TV show quotes
(A talk show host and camera person walk through the door of the Lunch Box)
Roseanne, do you know who that is? That's Cindy Kenner from "Wake Up Chicago". She's on every morning at 8:00 a.m.
Oh, well I never see it because I never stay up that late anymore.
People love your opinionated, blue-collar outlook.
See, Dan. All these years people thought I was a bitch, but what I had was an opinionated, blue-collar outlook.
Hey! I am not divorced, single, desperate or lonely. What the hell do I need to exercise for?
There she is! You shameless hussy, you stole my man!
Stole you're mother's boyfriend, huh? Been there.
Oh, did I say best man? I meant main man.
Come out, Darlene, I can't wait to see you in my dress!
Whattaya mean, your dress? It's my dress! The first time I wore that dress... Roosevelt closed the banks.
That's right! (smugly) And when I wore that dress, I had to take it in ten inches!
Yeah, around the boobs!
So, how many times have you been married, Nana Mary?
I'm not sure. Uh...counting the cruises I've been on.
I got six sticks of dynamite strapped under here; the first chuckle takes us all out.
Darlene, ya look lovely- and don't worry, that little baby in there doesn't show at all. Ya know, all us dames, we all got knocked up before we got married- it's like tradition!
That is so weird that he said that, because I was abducted by aliens in woods just like these one time. For a month afterward, I could play World Champion Caliber Chess. And then it just went away.
I, David, promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, my fellow traveler on this planet, as we tread lightly and replenish what we have taken from this earth.
(to Dan) I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him. Did you hear that, did you hear what I just said?
Deer rifle.
And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, as we strive not for material possessions, but for contentment and peace of mind.
I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch. How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that?
Deer rifle.
And we know the best way that we can make it is to rely on each other, the way our parents, Dan and Roseanne Conner, have.
No matter how good or bad life has been to them, they always found the humor in it. We hope we can do the same.
I didn't even see that coming. Did you hear that?
Yeah, I heard that.
Minor heart attack? How minor could it be? If I was a car this would cost 8 or 900 bucks.
They probably have to keep you in the shop just over night. The good news is they're giving me a loaner husband.
But it's getting late, there's really nothing any of you guys can do here so unless one of you wants to go and give a liver to the guy in 308.
I really don't think it's wise for this family to be giving away livers.
[Dan has returned home from the hospital after suffering a heart attack]
Dad, you're home! Did you bring me anything?
Yeah, the gene for an early heart attack.
[Dan and Roseanne are having dinner there having peas, carrots, squash. after Roseanne confronts Dan about his candy bar fake walks and a burrito he had at a gas station]
Yeah, well, I know it's hard, but you just keep it up, A little bit of time passes, and then you're stuck in a rut, Which is right up your alley.
Well, doctor's orders or not, I can't do it. It's hell. I mean, I can't live this way. I mean, I want my food back, you know? Real food-- dead animals. Brightly colored snacks. Things on sticks.
Well, i'm not gonna keep cooking those crap dinners That got you in this mess in the first place, Dan.
What about the crap breakfasts? And the crap lunches?
Well gee Dan, if you don't like my cooking, why don't you just cook yourself?
Maybe I will.
Oh yeah? Maybe you should. That'd be fun to watch.
Fine. You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!
Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner eleven years ago.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
