You know, Mrs. Conner is gonna love this new linoleum.
No, no, no, no. Don't tell her it's new. See, every couple of years or so, she asks me to clean behind the stove, and I've always found that doing this is much easier.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Wow, look at all this stuff! I don't know where to start.
Well, I'll simplify it for you. Crackers are the appetizers we had in the car and, well, pasta, that's spaghetti and I would not pay $12.95 for a plate of spaghetti if they had Mr. Chef Boyardee hisself in the kitchen there.
What's wrong with this family?
Your father and i are really brothers.
Look, Mom, I found some really great colleges and..
But..
What's the but?
Mark is the but, I must go on about my point.
Do you think our kids are going to be as horrible to each other as we were, Roseanne? They're practically brothers.
No, we'll break the cycle, I'll raise Jerry to be as nice to Andy as I should've been to you.
I've been hearing a lot lately about how white men are to blame for everything, about how we have all the advantages, how we get all the breaks. But look at me and Bob, we ain't living in no mansions. We had to struggle for everything we got.
You struggled for this (waves hand referring to the Conner house).
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but at least they're not part of my sex life.
CComputer
Welcome. You've got mail.
Hello?
Did I hear right? Are we going on vacation?
NNarrator
Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky--played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, and then by Lecy Goranson--will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography is prohibited.
Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!
Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?
My brother and my boyfriend on the Dumbo ride and me without a camera to throw at them.
(being deprogrammed under a light) No, Mrs. Conner. I want to go back to Edelweiss Gardens so I can help people have fun again!
(a little angry) All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy--you frown, you're introspective, and you mope.
I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
Listen to me, David. We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise.
Oh no, no, no, no!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that, David? 'Cause I am an EXPERT on what is mediocre.
(David pants with anger)
That's good! You hate me now, don't you David?! You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?
No! No, no I don't! (back to smiling) You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!
(slaps him) LIAR! Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! RABBITS AND GEESE AND GOATS ARE NOT PEOPLE!! THEY DON'T SING AND DANCE!! THEY'RE FOOD!!!!!!!!!
(broken) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
There...There.... Welcome home, son.
(on moving to Chicago) There is so much to think about. Should we each buy our own food? Should we split the utilities? Should we have separate phone lines?
You know, erm... or we could just get married.
Yeah right! To who?
No, I mean, come on, there's a lot of advantages to being married, right?
Oh, I get it. You mean so we can get all the gifts and money from our friends.
Our friends? The only thing we'd get from them is beer and mono. David...
You're serious about this aren't you?
Yeah, I am.
Oh my God! (They kiss) Wait a minute! Haha, okay, Now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?
Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.
[about Darlene's pregnancy]
How? When?
When? Disney World!
You mean... that night after the fireworks?
Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.
Let's see, David is pale and kind of weak-kneed and all nervous, so no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me, and she said something nice to her brother. Ooh, I wonder. I know--you're pregnant!
(everybody laughs, except David and Darlene)
(yelling) That was my joke guess!
(There is a small pause, as Roseanne stares at them)
We're also getting married.
(A silence as they all took it in)
(Turns to Dan) Well this is just great. I can get one of those T-shirts that say 'World's Greatest Grandma' on it. And you can get yourself, um, I don`t know, a cane or something.
Not only are we going to have a grandchild roughly around the age of our own child, but our daughter is marrying the boy we considered to be our son. I think that makes us ...officially... THE white-trashiest people in ALL the land!
Yee-haw!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.