PPatrick
Thank you all for coming out in honor of Aunt Ginger. "GG" as I called her. You now, when the guy at the funeral place handed me her ashes, I thought, what the hell do I do with these? Put 'em in a vase on my mantle? Or scatter them at the park or the lake? Then I thought, no, I know where she was happiest. On this corner, her corner, where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.
No, no, no, son. "Turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution. In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker. Could unlock her jaw like a Burmese python.
PPatrick
We are at her funeral. You know, some think Gallaghers don't have a work ethic, but Ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow, her old knees hitting that hard pavement again and again. Bertie Giddelman is the only one that's outlasted her. Look, you all knew Ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it. She was a mean old bitch. But even a mean old bitch deserves a send off. Here, here. So this is us, Ginger, sending you off, right where you belong. [Pours ashes out in gutter] It's touching. I'm tearing up. Okay, kids, let's go.
Patrick. So Ginger had a will that we didn't know about, and you just had it sitting in a drawer?
And even though she hated your guts, she left our house to you?
PPatrick
It was never your house.
It's weird, you know, how she signed the will only a year ago, you know, her being an invalid and all.
PPatrick
Signed and notarized.
I don't remember you coming by with a lawyer.
PPatrick
I gotta get back to my family.
Six kids with nowhere else to go.
PPatrick
Why don't we talk about this when the sting of losing Ginger has worn off, hmm? Tomorrow, maybe?
You want to tell them or should I?
I'm like a stud bull. You open the barn door, slap me on the ass. You know, I mean, when I say, "open the barn door," all right, I'm gonna block everything out, and I'm just gonna picture your beautiful face.
I picture Denzel Washington.
When I open my eyes a little and I see it's a white guy, eh, then I go with Johnny Depp.
Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.
There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.
Patrick wants to steal our house?
He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.
Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.
[They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?
[Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.
We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.
Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.
Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?
What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.
Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.
Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.
Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.
Option four. Kill Patrick.
It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.
Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.
So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.
You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?
Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.
All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.
Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.
Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?
Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.
This is why democracy does not work.
Debbie, that is not the outfit that we picked out for your first day, and you are so not leaving here in that.
I borrowed it from Mandy.
You do realize that I'm in middle school now, right?
Yeah, not stripper school. Go change.
...
Mandy, she's 13. She's not working the bedroom at the Mustang Ranch.
Yeah, like you never wore a short skirt when you were her age.
Jeez, Fi, she's just trying to help.
...
Can you take Liam tomorrow?
Not sure. Those fruits of Islam people on 4th have a free daycare. If I say I hate whitey, I bet they'll watch him for a few hours. So is Lip getting serious about Mandy "Skankovich"? [Mandy appears behind her]
Oh, shit, Mandy, I'm sorry. You know I would have never said that to your face. Should I apologize or leave? I'm gonna leave.
And now that you're home, I'm sure the Wongs will let us spend more time with him.
I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
I know you want to be involved in Hymie's life. In fact, I found a flyer for a support group.
For families affected with Down's Syndrome. I thought it might be a way for us to educate ourselves about Hymie's needs.
Frank': Be grateful the kid's not here.
Frank': Children in the Cambodian killing fields turned their parents over for execution. A lifetime of devotion, that's the loyalty it buys you.
Honey, we've been through a lot together.
That we have, Sheils, that we have.
Um, but Hymie's gone, and with Karen and Jody here, it's kind of a full house.
What? No. No, no, no, don't say that.
Frank, I'm just asking you to go home to your family.
My family threw me out with no regard for my well-being. Do you want me homeless? Do you want me wandering the streets just as old man winter winds his way down from the frozen north?
Don't you have someone you can stay with, like a friend?
Just as I'm getting my life together. I'm going to AA.
You go because a judge ordered you to go.
Frank, you're a good man, but you've got to find another place to stay.
[Sheila, Karen and Jody are at a PTA meeting for mentally disabled students and their parents]
PRPTA representative Kandage
Okay, listen up. Some of you have inquired about our petition. We have demanded that Lincoln Grove high school offer programs for special students to help them fit in with their classmates. [Applause]
PRPTA representative Kandage
Great, also concerning the "R" word, we have demanded a school policy forbidding students and faculty from using that word.
PRPTA representative Kandage
Excuse me.
JJeremy
Retard. You can't even say it. So how do we talk about it?
PRPTA representative Kandage
We all know your opinion on this, Jeremy. But right now I'm the one speaking.
JJeremy
Brothers and sisters, words only have power if we give them power. We must take back the word "retard." Make it ours.
PRPTA representative Kandage
Sweetheart, the rest of us find the word offensive.
JJeremy
I'm not your sweetheart, bitch. [All attendees gasp]
AAAbility activist
Mrs. Kandage, I know you mean well, but many of us here think it's time that we reclaim and redefine the word. And since normies don't get called "retard," they don't have a say in this. Normies do not get a say.
I think it's slang for non-retards.
JJeremy
Hey, Fabio, do you mind?
PRPTA representative Kandage
I don't care how it's used. I don't want anybody calling my son that word ever. It's incredibly hurtful.
FFather
Even if we did get rid of it, someone will just think up another way of saying it.
BFBlack father
That's right. The queers took back their word. It's different.
FFather
How is it different? It's not like race issues disappear if people stop saying nigger.
BFBlack father
[Gets up and points to father] Shut the fuck up!
FFather
I can say it, you can't.
AAAbility activist
Retards, we must ban together. The way to get respect is to take respect, and normies can help us get that message out. Raise your hand if you're with us!
JJeremy
[Starts chant] Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation. [Entire PTA meeting joins in chanting]
The one where I told you to go fuck yourself?
It was nice to hear your voice. [Shows tattoo to Lip]
Yeah, this guy said he'd take me to Paris, so I had this done. But he took all my money and tried to sell me to a sheikh from Yemen. So, yeah, things got bad for a little while. But anyways, I'm- I'm home now.
[Walks past Patrick vomiting at his truck and goes into house] And who's that puking on his Timberlands?
Cousin Patrick. He's got nausea, shortness of breath, blood in urine, severe illness and death.
What the hell are you reading?
[Holds up a box] Rat poison.
[Sheila is at an awareness campaign stand on a street]
Hi! Hi! We are Retard Nation. Yeah, we're a local organization, but as the name suggests, we are going national. We're promoting the idea that people with Down's Syndrome need to reclaim their own identities in order to define themselves. So if you'd like to, you can make a donation or if you'd like to buy a t-shirt or just get signed--
MMMarket manager
What the hell is this?!
Well, we're a local organization, Retard Nation--
MMMarket manager
Take it down now.
Sir, I'm afraid I can't do that.
MMMarket manager
Lady, you're not gonna stand in front of my market with this goddamn sign. Pack it up now or I'll do it, all right?
Sir, we will not be intimidated by normies.
MMMarket manager
By what?
MMMarket manager
Goddamn it, get this crap out of here.
MMMarket manager
All of it. Ma'am, I'm very sorry--
Don't! Do not touch me in front of my market. This is hate speech. Get your hands off of me. [Chants] Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation.
You really don't get why I have a problem with this?
Ian, do you get why I have a problem with this?
Not getting in the middle.
Why are you being such a dick about this? Those applications are 90 pages long. It took me forever to fill them out.
[Karen walks by them in the opposite direction]
You're not my mother. You're not in charge of who I talk to or who has a picture of me on facebook. And you're sure as shit not in charge of if I go to college!
You think he's right? Men are never right. That's why women were invented, To think for you assholes.
CChristopher
What are you reading about?
A bunch of uppity queers claiming that domestic partnership rights are not good enough for them.
CChristopher
They get offended when you call them queers, Frank.
Calling people by their name is not, nor should it ever, be argued as offensive. God almighty.
No! I'm a pauper, and somehow I got the king's disease.
Kings don't screw whores. They screw virgins or their nieces. The king's disease is gout. Big toe is throbbing like blue balls that no blowjob can ever fix. You got any percs or vikes?
CChristopher
No, but I could call my doctor, See if she can fit you in. She's super nice. Korean. Small fingers.
No, thank you. Doctors are crooks, Especially the Korean ones. Never trust a culture that makes sausages from dogs.
CChristopher
Frank, I'm pretty sure that's racist.
Accurate is not racist. Write that down in your AA journal.
[Debbie is at Sheila's house when Fiona calls and Debbie answers]
Debbie, you were just supposed to drop Liam there. Why aren't you at school? Are you sick?
No, no, no. Code pink at Sheila's. I'll explain later, okay?
Fine, explain later. But you're in big trouble.
It's nothing. I was just trying to explain to Fiona Why I'm not at school. It's like a code word we have.
Are you skipping school because of me?
I didn't want to go anyway. All anyone ever does is try to copy off me. But no one wants to sit with me at lunch. Everybody's mean. Middle school's stupid. Mean girls suck.
My daughter's a mean girl. I don't know how it happened.
Hey, if how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I'm pretty screwed, right?
[Frank walks up to a campaign stop of a mayoral electoral candidate while at a bus stop]
PPaul
Vote Paul Lashmet for a better Chicago. Hope I can count on your vote. Nice to meet you.
[To a young mother with a baby crying] Can't you shut the baby up?
WWoman
I could shove her up your ass and see if that does it.
You need to learn respect for your elders.
WWoman
You need to learn to not be a total dickwad.
I have a plan to put chicago back to work. Hey. Hey. Over here. I know you can hear me, Mr. Give-me-your-vote! You want to know what's wrong with this city? You want to know what doesn't work? My wife and I got married after three weeks of dating, and she turned out to be a bipolar-drug-addict--easy who left me alone with six kids to raise, while my domestic partner, Mr. Christopher Collier, is a clean and sober, hardworking citizen of this country. I think he deserves the same rights as a woman who would abandon her children.
PLPaul Lashmet
Thank you, sir. And I will consider your situation.
Don't you turn your back on me. Oh, don't you worry. I'm a citizen of this country. I live in this city. My partner works for this city. But because we're not married, which the law doesn't even allow, I might add, I am not allowed to share in his insurance benefits. Which means for me, it's stand in the line At the free clinic or suffer. That's not only unfair and unchristian, it's flat out un-american. I'm a citizen. Where are my equal rights? Fix that, Mr. I-want-to-be-mayor. [Frank's bus goes on without him] Fuck.
[MIT recruiter meets Lip walking to his house]
Your insipid essay question asks me to tell you in 250 words about my most significant challenge in life. Honestly, it's hard to pick one. My guess is that you want to hear about my alcoholic father and my runaway mom or maybe about... you would eat that shit up. But those aren't my greatest challenges in life. An education system that pretends to be a meritocracy. My 4.6 GPA.
MSMIT scout
What would you want to study at MIT? Provided you could get past my well-meaning oblivion and the proximity of The Red Sox.
Robotics. But none of that undergrad filler bullshit. No 200-seat lectures taught by TAs. I just want the shit out in front of me.
Yeah, the tools, you know, the toys, The stuff I can't get access to in my ghetto high school.
Because I'd like to hang out with C-3PO in my lifetime. And at the rate you're going, that shit's not gonna happen.
MSMIT scout
I'm not following. You don't want to go to classes, you just want to play in a lab.
I don't want to sit in a lecture that teaches me how to modify algorithms instead of think for myself.
Okay, the people working the weaving machines in the 17th century, you know, they didn't see the steam engine coming. One invention: Industrial revolution. I mean, Encyclopedia Britannica didn't see Wikipedia coming. Great things don't happen in tiny little increments. You know, they happen when someone thinks completely differently. And all you geniuses, you just- you're just modifying algorithms.
That dude's a badass. You know, he's fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.
