Hey Harvey, help us out: Sabrina’s got a problem.
SabrinaWell, I was thinking of joining the Science Club-
Really? I didn’t know you were a geek.
Sabrina
I’m not. That’s the problem; I’m afraid everyone will think I am.
I explained that we can’t change the whole system just for her.
Sabrina
Well, why does everyone have to be stuffed in a category? I mean, I don’t get it, look around: [points at various tables] The cheerleaders only eat with the cheerleaders, The geeks only eat with the geeks... I just don’t want to be labelled.
You have no choice. You have a grace period as a new student, but pretty soon, you’re going to be stereotyped.
Sabrina
Well, what are you guys?
Well, I’m a quasi-jock with semi-literary aspirations and a hint of denialism.
Sabrina
If only it was that simple for me. Jenny, what are you?
I tried to be an outsider, but I didn’t really fit in. Now Libby calls me a freak, and I’m okay with that.
Sabrina
Well... why can’t I just be me?
That’s a pretty small group.
Sabrina
Libby caught me coming out of Science Club.
You went to Science Club? Oh, that’s wonderful!
Sabrina
No, it’s not! Now Libby thinks I’m a complete geek!
I knew this would happen; it’s Zelda’s influence. I begged you to watch TV with me so you’d be normal.
Oh, be quiet! [conjures a helmet (with a visor) on Hilda's head]
[to Sabrina] Now, it shouldn’t bother you what Libby says-
Sabrina
It shouldn’t, but it does. I wanna use my magic to teach Libby a lesson.
That sounds very constructive.
Sabrina
I’m going to give her a snout!
[raises her visor] Oh, good idea!
[Zelda flicks her finger at Hilda and the visor snaps shut]
You need to talk to my friend Cicero, he’s an expert on these matters. Come on, we’ll look him up in the book. [leads Sabrina up the stairs]Are you coming, Hilda?
Yes! [tries to stand, but fails] No... I can’t. My outfits too heavy... but it’s very useful!
[Zelda manages to look up Cicero in the Magic Book]
CCicero
[to himself] There’s a girl looking at me... Don’t... panic...
[to Sabrina] Ask him what he’d do, he’s very knowledgeable.
Sabrina
Hey Cicero, I’m Sabrina and I have a question.
CCicero
Ask away, but make it quick; If the centurions catch me here, it’s a guaranteed swirly in the aqueduct.
Sabrina
...Okay... See, there’s this girl in my school, and she keeps calling me a geek, and I really don’t like it.
CCicero
I suggest that you ignore her. Okay, bye-bye. [starts edging towards the edge of the page]
Sabrina
No, wait! I can’t ignore her, no one can ignore her! You’ve gotta help!
CCicero
Well... There are two ways to teach her a lesson. The first is to just give her a snout...
Sabrina
I knew it!
[exasperated] What’s the second?
CCicero
Give her a taste of her own medicine: turn her into a geek. She’ll see how it feels and she’ll learn that it’s what’s inside that really counts.
Sabrina
But how can I do that?
CCicero
A simple spell; just, [pushes his finger up the bridge of his nose, then points] point.
Sabrina
Like this? [repeats his action]
CCicero
[embarrassed] Well, actually, you just have to point; My glasses were slipping.
[Sabrina enters Science Club]
Sabrina
Hey, I brought my rock tumbler.
[the club members all turn to stare at her]
[coldly] May we help you?
Sabrina
[confused] What are you doing here?
I’m the new president. And by the way, membership is closed - Science Club is now limited to six people.
SSherman
That’s how many can fit in the Space Shuttle.
Sabrina
You can’t do that! Where’s Mr. Pool?
I sent him for Tang and Fig Newtons. Besides, you don’t belong here. You’re not a total geek, is she guys?
SCThe Science Club
No, she’s not.
HHoward
Yeah, you never sat with us at lunch.
SSherman
And what’s you're eyesight, 20-20?
[they all laugh]
Sabrina
Well, stab me in the back with a protractor, why don’t you? I can’t believe you guys are siding with Libby! She used to make fun of you all the time!
SSherman
Yeah, but now she’s our leader!
[under his breath] She’s not my leader.
What did you say, Gordie?
I said... you’re not my leader... you, you’re pushy and bossy... [hides behind Sabrina] ...And if Sabrina goes, I go.
[Scene cuts to the hallway as Gordie and Sabrina run away]
Sabrina
That was very brave of you, Gordie!
Sabrina
I just thought you should know the kid next door is chucking water balloons at our house.
Mm, I know. Hilda already went out there, she said she was going to do something about it.
Sabrina
He’s such a little creep, he’s going to break my window.
[from outside] YARR! prepare to be boarded, Timmy!
[there's a loud boom and a flash from outside and the sound of breaking glass]
Sabrina
What was that?!
[Hilda enters the room with a soot blackened face and wearing a tricorne hat, holding up a ram rod triumphantly]
Yes! I used my cannon - it stays!
Sabrina
No! My trophy won't shut up.
Well just tell it to... Huh?
Sabrina
It keeps calling me names. I don't know what's happening.
I take it you decided to compete in Kung Fu?
TTrophy
Yeah and she won. Cheater!
That explains it. The trophy is speaking your guilty conscience.
Sabrina
You told me to decide for myself, and I did!
TTrophy
And you decided wrong.
Sabrina
How do I get it to stop yapping?
Well, you could put a teeny weeny sock in his mouth, or you could clear your conscience.
Sabrina
Salem, were you in my closet again?
Sabrina
You ruined my favorite Christmas sweater!
Sabrina
It meant a lot to me!
Then you shouldn’t have hidden your diary under it.
Sabrina
You were reading my diary again?
Yes, and it’s duller than dish water...
Sabrina
I’ve told you a thousands times...
...When I was a teenager we-
Sabrina
...Stay out of my stuff-!
Stop it, you two! It’s Christmas Eve and I don’t want any more arguing. Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology. [Salem says nothing] Now!
I’m thinking of how to word it.
Somehow, that just doesn’t feel right...
Sabrina
Forget it, I don’t have time for this. I’ve gotta meet Harvey at The Slicery, but now I’ve gotta change, thanks to you!
Since you thanked me, can I ask a favor?
Sabrina
Excuse me, cat? You want a favor?
Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I’ve got a touch of cabin fever, and I'd really like to-
Sabrina
Are you insane?! I wouldn’t bring you to The Slicery if you were the last person-slash-cat on Earth! [Storms off]
[nonchalant] Man, what’s her problem?
You are so self centred, even for a cat.
[Thinking of a way to get Salem home]
Sabrina
Can we focus? Okay, we have five witches and a newt, we should be able to do something.
I’ve got it: We all hide inside a giant wooden horse!
[sarcastic] Hmm, that worked so well the last time.
Sabrina
What if I use my magic to pop into the house and grab Salem?
Too risky; if the little boy sees you, you're caught. How will you explain it?
Sabrina
I wouldn’t, I’d just knock him down and run out of there as fast as I could.
Oh, good plan! [Zelda nudges her ribs. Hard] Bad plan.
[Sabrina tries to pick up a pencil, but she falls off her chair]
[accusingly] What was that?
Sabrina
[quickly stands up] I dropped my pencil.
[scoffs] Oh, please! I know what’s going on here; you were leaning over to look at your neighbour's test!
Sabrina
[shocked] No! I-!
[interrupting, snatching Sabrina's test] That’s it! Come sit at my desk, you’ll take the test there! Then I won't have to worry about you cheating!
Sabrina
But I’ve never cheated on a test in my life!
Then this should be no problem.
What’s going on? I heard an explosion! [notices Sabrina] Oh, you're just making soup.
Sabrina
No, I’m stirring up a little revenge for Mr. Rothwell.
Sabrina
It was so humiliating. He made me take the test in front of the whole class.
Like some sort of zoo monkey?
Sabrina
Yeah. [imitates monkey] Co-Co hate teacher-man! [normally] Anyway, I know I flunked. So, I’m giving him an expanding butt until I can find the perfect revenge spell.
Well, you know nothing says "Pay-back" like [points to page in Magic Book] "Just Desserts"
Sabrina
[reading outloud] "The spell that guarantees he’ll get what’s coming to him"!
But, it’s only to be used as a last resort. You might want to try and deal with him the mortal way, first.
Sabrina
You mean TP his house?
Sabrina
I don’t want to. You talk to him.
Sabrina
Wait a second, how can being sentenced to teaching high school be sufficient punishment?
Because it’s the worst thing Mr. Rothwell can imagine.
Sabrina
But now kids are going to be stuck with him, year after year!
Well, whether he means to or not, he teaches a valuable lesson.
Sabrina
Some people are just jerks?
Yes, but if you study hard and you don’t let him get to you, you will pass algebra and then you can forget it. But he’s trapped in math forever.
Sabrina
So he did get his just desserts...
M-hm. And now, I think we should get frozen desserts.
[Salem lies on the windowsill, sighing heavily]
Sabrina
Poor Salem. Are you going to be okay?
I guess... with time... No...!
Sabrina
Don’t worry, you’ll be happy again soon.
Please! Shelly was the love of my life! What would ever replace her in my heart?
Sabrina
Maybe this’ll help;
[Sabrina conjures up...]
A GIANT BALL OF YARN?! [leaps onto it] OH, THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!
Sabrina
[smiles] I thought you’d like it.
Like it?! I don’t even remember her name!
Hi, kitten! I just made tuna noodle casserole! [lifts lid of casserole dish and is enveloped by a cloud of steam] What do you think? [coughs]
Sabrina
I think you’re both over done. [pulls out a piece of paper] Here, I made a list of possible topics for tonight’s dinner conversation. Now, if one doesn’t work, move on, but don’t stray from the list. [hands it to Hilda]
Hey, I think I know what to talk about. [reads list] Towels?
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch · 191 quotes
