Zelda Spellman quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Hilda

She seems so happy. Oh, remember how we used to stay up Friday nights telling each other about our dates?

Zelda

We haven’t done that in ages.

Hilda

I know. We haven’t done that in ages because we haven’t had dates in ages.

Zelda

Oh well, at least we have each other. [pause] Oh my heavens! I’m living with my sister! I've gotta call that Yenta!

Zelda

I wish you would learn that it’s never a good idea to turn yourself into a boy.

Hilda

Oh, there was no harm done! Except for those four cheese-steaks I ate...

Zelda

I hear bells... Have I reached Nirvana?

Hilda

It's the phone.

Zelda

[disapointed] Oh...

Oh Racine, I know you're unhappy, but it was fair. Now, Hilda and Zelda got the Magic Book, and you got what you chose: all my money.

Sabrina

They got all of great grandma’s money?

Hilda

Yep, and they bought a mansion and a jet, and several butlers...

Zelda

Don’t forget tiaras for Maw Maw.

Hilda

...And then, all the money was gone.

We didn’t just spend it, [proudly] we invested some of it!

Yeah, who knew chihuahua racing wouldn’t take off.

Hilda

Uh, everyone?

Zelda

It's not funny, Salem.

Sabrina

[walks into the kitchen] Good morning. [screams at her first look at Salem, startling Zelda, while Salem keeps laughing] Why did Salem startle me?

Zelda

It's Friday the 13th, the day that black witch cats have the power to scare the living daylights out of people.

Salem

You should've seen your face! [wheezing with laughter] I gotta stop laughing or milk's gonna come out of my nose! Oh, here comes Hilda, act normal. [Hilda walks in, reading the newspaper] Uh, good morning, Hilda. [Hilda gets scared just as Sabrina did; Salem laughs more]

Hilda

Aww, Happy Friday the 13th, Salem.

Sabrina

Aunt Hilda, a bat just flew out of your mouth.

Hilda

Oh, how embarrassing. I have "bat breath" again.

Zelda

Have you been eating pomegrantes?

Hilda

Well, I know they don't agree with me, but I had just such a craving for that juicy crimson pulp...

Sabrina

Why didn't you guys tell me that there's a rule that on Friday the 13th I can tell a mortal I'm a witch?

Hilda

Oh, the one where you can tell anyone you want and they can know for a whole twenty-four hours?

Sabrina

Yes.

Zelda

We didn't want you to know.

Zelda

We have a problem, our niece Sabrina has a case of Egotitis.

Yeah? That’s not your only problem...

Hilda

It isn’t?

Nah - You’ve got one sorry looking Christmas tree.

Sabrina

It looked better with presents.

Hilda

Do you realise what you’ve done?!

Sabrina

What, Bob’s going to sue?

Zelda

No! He’s Santa Claus!

Sabrina

[horrified] What?!

Hilda

That’s right - you’ve just maimed Father Christmas!

Sabrina

So, I guess I’m not the only one not getting presents this year...

Zelda

Now there’s something you should know about Dr. Brickman-

Hello, I’m Dr. Brickman.

Sabrina

[to Zelda, sarcastic] Let me guess, he has cold hands?

Zelda

Don’t worry, he performed his first operation at two.

I even supervised my own birth - I’m a complete professional.

Salem

[on laptop] I’m so happy, I could plotz!

Sabrina

Not on the kitchen table.

Salem

You can say goodbye to this furry little punim!

Hilda

Salem, what’s with all the Yiddish? Are you going into show business?

Salem

I’m online with a camel in Jerusalem who used to be an Amway salesman.

Zelda

Why did the Witches' Council turn him into a camel?

Salem

He used to be an Amway salesman. Anywho... He was wandering through the desert, when he found a scroll that said witches like me can be turned back into their former selves, if they’re kissed by someone who loves them.

Sabrina

Why can’t you just play Solitaire like regular cats?

Salem

One little kiss and I can once again be a man! I’ll no longer be a schlemiel!

Zelda

Salem, don’t trust chat rooms.

Hilda

Besides, you little yutz, who’re you going to get to kiss you?

Salem

Pucker up.

Hilda

If I helped turn you into a man, the Witches' Council will turn me into a cat. What a sad, pathetic existence that would be...

Salem

Moving on... I love ya Zelda!

Zelda

I love you, too... [kisses her finger and places it on his head] ...But I’m not in love with you.

Salem

Oh, Sabrina...

Sabrina

Not until you find a new way of grooming yourself.

Salem

Mean! There must be somebody out there who’s not so stingy with kisses! [Hilda conjures up a Boxer dog, who immediately starts slobbering over him] Oh lord, he’s got toilet-water breath! [sobs]

Before I let you go, I have to ask you a few questions about the Mortal Realm to prove you live there - standard procedure

Zelda

Fire away! I DO have three P.h.D's!!

What are the names of the Hanson brothers?

Zelda

Who??

Hilda

Isaac, Zachary and Taylor

What actor from Marcus Wellby just married Barbara Streisand?

Zelda

Ooh, ooh... Robert Young!

Hilda

James Brolin

Sports. Who's the best ----

Hilda

...Michael Jordan!

Correct, you can go!

Hilda

Yes!! (Hi-fives Zelda, both attempt to leave)

(holding Zelda back) Oh, not you

Zelda

But -- but, but...

You didn't answer one question, there's no WAY you live in the Mortal Realm

Zelda

But I DO! I know who wrote Pride & Prejudice! I know who discovered the Uranium Isotope!

No one in the Mortal Realm knows those things!

Zelda

(being dragged off by Mounty) HILDAAA!!!

Hilda

I'll help you, Zelda! Go back to the bar and wait for me - you'll be okay! Tonight's ladies' night and... you'll be the only lady!

Zelda

What’s the matter?

Sabrina

I got an "A+" in a really hard test and won a blue ribbon on my invention.

Zelda

...Uh-huh. So, what’s the problem?

Sabrina

[upset] That! No one's excited!

Zelda

Oh, honey... It’s just that, you get "A"s and win things so often, you can’t expect a parade every time.

Sabrina

How about one person walking by with a hearty "well done!"?

Zelda

I, on the other hand, solved an ancient math problem, and the Other Realm scientist sat there like a group of mutes. Of course, now that they’re covered with smallpox, they might be livelier...

Sabrina

I’d just like one person to get a little keyed-up!

Zelda

Oh, thank Zeus!

I'm sorry I ducked out on you, [indicates Salem] but I had to talk Charlie Powermooger out of taking down Microsoft.

Salem

I thought I could resist power, [weeping] but I'm weeeeak! I'm sorry, Sabrina. I didn't want to hurt you; I just wanted to rule you! [Sabrina makes a weird face; Salem faces the Witch Judge] Your Honor, I'm ready to be a cat again.

Sabrina, once again, you dodged the bullet (Sabrina smiles) That´s the name of the lion, "Bullet"

Sabrina

Thank you guys! If you´re excuse me I think I´m gonna faint... (she faints)

Hilda

[to Caligula] No! She doesn´t need mouth to mouth!

Salem

Another fifty years as a cat! By the time I work off this extra time, I'll be an old man!

Zelda

Aww, many people are vital in their later years. Look at John Glenn.

Salem

YOU look at him!