Dr. Elliot Reid quotes from Scrubs

J.D.

Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.

Elliot

Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. That said "Bone City."

J.D.

[acting surprised] Oh, really. That came through?

Elliot

J.D., I don't want to do this! Can't we just go home and put our PJ's on and watch Grey's Anatomy?

J.D.

Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!

J.D.

Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!

Elliot

[screeching] I'd been stung by a jellyfish!

Jordan

You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.

Elliot

You don't like Cox?

Jordan

Actually, I love Cox.

The Todd

[walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.

Jordan

See, that's the problem.

[offscreen] This sausage is huge!

The Todd

Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.

Elliot

Okay, guess what flavor baby food this is.

Cab driver feet?

Elliot

Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how everyone in this fricking hospital is having a baby except for me. I mean, [Points to Carla] having a baby, [Points to Turk] having a baby, [Points to Dr. Cox] having a second baby, [Points to a nurse] having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everybody knows! [Sees Dr. Beardface staring at her]. What're you looking at, Beardface? You want a kid? Because I swear to God, I will mount you right now!

It's Beardfacé, DAMMIT!

A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah-no. Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer. [slouches away]

Elliot

Guys, guys, I got a good one. Is it me, or does...

[monotone] ...someone need to switch to decaf?

Turk

Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.

Elliot

You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask...

[monotone again] ...who are you and what have you done with Turk?

Elliot

[shrieking] Stop finishing my awesome jokes!

J.D.

[holding his ears] Oh my God!

[After Elliot turns a patient over to him.] You're giving orders to me? OMG Barboo, you make me want to LOL.

Elliot

[Stares]

I just discovered texting. I'm a little late in the game, I know, but that doesn't make you any more of a G-A-B-P-I-T-A-W-M-M-W-number two-D.

Elliot

Excuse me?

Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes Me Want To... Die.

Elliot

You have to help J.D.

Any other day, I'd just say no, but today, I'm gonna go ahead and say... no.

Elliot

Oh, and FYI, I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy. Except for when they are really vague and generic.

J.D.

[voiceover] And so in the end I knew what Elliot said about the way things were had forever changed the way we all thought about them.

Elliot

[reading off the bathroom stall's wall] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt?"... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital's full of white guys.

Kelso

Don't be too pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.

J.D.

It's like all of a sudden this hospital is a police state!

Elliot

The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!

J.D.

They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.

Elliot

Really? Then why does Johann always let me...

J.D.

Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.

Elliot

Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.

J.D.

The point is, Elliot. You're a lot stronger than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.

Elliot

How about you? Do you still let that inner-voice of yours control you?

J.D

[inner-voice] This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! [out loud] Not as much.

Turk

So you're working tonight too, huh?

Elliot

Yeah.

Turk

Yeah, I'm the on-call surgical-attending. I kinda signed up because J.D. was supposed to be working with me.

Elliot

I'm covering for him, he and Sam went on a little trip to... You know what, it's not important.

Turk

Oh, no, no, no, finish your thought.

Elliot

I didn't wanna be the one to tell you this. Kim had a medical conference in Anaheim and so J.D. went and took Sam to Disneyland...

Turk

That's impossible. Because he and I swore to each other that, since neither one of us has ever been to Disneyland, that we would go for our 40th birthday together.

Elliot

What do you want me to say?

Turk

I want you to tell me that he's not at Disneyland right now, can you tell me that?

Elliot

No.

Turk

You know what, adults move on. And that's what I'm doing right now, I'm moving on. How do you wanna handle tonight's workload?

Elliot

Okay, I was thinking-

Turk

[screaming] I can't do it Elliot! You know, I tried! I tried, but it hurts too bad, it hurts me deep right here. It hurts me, I can feel it in my chest, that man went to Disneyland without me! They got roller-coasters that roller-coaster in the dark! Okay? You don't know where the turns are coming from! They got the Finding Nemo ride, where you're riding around with Nemo! And it is a ride, a ride, with Nemo!

J.D.

Look, Elliot, I don't know if it's possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk.

Elliot

[touched] Oh, my God.

J.D.

I know, that's even hard for me to say, but it's true.