Are you ever sorry we got married?
Every second of my life.
Me, too.
You are, really?
[thinks] Nah.
OK, me neither, then.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
"Roseanne: Beer Commercial
The point is, you think this is a magic kingdom where you just sit up here on your throne!
Oh yeah?
Yeah! And you think everything gets done by some wonderful wizard - oh, poof, the laundry's folded; poof, dinner's on the table!
You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!
Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!
think i can't cook? i can cook. i'm cooking.
and i'll spend the rest of the night washing up the dishes.
hey, i do the dishes.
when?
thursday, 6:45 p. m.
nineteen seventy what?
[exasperated at Becky and Darlene's arguing] This is why some animals eat their young.
BeckyL Mom Dad Darlene cut her finger off!
Roseanne What Happened?
Becky She cut herself with the scissors.
Roseanne O.K. Let's Go
Take her to the emergency room. She needs a tourniquet!
Shut up, honey!
(About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.
You're not gonna get it.
There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.
And they're all better than you, I bet.
Hey, I'm pretty good.
You're not either.
I'm the best!
You're the worst!
I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(to Darlene) What did I tell you about killing your brother in the living room?
You only married me for my cooking.
Uh-uh. I married you 'cause you needed a date for your wedding!
[In the garage]
She's always telling people how to live their lives...
Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.
[from outside] Well, I do!
It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't come over every weekend.
Well, Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.
Hey! You can insult my wife and you can insult my children, but never badmouth my chili!
You knew when you married me that I had a sister!
But I didn't think she'd be be here every weekend.
Well, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.
Mom!!!
She's not here.
[to Becky and Darlene] OK, there's only one way to solve this problem. Give me that pillow [takes pillow from Darlene] and give me that blanket, too.[takes blanket from Becky] All right, now turn around and face each other here. [the girls face each other]. Now I want you two to fight to the death.
I'll get the tape.
No, I'll get the tape.
I'll get my tubes tied.
Where's your school spirit?
I lost it on prom night with everything else.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.