Dr. Christopher Turk quotes from Scrubs

Gandhi, did you tell Jordan what I said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me!

Turk

Relax, she's pregnant, what could she possibly do?

Jack

Man check!

Jordan

Good boy, Jack, good boy!

Turk

He can't possibly make this my fault, right?

J.D.

Dorian. Dammit, now I'm doing it! [Stepping over Dr. Cox] Careful, he's gone fetal.

Carla

Elliot, you can't test love. When I met Turk, it seemed he was more in love with his best friend than with me.

Turk

Honey, they've got that almond biscotti J.D. loves, so I was wondering if I can borrow some money so I can get him some.

Carla

No, you got him a present yesterday.

J.D.

Wow, it has been an amazing six years. I wouldn't change any of it, would you guys?

I'd damn sure change this moment, and any other moment that was even remotely like this moment. [leaves]

J.D.

Hey, Turk...

Turk

I'm not giving you a hug.

J.D.

[narration] I hate this place.

Turk

Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, "it's over Turk... Michael Jordan's career is over."

Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?

J.D.

Is he the Black golfer?

Turk

How do you know sign language?

Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for "thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked 'em big and hairy.

The Todd

Join the club, playa.

Get away.

The Todd

[shrugs] Okay. [leaves]

So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself, because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.

J.D.

Is any of that true?

Someone would have to read it back to me.

Turk

Does heart trouble run in your family?

My uncle was shot in the heart.

The Todd

Hey, guys. I hear there's a Steel Magnolia in room 309 that needs a little pruning.

Turk

Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.

The Todd

The Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age or disability.

Turk

Before Izzy was born, if I saw a half-eaten meatball sub in the trash you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it! But now, I'm not risking my health eating trash-food. I mean, unless it's a corn dog.

Thank God you've procreated.

I've seen the Wiggles live in concert... twice.

Turk

Did they perform "Big Red Car"?

They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.

Turk

Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful bulldog of a lawyer, or you can talk to Ted, who, well—

Ted

My mom calls me Thunder.

I'm going to go with the less shiny one.

Tough break there, Thunder.

Ted

YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!

[noticing Kelso's head] Fair enough.

Turk

[calling] What it do, Beardface?

It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!

Dr. Kelso

Calm down, Seymour.

If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...

Dr. Kelso

HA! Dr. Face.

DAMN you all!

J.D.

[looking in awe at a baby] I'm a dad!

Turk

That's not your kid.

J.D.

I know, but he reminds me of Sam.

Turk

That's a girl.

J.D.

Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I was having a moment, here!

Turk

There's no way I'm losing to J.D. There must be some way we can take him down.

I thought he was your best friend.

Turk

Winning is more important than friendship. My gram-gram taught me that.

So, Gandhi, what did your wife think of her terrible present?

Turk

I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.

Dr Kelso

You got brinner? DAAAAAMN, Turkledawg!

Turk

Like them. I bet you that in two weeks they will be back together.

Carla

Do you think so? Some people are not going to like that.