Hey, listen, about the bathroom....
Nothing happened in the bathroom.
Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.
What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.
[Sheila tinkles her glass]
I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today... but, baby steps.
Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today. I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up. And I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby...no matter who the father was, except Frank. Heh. He hated Frank. Heh. But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration. Eddie didn't like being penetrated. He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...that we thought was cancer...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way. Like Lip and all the Gallaghers.
[Karen mouths to Lip] What the fuck are you doing?
People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...where the cops always came.
PPeggy
Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?
And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited. And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.
[Whole party guests murmur]
Okay, Mom, let's open presents.
PPeggy
Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?
Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?
PPeggy
No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.
Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.
She called me a Wacker Drive whore.
And I don't know how an angel like that man...could have come out of your poisoned womb.
PPeggy
Shut up, you batty bitch.
You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!
PPeggy
I will fuck you up. [She draws a handun]
[Jimmy rushes forward and diverts Peggy's gun hand upwards and discharging into a smoke detector]
PPartygoer
Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people
[Jasmine is on top of Fiona sleeping licking her ear]
Mm. Babe, stop. Come on. You know I hate that. I'm gonna stick my thumb in your butt if you don't stop.
JJasmine
Mm, now we're talking. Mm. Morning, sunshine.
We don't let people in the house before I wake up!
JJasmine
Which guy doesn't like a finger up the butt?
JJasmine
I came to invite you out on David's boat today.
I thought you weren't allowed. Isn't it the wife's?
JJasmine
Yeah, but they're dropping one of the brats off at college.
What do you make of these?
Three of the most boring states of our country.
My foster daughter's been sending these. I'm trying to figure out where she's going or why she left.
"Having a nice time in Kansas. Ethel."
If I had to guess... she's having a nice time in Kansas. -
Or she's being held at gunpoint... forced to write that.
Like I'm not worried enough.
Just saying, you should get these postcards DNA tested. See if there's other fingerprints.
That's not gonna prove anything. You know how many people have touched this postcard?
Then throw a blue light on it. Check if there's any blood or sweat. Or semen. That'll tell a lot.
Could be right. Many foster kids become prostitutes.
Jesus. Give me those. There's no semen on them and my kid's not a prostitute. Social Services is on it.
Like they're on my sister's welfare checks that keep getting stolen?
SStan
[Appears wearing nothing but a jockstrap] I gotta go to my game. I'll see you guys later, okay? [Chuckles]
Stan, what the fuck are you doing?!
Holy shit. Look at the hog on Stan.
SStan
Baseball game, what do you think?
I've heard rumors about that thing.
SStan
Get your hands off me, knucklehead. You're gonna make me late.
You don't have a baseball game.
SStan
Yes, I do. It's at Archer Field. I saw it today on my calendar.
Your calendar from 1984? Come on, let's go upstairs.
SStan
Who's gonna play first base?
You know, I just got a call. They canceled the game.
SStan
Oh, jeez. And I had a lot of money on it too. Damn it. Damn it.
ROfficer Rodriguez
You wanted to speak with me?
Yes, Officer Rodriguez, I think we may have a problem.
ROfficer Rodriguez
What kind of problem?
Well, uh, I'm not one to be a rat... but you might have released an inmate in error.
ROfficer Rodriguez
And who might that be?
ROfficer Rodriguez
You mean Body Bag? That's her prison nickname. She was released on medical furlough.
That's just the thing. She's not sick. She's faking it.
ROfficer Rodriguez
Are you her doctor?
No, but I saw her in a kickboxing class today.
ROfficer Rodriguez
A 78-year-old woman?
I'm trying to do my part to preserve the integrity of our penal system.
ROfficer Rodriguez
She's old. She can barely walk. What threat could she possibly be to society?
[Fiona, Veronica, and Kevin are in a jacuzzi at a yacht party]
[Snorts cocaine] Whoo! Whoo, that shit is awesome!
JJasmine
Should have been hanging with me sooner. It was snowing all summer in Chicago. [Kevin laughs]
[Shows up with Estefania] So this is where the party's at.
What's up, you dirty fucker?! How's it hanging?!
Long and hairy, hard to carry! [Kevin laughs]
[Laughs] I miss you, man!
Sure that's not the drugs talking?!
You remember Kev and the gang, right?
EEstefania
[Greets in Portuguese] Hola!
JJasmine
[Jumps up] Ooh, I love this song! Estefania, let's go dance! Have you ever heard of Jell-O shots?! Ooh, you are so sexy! Come here! [Takes Estefania away]
What are you waiting for?! Drop trou! Jump in!
[Veronica splashes him] What?!
[Steve stands on jacuzzi edge and takes off shorts to reveal wearing a speedo]
What'd you expect? I've been in Brazil for months.
[Gets in jacuzzi and to Fiona] Hey. All right. [Fiona gets up out of jacuzzi] Where are you going? I thought you said we were totally cool.
I like your bathing suit.
I know what's going on here. Saw it with my own boys. [Ian coughs] One of the lions has to leave the den. Strongest one's gotta push the other one out or eat him. Only one way to resolve this. Somebody's gotta bleed. Fight it out. See who's alpha wolf.
No knives, no guns, no bricks. Just fists.
Labor Day. I work till five.
Six, then. Under the 'L'.
[Sheila wakes up in her bedroom with Frank at the foot of the bed drinking]
As opposed to? I'm gonna be an orphan.
Well... things worked out for Oliver Twist. And Annie.
She found a way to abandon me one last time.
The sun'll come out, just like the song says.
God, do you know how many years I've prayed for this moment? I'll be free.
Well, this might not be nice to say, but if anyone deserves cancer, it's your mother.
[Lip and Karen are smoking in a school washroom with Karen sitting on a window ledge]
Uh, made a deal with Fiona. She'll blow her end, and I'll be back home chilling in a week.
I'm gonna give the baby up for adoption. Sometimes I wonder if getting high makes it easier for me to keep up with you or more difficult. I thought I was in love with Jody; I'm not. I thought it would be cool to have a baby and love it, but no, I suck at it. I thought about aborting it, but I'm this far along, and even though I don't want it, other people probably do. So I figure why not suck it up a few more months, vag it out and sell it?
Well, the truth hurts, but it's still the truth.
Well, you know, if you are gonna let the baby live, maybe you should stop smoking weed.
Weren't Monica and Frank on acid the whole time you were in vitro?
Well, you want to go to some adoption agencies with me later? I need someone to play the dad, sign the paperwork. You could help me pick out a good buyer.
[Mr. Healey shows up] Oh! Mr. Healey, how goes it?
[Slides off window ledge] Later. [She leaves]
HMr. Healey
For goodness sake. [Takes cigarette out of Lip's mouth and soaks it in a sink] What the hell is this schedule you signed up for? Woodworking? Auto Repair? Welding?
Hey, I'm just trying to learn the skills that can make me a productive member of the working class, Mr. H. You as my guidance counselor should appreciate that.
HMr. Healey
You have any idea what it's like to be a guidance counselor in this shit hole? I get one National Merit Scholar every nine years. So there's not a chance that you're not going to live up to your goddamn potential.
Feeling very "O Captain! My Captain!" are we?
HMr. Healey
I had a teacher who took a special interest in me when I was about your age.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. He use a condom or...?
HMr. Healey
It was a woman, smart-ass. And she showed me the way out, changed my life.
Yet you still ended up in this job?
HMr. Healey
I had 22 years in the Coast Guard before I got here. And I retired a lieutenant commander.
HMr. Healey
So you're gonna take Physics, Probability and Statistics, Advanced Chemistry. And you're gonna take the ACT, and you're gonna get into either Yale or Harvard or MIT on a full academic ride. Give me your hand.
At what point in your career did you realize that your name, Dick, had become a euphemism for cock?
HMr. Healey
Watch your mouth. The ice you're standing on is cracking all around you, Phillip. And I won't stand around and watch you drown. [School bell rings] Get to class.
