took me this long to start hating myself, but I got there. It's a shitty feeling. I'm not punishing you or blaming you. I just really need this to end.
[Lip is in a public washroom stall when two Army MPs approach]
AMArmy MP
Phillip Gallagher?
AMArmy MP
Fort Dearborn Military Police. Can you step out of the stall please?
You know, I'm gonna be busy for a while, but you can join me if you want to wipe my ass.
[Army MPs grab the washroom stall and force it open and drag out Lip]
Wait, what the fuck, man? Hey, hey!
AMArmy MP
Sergeant, wait! You're Phillip Gallagher?
Jesus, what the hell's going on? Or do you get off on watching guys taking a dump?
AMArmy MP
[Holds up card] Is that your social security number?
Blow me. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck.
AMArmy MP
[Holds up Ian's photo] Do you know this man?
No, I've never seen him before in my life.
AMArmy MP
Any idea how he got a hold of your name and social security number?
No, but it's pretty scary, you know? I'm feeling pretty fucking violated over here. What's he, uh, what's he wanted for?
AMArmy MP
For impersonating you, apparently. Also for attempted theft of government property and being away without leave.
Wow, no shit. What did he try and steal?
AMArmy MP comrade
Helicopter. Surface-to-air missile. Army issue boxer bris.
AMArmy MP
Sergeant! Mr. Gallagher, we may need you to testify. We'll be in touch.
Well, at ease, gentlemen. I've always wanted to say that.
...
Hey, um, you guys heard anything from Ian?
Not for weeks. And Fiona doesn't even care.
What about the US army. You hear anything from them?
[Flashback of Carl answering Army MPs at the front door]
AMArmy MP
We're looking for Phillip Gallagher.
...
No, he used my name and social when he signed up, and then he tried to steal a helicopter and a bunch of other shit. Went AWOL.
[Robbie opens apartment door and is punched in the face by Fiona]
Tell me what you told Mike!
RRobbie
The truth! He needed to know. [Fiona kicks him in the crotch] Oh!
Oh, that was for his sake? How generous.
RRobbie
I did you a favor, okay?
RRobbie
You don't want to be with him.
You don't know shit about me. [Spits in his face and walks out]
[Mandy opens her bedroom door to find a Russian prostitute with her boyfriend Kenyatta]
You've got to be kidding me! [Smashing glass is heard with all the Russian women and Mickey at alert]
[Runs out of room nude and down hall] Ah!
Uh, 'scuse, hey, you mind not swinging that shit around?! You're gonna fuckin' hurt someone!
[Comes up to Mickey's face pointing a hammer in his face] This is your fault!
I'm practically tripping over these bitches. I want them gone, now! I was gone ten fucking minutes!
Hey, what the hell are you doing here?
No. It's Kenyatta's perfume soap shit.
You use another dude's soap?
Yes, it does. What guy doesn't have pubes on his soap?
My soap doesn't have pubes on it.
Well, obviously, you're not washing your pubes.
You came all the way down here to talk about my pubes?
You run a bar on the South Side. How the fuck do you not have a gun?
All right, listen up. Bar got robbed this morning.
BPBar patron
Yeah? What'd they take? The cocktail napkins? [bar laughs]
$600, for your information. So who stole it? I give up. Who? No, not who stole it, like, guess who stole it. Who stole it like which one of you f****** stole my money?
BPBar patron
Why do you think we stole your money?
Because you knew where I hid it.
BPBar patrons
Ooh. We do now.
I said, [holds up a revolver] who stole my money.
[All the guns of the bar patrons are held out and cocked]
What, everyone has a gun?
Bible says we have the right to bear arms.
Where'd you get all this stuff?
Thanks. [Clears throat] So, I had my prelim hearing.
Yeah. My lawyer's gonna try to get me probation if I plead guilty.
Might have to serve a little time though.
All right. I suppose we'll manage.
Why would you want to do that?
Because you'll get convicted.
You don't think I know that? You don't think I'm blaming myself enough already so I need you to do it too? [Sighs]
So how long are you in prison if, ah, if you lose?
So that makes me almost 25, still at home, taking care of the kids.
Ghetto chick leaves her drսg addict boyfriend's coke out for her three-year-old brother to eat. Half a gram in the system. Yeah, you're right. You can totally win.
I didn't do it on purpose.
[Sighs] (again) I turned my back, for, like, two seconds, and now my life is ruined? How is that fair?
You're his guardian. You signed up for this.
Of course, this is all about you.
Yes, it's about me. Okay, 'cause it's never about me and I'm finally making it about me.
So what, I'm supposed to drop out of school you do five years?
LIAM NOT DIED! And that was you! All f****** you! Your coke, your boyfriend, your f***** up life! It's not mine. All right.
Frank's passed out up in the bathroom.
Oh, f*ck. S***. He's shooting heroin now.
All right, use a f****** towel. I got him. You got him?
Where we always do-- street.
Good. You're home. You deal with him.
Must have had too many oxys.
Save it. All right? Just get him the f*ck out of the house.
I warned you. Now go! Carl, come here. Get rid of any evidence in Frank's room, all right?
He is too sick to leave the house.
Yeah, no s***! You just let him s**** a bunch of f****** H!
What if the social worker had showed up right now?
These kids would've been taken away. And what do you care, huh? You just want to make nicey-nicey with daddy. You get the **** out of my house!
[Ian has brought to Mickey to an upscale single-men-meeting-single-men party in downtown Chicago]
HHost
Delighted to meet you. Uh, could I get either of you a cocktail?
HHost
I've got some Craft Brews, a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat.
HHost
Right. Could I be any more of a fag? One beer coming up. Ian?
GGuest
[Approaches] You're new. Hi.
GGuest
You here with Ian?
GGuest
He's great. So what do you do for living?
GGuest
What kind of business?
GGuest
Oh, nice. What realm?
GGuest
Wait, you're serious? That's incredible. My dissertation is on transgender sex work and symbolic interactionism within the framework of hustler-client relations. You got a card?
[Mickey just stares at the guest as if the guest is mentally disabled]
