Sabrina Spellman quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Harvey

You know, the only reason I took Home Ec. was so I could eat during class; Coach says I’ve still got to bulk up, and carbo-loading can get pretty lonely...

Sabrina

Well, we’ll keep you company any time you have to eat.

Jenny

Yeah, we’re good at that.

Harvey

Hey, I’m going to the pizza place tomorrow night to force down eight slices, do you guys wanna watch?

Sabrina

Sure, cool!

Jenny

Cool!

Harvey

Cool!

Libby

Hi Jenny, hi Sabrina.

Sabrina

Hey, is there something funny about our names?

Libby

Not Jenny’s.

Sabrina

You know, why don’t you guys just leave us alone? We’re not bothering you.

Libby

You’re still breathing, aren’t you, freak? [To Jenny] Double freak!

Sabrina

[To Jenny] We can’t let her get to us, [slams her locker shut in frustration] it’s what she wants. I just wish I knew what she was saying...

Jenny

Well, what difference does it make? Everything Libby says is a lie.

Sabrina

Hey, maybe we can retaliate by spreading lies about her.

Jenny

What can we say? That she’s actually nice and sweet?

Sabrina

Not much revenge in that...

Jenny

No. Face it, the world’d be a much better place if everyone told the truth - but you can’t stop someone from lying.

Zelda

Hey Hilda, have you seen the Jiffy Truth?

Hilda

Yeah, it’s in my bag. [goes over to it] I used it last week when I took my car in for repairs; It turns out I really did need new brake pads. [pulls out a box of sprinkles and hands it to Sabrina]

Sabrina

[reading box] "Jiffy Truth: one hundred percent refined truth, trace amounts of harsh reality. For best results, sprinkle on something sweet as the truth can be bitter."

Hilda

It is great stuff, it makes you reveal your true feelings. Oh, which reminds me: Zelda, the postman has a crush on you.

Zelda

[annoyed] That is not what the sprinkles are for! They should only be used in serious matters.

Sabrina

Well, this is serious; You remember Libby? Well, she’s been spreading lies about me and Jenny and... it’s really upsetting Jenny.

Hilda

Well, give Libby some sprinkles, and if those don’t work... [pulls out a plastic aerosol bottle from her bag] ..try some Lady Bald Spot. You just spray it, and-

Zelda

Hilda, that’s enough! Sabrina, you can take the sprinkles, but let me warn you: the truth can have painful side effects.

Sabrina

Like what?

Zelda

Itching, chafing, hurt feelings.

Sabrina

Sounds like gym class.

Sabrina

Do you want to try a piece of our cake?

Libby

Like I’d taste anything you gave me. What’s in it, poison?

Sabrina

No, just chocolate. [waves it under Libby’s nose] Lots of chocolate.

Libby

[smiling slightly] Really?

Sabrina

And sprinkles.

Libby

Oh, all right. [takes the plate] But I’m not going to start being nice to you.

Sabrina

That’s okay... [Libby takes a bite of the cake] I just want to ask you one question: Libby, what have you been saying about Jenny and me behind our backs?

Libby

Like I’d tell you! [swallows cake, and sprinkles' magic kicks in] Okay, here’s what I was saying: I was saying that her father’s in jail and that she cheats on taxes, and then I threw in that you had a nose job.

Sabrina

But those are all lies!

Libby

You don’t have to tell me!

What’s going on?

Libby

I was just telling Sabrina all the rumours we’ve been spreading about her.

Why? She’s not in the loop!

Libby

So? [to Sabrina] And by the way, it was Jill who made up the nose job story. Which is actually very funny, because er, she’s the one who... [taps her nose meaningfully]

[gasps] You swore you’d never tell!

Libby

...And C.C., she kisses her Pete Sampras poster every night...

You snitch!

Sabrina

I lied to you when I said I didn’t mind Harvey and you coming here alone. I do mind and I know you guys might be soul mates but...

Jenny

We’re not soul mates.

Sabrina

You're not?

Jenny

No. I mean, Harvey's really cute and he’s really nice, but you can’t build a life on that.

Sabrina

I’d be willing to give it a shot.

Harvey

[calling over] Are you guys talking about me?

Yes.

Harvey

Come talk about me over here.

Zelda

Sabrina, you should never be embarrassed by the truth.

Sabrina

Oh yeah? Then why did you change out of your dress?

Hilda

Sabrina, d’ya want some breakfast?

Sabrina

[glumly] No thanks, I’ll be out 'Rollerblah'ing.

Hilda

What’s wrong?

Salem

She wanted inline skates, but she wanted a brand name.

Hilda

[sympathetically] Oh, you can’t do that. We have strict copyright laws ever since the seventies, when witches way over did the Gucci.

Salem

You can still get decent knock off’s from the Hong Kong witches...

Sabrina

Well, I’m off to my job!

Zelda

You’re all dressed up.

Sabrina

Yeah, well, I want to make a good impression on the baby. [beat] And Harvey’s gonna be there.

Zelda

[knowingly] Oh...

Sabrina

Don’t "Oh" - We have a study date!

Hilda

[sceptical] Uh-huh...

Sabrina

Don’t "Uh-huh" - We have a test!

Salem

Mm-hm.

Sabrina

Don’t you start! Look, it’s no big deal, I mean Harvey could have asked anyone to study with him. [pauses, smiles] Of course, he did ask me...

Harvey

[about the house Sabrina's babysitting at] You should have just said "it’s the house with the flying duck on the mailbox".

Sabrina

You really notice mailboxes, don’t you?

Sabrina

[holding several candy bars and soda cans] I’ve found all kinds of great stuff! It’s, uh, not brand name, but I’m sure it tastes fine. [puts them on the coffee table]

Harvey

[reading the wrappers] ‘Schnickers’? ‘N&N’s’? ‘Butterthumb’? Where do these people shop?

Sabrina

I don’t know, but if you're thirsty, there’s ‘Popsi’.

Harvey

Do they have ‘Yoo-hoo’?

Sabrina

No, but they have ‘Hey, Over Here’.

Harvey

I think I’ll just have a diet Popsi.

Sabrina

[catches Salem playing with yarn] Salem... What are you doing?

Salem

Er... nothing?

Sabrina

It looks like you're playing with a ball of yarn.

Salem

I have urges, Sabrina.

Sabrina

Look, can we deal with your issues later? I’ve got a bigger problem. [picks him up and carries him away]

Salem

[mournfully] My yarn!

Sabrina

This magic ruins everything! He’s supposed to be in his crib sucking his thumb, and I’m supposed to be studying with Harvey!

Zelda

Oh...

Hilda

Uh-huh...

Sabrina

Stop that, this is serious!

Zelda

Oh, calm down Sabrina... Just try to figure out exactly what you did.

Sabrina

I don’t know, I don’t remember! Rudy was crying, I picked him up, I said "big boys don’t cry" and I rubbed his back!

Zelda

Did you say anything else?

Sabrina

I don’t think so...

Be a big boy!

Sabrina

...He’s right, I said ‘be a big boy’!

Zelda

And I bet you said it three times!

Hilda

Oh, mystery solved; You cast a passion spell!

Sabrina

Passion spell? What’s that?

Hilda

If you want something enough, and you say it three times, it might just happen.

Zelda

We like to call it a Travis.

Sabrina

Why?

Zelda

Randy Travis, Randy Travis, Randy Travis.

Hilda

I love this spell.

What a...What am I doin’ here?

Zelda

Oh, we were just illustrating a point for our niece. I hope we haven’t caught you at a bad time...

No, it’s fine. My wife does wonder where I keep popping off to, though... Will there be anything else?

Hilda

Maybe later.

If you need me, you’ll know where to find me. You always do. [leaves the classroom]

Hilda

Now, he is so cute!

Zelda

Oh, I love his new album...!

Sabrina

Can we get back to me, here?

Sabrina

Salem, you're back. How was jail?

Salem

Not bad, there’s a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I’d call the governor and plead his innocence.

Sabrina

See? I told you it was nice to help people.

Salem

Are you kidding? I’m not calling.

Zelda

Hello, Drell. What a pleasant surprise.

No, it's not. I summoned you and you're here. Hilda... What's with your hair?

Hilda

My new boyfriend likes it this way.

Oh, your new boyfriend. What's his name?

Hilda

Um...

Well, I hope you and "Um..." are very happy. Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us why we’re here?

Sabrina

I don’t know.

Stop me if something sounds familiar: Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.

Sabrina

[meekly] Oh. That.

Zelda

[alarmed] Sabrina?!

Hilda

You didn’t?!

Sabrina

I was just trying to help people!

"Help" is a four letter word, like "Dumb" and "Move". Am I right?

Sabrina

Well, first of all, the people I helped were happy.. but now, only one is, and he’s happy enough for all three of them, though. So-

Now, I should explain to you that when I say "Am I right?", IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I’m always right.

Zelda

Drell, please. Sabrina's a good kid.

Hilda

And things are hard on her. Her mother's in Peru. Her father's in a book.

And I'm in the land of "I Don't Care!" You're her guardians. You should have warned her that if you meddle with people's lives, terrible things could happen.

Zelda

Well, I did. That's exactly what I said.

Hilda

So did I.

Sabrina

So did Salem, but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.

Oh, geez. [over the intercom] Marge, get the guys down in Ominous Warnings to tweak up the reverb on the word "terrible." Terrible. Terrible. TERRIBLE!!!! Ooh, that's nice, that's nice. [over the intercom] Thank you, Marge. Now, that was Marge's mistake. [makes a hand gesture causing a flash of lightning and woman screaming outside his office] And now back to yours. Now, the football injury and class elections have no global consequences. You can mess with your pimply, pubescent peers all you want. Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy and wreak havoc on MY T-BILLS! Now, are you going to fix this [holds up a small cat collar] or should I gave Salem a little blonde KITTY FRIEND?!

Sabrina

No, I can fix it. I mean I just have to erase the knowledge, right? I don't have to destroy Mr. Pool.

You got a day. That's 23 hours to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post! [laughs] You're done! Go! Get outta here! [Sabrina and Zelda leave] Um, except you, Hilda. Why don't you, uh... stay a moment?

Sabrina

Mr. Pool, do you have a minute?

Mr. Pool

[depressed] Yes, a lifetime of them. And they are suddenly going by very slowly.