Zelda Spellman quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Salem

Zelda, you’ll never guess who called! I’ll give you a hint: Shelly.

Zelda

Shelly? Your ex-girlfriend? The one who left you?

Salem

She didn’t leave me! She just needed some time by herself.

Zelda

For two decades?

Salem

Three. But, and I repeat, but by the sound of her voice, I’d say she has crawling back on her mind!

Zelda

I see... Did you happen to mention that you’re a cat now?

Salem

Is it that noticeable?

Zelda

I wanted to discuss this rationally but you’re making it hard.

Mr. Rothwell

Hey, she failed the test - what do you want me to do about it?

Zelda

But the circumstances were unfair!

Mr. Rothwell

Look, if it makes you feel better, you can blame this on me. But I think we both know these problems start at home.

Zelda

[sharply] What problems?

Mr. Rothwell

Hey, if the kid can’t master the quadratic equation, that says to me: dysfunctional family.

Zelda

[angered] We function just fine!

Mr. Rothwell

Tell it to her social worker.

Sabrina

Wait a second, how can being sentenced to teaching high school be sufficient punishment?

Zelda

Because it’s the worst thing Mr. Rothwell can imagine.

Sabrina

But now kids are going to be stuck with him, year after year!

Zelda

Well, whether he means to or not, he teaches a valuable lesson.

Sabrina

Some people are just jerks?

Hilda

Yes, but if you study hard and you don’t let him get to you, you will pass algebra and then you can forget it. But he’s trapped in math forever.

Sabrina

So he did get his just desserts...

Hilda

M-hm. And now, I think we should get frozen desserts.

Sabrina

Listen up: "Mortals without concious knowledge of the realm may walk in and out of it freely." [smugly] Loophole!

Zelda

But Jenny already has concious knowledge

Sabrina

So we get rid of the concious part

Hilda

We knock her out?

Sabrina

No. We convince her she’s having a dream. Then she can leave.

No, she can’t!

Yes, she can. [holds up scroll] I have it in writing.

[disappointed] Oh, toothpicks!

Sorry. Rules are rules, but loopholes are loopholes!

Zelda

Now, we'll empty our minds.

Hilda

That, I can do.

Salem

[seeing Sabrina's wart] Whoa! Who's your new friend?

Zelda

[delighted] It’s her first wart as a witch!

Hilda

Oh, let me get the camera!

Sabrina

What am I gonna do? Harvey and I are supposed to give a report on the rain-forest today, but I am not going to school like this! [gestures to wart]

Zelda

You can’t skip school because of a wart. It’s part of being a witch.

Hilda

It happens to all of us; I once had one on the end of my nose for a decade. [laughs, then stops] Actually, it wasn’t that funny, I wanted to die. Just be glad you can cover yours with a baseball cap. [conjures up a cap for Sabrina]

Salem

Orioles? I didn’t know you were a baseball fan.

Hilda

I’m not - I’m a Brady Anderson fan. He is hot! I love those side-burns!

Salem

Yeah. I may be a house pet, but I totally see it...

Sabrina

I’m in such a good mood.

Zelda

Well then, we should celebrate.

Hilda

And there’s no better way to celebrate than with a woggly joggly flan! [conjures up a flan]

Sabrina

[happily] This is great! Great, great, great! [Zelda, Hilda and Salem give her a hard look] I was being sincere!

Hilda

Look, we’re really sorry we embarrassed you...

Zelda

...And we feel we owe you some fun. So... [conjures up a vacuum cleaner]

Hilda

Ta-da!

Sabrina

[unimpressed] I get to clean the house?

Zelda

No, you get to fly!

Sabrina

On a vacuum?

Hilda

Yes! See, old time witches used broomsticks, but vacuums are much faster and more efficient.

Sabrina

You’re gonna let me fly? I don’t believe this!

Zelda

It’s true. You proved tonight that you can handle the responsibility...

Hilda

...And we were very impressed by the way you refused to buckle to peer-pressure...

Zelda

And most importantly, you called us your friends.

Sabrina

[tearfully] Stop, you’re embarrassing me.

Sabrina

I passed, why is Harvey still a frog?

Zelda

There's one final detail; To change him back, you have to return to the scene of the kiss and kiss him again.

Sabrina

[disgusted] I have to kiss a frog? That is so gross!

Zelda

Teenagers; they'll jump through flames, but ask 'em to kiss a frog...

Hilda

So how was your date with Rick?

Zelda

Oh, not so good. I’m starting to feel really weird about the age difference. I mean, normally I don’t care about these things, but Rick keeps bringing up stuff that makes me feel old.

Hilda

Like what?

Zelda

Oh, he keeps talking about how he can’t wait for the turn of the century - Big deal, I’ve done that five times!

Hilda

Oh, and it’s always the same; I’ve partied like it was sixteen ninety-nine, seventeen ninety-nine, eighteen ninety-nine... this time, I’m staying home.

Zelda

Exactly.

Hilda

Sabrina, what’s going on?

Sabrina

It’s this spell, it’s totally out of control! Make it stop!

Zelda

We can’t do that. You opened a Can of Worms and until they wriggle their way to a dramatic climax, you’re stuck.

Sabrina

But I am in so much trouble! The police think I stole the ring Mr. Pool bought for the nurse, but Libby’s setting me up to get me out of the way because she wants to steal my boyfriend who has amnesia.

Hilda

Oh, this is even better than Burden of Desire! [Sabrina glares at her] Except that it’s happening to you...

Harvey

Is Sabrina home?

Zelda

No. I’m sorry.

Harvey

[disappointed] Me too... Well, when you see her, could you tell her... that I’ve thought about it, and I’m willing to accept whatever weird situation she’s in. That’s all, see ya.

Zelda

Harvey! [he stops] Would you come in for a moment?

Harvey

...Sure. [enters the house]

Zelda

I couldn't help but notice your jacket... Who is the "Termite King"?

Harvey

My Dad. That's his company.

Zelda

Which would make you the Termite Prince!

Harvey

And that's why I'm leaving the area when I go to college.

Hilda

Let me guess, you failed your first try?

Sabrina

I'll get it next time.

Zelda

I'm sure you will. But unfortunately, there's a penalty.

Sabrina

No dessert?

I have to go. I have to meet someone...

Zelda

Your old boyfriend?

No, my therapist