Salem Saberhagen the cat quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Sabrina

Salem, were you in my closet again?

Salem

Yeah. So?

Sabrina

You ruined my favorite Christmas sweater!

Salem

Yeah. So?

Sabrina

It meant a lot to me!

Salem

Then you shouldn’t have hidden your diary under it.

Sabrina

You were reading my diary again?

Salem

Yes, and it’s duller than dish water...

Sabrina

I’ve told you a thousands times...

Salem

...When I was a teenager we-

Sabrina

...Stay out of my stuff-!

Zelda

Stop it, you two! It’s Christmas Eve and I don’t want any more arguing. Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology. [Salem says nothing] Now!

Salem

I’m thinking of how to word it.

Hilda

Try "I’m sorry".

Salem

Somehow, that just doesn’t feel right...

Sabrina

Forget it, I don’t have time for this. I’ve gotta meet Harvey at The Slicery, but now I’ve gotta change, thanks to you!

Salem

Since you thanked me, can I ask a favor?

Sabrina

Excuse me, cat? You want a favor?

Salem

Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I’ve got a touch of cabin fever, and I'd really like to-

Sabrina

Are you insane?! I wouldn’t bring you to The Slicery if you were the last person-slash-cat on Earth! [Storms off]

Salem

[nonchalant] Man, what’s her problem?

Hilda

You are so self centred, even for a cat.

Salem

Zelda, you’ll never guess who called! I’ll give you a hint: Shelly.

Zelda

Shelly? Your ex-girlfriend? The one who left you?

Salem

She didn’t leave me! She just needed some time by herself.

Zelda

For two decades?

Salem

Three. But, and I repeat, but by the sound of her voice, I’d say she has crawling back on her mind!

Zelda

I see... Did you happen to mention that you’re a cat now?

Salem

Is it that noticeable?

Sabrina

Poor Salem. Are you going to be okay?

Salem

I guess... with time... No...!

Sabrina

Don’t worry, you’ll be happy again soon.

Salem

Please! Shelly was the love of my life! What would ever replace her in my heart?

Sabrina

Maybe this’ll help;

Salem

A GIANT BALL OF YARN?! [leaps onto it] OH, THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!

Sabrina

[smiles] I thought you’d like it.

Salem

Like it?! I don’t even remember her name!

Jenny

[to Salem] Hey kitty, do you know where the linen closet is?

Salem

Meow.

Jenny

I know it’s snooping, but all that talk about towels made me wanna check theirs out. [walks over to the Linen Closet]

Salem

[seeing Sabrina's wart] Whoa! Who's your new friend?

Zelda

[delighted] It’s her first wart as a witch!

Hilda

Oh, let me get the camera!

Sabrina

What am I gonna do? Harvey and I are supposed to give a report on the rain-forest today, but I am not going to school like this! [gestures to wart]

Zelda

You can’t skip school because of a wart. It’s part of being a witch.

Hilda

It happens to all of us; I once had one on the end of my nose for a decade. [laughs, then stops] Actually, it wasn’t that funny, I wanted to die. Just be glad you can cover yours with a baseball cap. [conjures up a cap for Sabrina]

Salem

Orioles? I didn’t know you were a baseball fan.

Hilda

I’m not - I’m a Brady Anderson fan. He is hot! I love those side-burns!

Salem

Yeah. I may be a house pet, but I totally see it...

Hilda

Oh, I know what I want; Flan! [conjures some up] It’s so wiggly!

Salem

I don’t know whether to eat it, or attack it.

Sabrina

Salem, what are you doing?

Salem

Nothing!

Sabrina

You’re in a chatroom again pretending to be a woman, aren’t you?

Salem

I like the attention

Harvey

Oh! I’ll grab the cat. We can make him chase the light reflected off my watch!

Sabrina

No! Er... He’s not allowed in the living room. Very bad shedding problem.

Harvey

[disgusted] Really?

Sabrina

[pointedly] Better if he just stays here and minds his own business.

Salem

[To himself] Like I don’t have anything better to do than spy on her. [beat] Wait, I don’t!

Sabrina

[filling out a form for the Boston Cat Show] Okay, name... "Salem Spellman"...

Salem

May I remind you, I’m your cat, not your pet? I have my own last name.

Sabrina

You do?

Salem

It’s Saberhagen, Salem Saberhagen.

Sabrina

And what breed are you?

Salem

American Shorthair... and darned proud of it. Write that down, the judges will eat that up.

Sabrina

That’s all we need! [frowns] Except for the five dollar application fee...

Salem

Don’t look at me, I’m maxed out!

Sabrina

I guess I don’t have to worry about Mom, anymore...

Salem

She’s happy?

Sabrina

Yeah, she loves her work, and her colleague is really cute... So, I’m pleased to say everyone’s moved on.

Salem

Not me, I’m stayin’ put. There’s an exciting shaft of light on the ceiling that’ll keep me here for the next five hours.

Sabrina

[looks up at the ceiling] So there is. [smiles] Well, enjoy it, Salem - you deserve it.

Sabrina

I can't believe this, I'm missing The Smashing Pumpkins!

Salem

Bummer T. Jones III.

Hilda

Oh no, she's gone again!

Sabrina

No, I'm not. I'm on the bed.

Hilda

How'd you get over there?

Sabrina

Salem carried me in his mouth.

Salem

It took all my self control not to eat her.

Sabrina

I’ve got to get this de-activator off.

Salem

I’ll pick it with my dew-claw. It’s essentially the same lock that’s on your diary

Hilda

I’m so glad we spent our small fortune on a briefcase.

Salem

So fire it up and whip me up some hospital grade catnip.