[Svetlana is sitting before Kevin and Veronica in their living room]
Okay. You did really well last night.
However, we need to tone down the rage a little. You're not gonna get anywhere if your date thinks you want to murder him the second he ties the knot.
SvetlanaWhat if I do?
Great question. Which brings us to Part A of our plan, etiquette.
[Writes on marker board] Rich guys are old school. They want a lady to be a lady.
A man wants to feel powerful. Really powerful. So let him dominate the conversation. Act like he's totally fascinating.
Svetlana
I cannot do this.
Okay, this brings us to Part B of our plan. This is a tiny microphone. Attach it to your shirt. This is a tiny earpiece. Put this in your ear. Come on, Svet. You're Russian. This is spy shit. It's in your DNA. Testing, testing. Can you hear me?
Svetlana
You are right there.
I meant in the thingy. Can you hear me?
Svetlana
Yes.
Okay. Do everything I say. Scratch your nose. Tuck your hair behind your ear. Excellent. Say, "Kevin Ball has a sexy voice."
Svetlana
Why should I lie?
Svetlana
Kevin Ball has a sexy voice.
Svetlana
I look like a fucking First Lady.
Here. Go cross your legs and pretend to be captivated.
Smokey to Bobcat. Do you hear me? Over.
We're trying to get Svetlana married off to a rich dude.
So... you just gave 'em your place, just like that?
What else was I supposed to do? Man, I was really digging my quiet mornings away from Gallagher chaos. And it's extra bad right now 'cause of Ian's gay messiah shit.
He should read Pope Leo the 13th's encyclical on property rights.
You know, whiskey is actually clear when it comes off the still. It gets the caramel color from the barrel...
You know, I'm just... I'm just gonna say this. Sometimes it feels like it doesn't even matter that I'm sitting here. I know all the places you've lived. I know all the languages you speak. I've met your exes, your baby mamas, your spawn. And yet, you have never asked one question about me. Did you know that I became legal guardian of my siblings when I was 23? Or that I dropped out of high school, but then I got back and I got my GED?
Yes, actually, I did. And I know you did it to convince your genius brother who's a recovering alcoholic to stay in college. I know you got left at the altar by your junkie fiancé with whom you were very much in love.
'Cause I ask around. There's some other stuff I know. You're fiercely protective of your family. You're generous. Like today, for example, you gave your apartment to a homeless family.
You are so very much yourself. You don't even have to try. And frankly, you scare the fuckin' shit out of me.
...
[Gerald walks over to Svetlana at wall] It's him. It's him. Svet, Svet. The buzzard is in the tuba. The buzzard is in the tuba.
I have no idea. I've never done this before. What's she saying? I can't hear anything. I can't hear anything. We never tested the microphone.
All right, well, she needs to relax. Tell her to lean in a little.
Svetlana, lean in a little. Too far. Too Far. Too far. Too far. Take a sip of your drink. Sip, not gulp.
Tell her to- to ask him about something.
All right. All right. All right, Svet. Ask him about his mother. No, not his mother. Ask him about his favorite sports teams. Allergies... What the hell do people talk about on dates? Did she just drop her earpiece in her drink? Oh, no. [Svetlana nears her hand to Gerald's crotch] She's gonna grab his cock, isn't she? [Svetlana moves hand all the way in] Called that one.
[Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana are at an upscale restaurant of a high-end hotel]
Wow. This fucking place, huh?
Svetlana
I found it on Belarusian whore website. More billionaires stay here than any other hotel in Chicago.
Svetlana
Comparing my skills to those of Freelania. These are my skills on this napkin, and these are hers.
There's nothing on that napkin.
Svetlana
Hmm, precisely. She is sub-mental. Not as attractive, not as charming. Look at my ass. It's perfect. I would fuck my own ass. She has flat ass of Filipino boy.
[Kevin and Veronica open their menus]
$18 for a beer. You'd have to be a billionaire to catch a buzz.
He spoils me, but I deserve it. He likes his little penis rubbed, and honestly, all he really cares about are my feet. He can't stop buying me shoes. Such a simple man. Oh. Vera made this for me. Mazel tov. I must admit, the greater part of the joy I feel is knowing how devastated you must be.
Svetlana
Humiliated.
I had imagined you humbled like this so many times. I was worried it would be anticlimactic. It's not.
Svetlana
Freelania... you have everything we have ever dreamed of. After all the tubs of hand lotion and stained sheets, thousands of Handi Wipes,
Svetlana
I am truly humbled by your success, so I ask you to pity me and tell me how. How did you make this all happen?
You mean how did these shoes happen?
Svetlana
Yes.
How did this Gaultier gown, which I have never worn, happen?
Svetlana
Uh-huh.
[Hocks a loogie on the gown] I would give it to you now that it's soiled, but... you're too fat to fit into it, so I will throw it away instead. Svetlana Yevgenivna, you were born a whore. You will die a whore. [Brings out phone] Mm. My caterer. Excuse me. Alain... Bonjour, mon amour.
Svetlana
Ublyudok.
RRupert
[Appears in room] Hello, hello. Hello, sweetie. Don't you look lovely... today? I'm headed for the club. Don't forget dinner at The Grill. [Kisses her hand] I wanna show off my beautiful bride-to-be. [Walks away] Hmm. Toodle-oo. I'm going up the chimney.
Svetlana
[Her face lights up in epiphany]
Svetlana
Well, I steal her wedding dress, I take her place at wedding and marry rich old man with saggy diaper.
You don't think he's gonna notice the difference?
Svetlana
He thought I was her. He is weak in the head.
What about the wedding guests?
Svetlana
I wear a veil. No one will see.
[A phone rings and Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana all check their phones to realize it's Freelania's]
Svetlana
I get it. Hold machete. She tries anything, you cut her face, okay?
[Grabs Svetlana's wrist and pulls her back] No way. I'm not slashing her face if she tries to make a run for it. [Pulls phone out of Freelania's pocket and checks it] "Zlata"?
Svetlana
Shit. Her mother is coming to the wedding.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's gonna know Svetlana isn't her daughter, right?
[Svetlana takes out cloth from Freelania's mouth and she threatens in Russian] She will rip out your lungs and eat them. [Svetlana restuffs Freelania's mouth]
Svetlana
You yell one more time, I will shave your head, I will cut off your nipples, and I will sell you to the Mexican cartel for big fun, okay? When is Zlata coming?
Today. I am supposed to pick her up at airport. And I need to pee.
Svetlana
Get a bowl.
Svetlana
Use it for her to pee.
Svetlana
Take the pants off! Get a bowl.
Svetlana
Zlata. Scary old Soviet. Survived Stalingrad as a young girl by eating human flesh.
Shameless · 903 quotes
