God, you're hiding food, Dan?!!
Yeah, with the cleaning products. It's the one place I knew you'd never look.
What was all that crap you were tellin' me in the hospital, that big speech about how you never cheated on me? What the hell do you call this?
Look, I am sick and tired of being treated like an invalid.
So you're just gonna do it, aren't ya? You're just gonna go right ahead and harden an artery right here in my kitchen!
I've got to live a little, Roseanne. You won't let me eat anything, you won't let me take any calls from work...
Yeah, and I'm not gonna let you talk anymore either, so shut up!
Just keep your nose out of my work. It's none of your business, Roseanne. I managed to get along just fine without any of your help.
"Without any of my help"? What the hell do you think I was doing all those years at Wellman's, and Rodbell's, and the beauty parlor, and the diner? Do you think I was just earning enough money to go out and buy new hats? If it wasn't for me, the bank would've came and took this house a long time ago, Dan!
Hey! I always pulled in more money than you brought in!
Oh yeah? Well, what about that year when your bike shop went broke? (Dan ignores that retort and continues making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) Oh yeah! Do it, Dan! You're gonna show me, aren't you? Oh, spread it on! Nothing in moderation, right?
Oh yeah, not for the indestructible Dan Connor! Drinker, biker, party boy right from the sixties! "If it feels good, do it", or in your case "If it tastes good, eat it".
You know what you are, Dan? You are a big, fat guy with absolutely no self-control! You're Jerry Garcia without the music.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Let's back up here! You're calling ME fat?
Yeah, I'm calling you fat.
Well, if that ain't THE BIG FAT POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK!
You better not be calling me fat!
Well, that's what i'm doing. Fat fat
Fine, if you don't want the food I make, Dan, Then [shoves the food off the kitchen table] we'll just get rid of it. Okay? And you know what? We don't need any more of this health food Either [shoves the food off the kitchen shelf] so that goes too.
Oh, of course you are, Dan, because that's what you always do when anything gets to damn real around here!
Yes, you do! You run to that TV and walk away from me every single time there's a problem in this family!
Why the hell shouldn't I walk away? You never let me do squat around here! Problem with the kids? Hey, you'll handle it, cause I'd sure as hell just screw it up! I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were. And just look at the way they turned out!
I think they turned out great.
Oh, please, Roseanne! Look at them. They're not exactly the Kennedy kids.
No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!
They're failures, Roseanne, and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother!
The only way I "failed as a mother" was to let Becky and Darlene get married so young, that they threw their whole life away on a man, JUST LIKE I DID!
You didn't throw away a thing.
Yes, I did, Dan. I threw everything away. But, all that's going to change, because from now on, I'm going to put all my energy into that TV show.
Well, that's fine. That's just great. Go on.
I'm gonna show my daughters that you don't have to give up your dreams for some stupid guy!
That's fine! Well, you just move to Chicago for all I care. Then, maybe, your damn family won't be hangin' around here all the time, give me some room for my family to come. Hell, they can't even show up for Thanksgiving anymore!
Oh, so that's it, huh? It's my fault that you have no kind of relationship with your family? God, you are PATHETIC!! Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother?!
Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help, instead of letting her run around the streets, like yours, scaring people!
Well, my mother may be like fingernails on a chalkboard, Dan. But, at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!
Well, that's perfect. You got an answer for everything, don't you.
Yeah, well, why don't you tell me how to clean up this... [breaks the mantelpieces] CRAP that you call decoration?!!
Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up, using your ass, and start with the pointy things!
You are a controlling BITCH!!!(flips the coffee table over)
No I'm not, Dan, I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you to get up off of your ass and and stop staring at that... [breaks television screen with Godzilla figure] damn TV!
Boy, I tell ya, I wished I had never mar--
Well that makes two of us. [sighs heavily] You can die if you want to Dan, but you're gonna have to do it alone, because I'm not going to sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [storms out, slamming the door]
Roseanne! Roseanne! Where are you? I've got to tell you something!
(rushing out to the living room in her bra) What? Where's my baby? What?
We won the lottery! This is the winning lottery ticket, I've got it right here! Remember, you told me to watch it on TV!
What are you talking about?
We won the lottery, I can't believe it!
The lottery! The Illinois State Lottery, it's the biggest one in the history of Illinois! It's 108 million dollars!
We're the people that picked the six winning numbers.
Oh my God, so you're telling me -- (pauses while Jackie seems to be gasping for air) -- you're telling me -- (pauses again as she seems to be trying to grasp the subject) -- you're telling me that we won the Illinois State Lottery for 108 million dollars; is that what you're telling me? Is that what you're telling me??
NO! Dan has just had a heart attack and this kind of thing could kill him!
Nothing, nothing is wrong.
Nothing is wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.
Dan, Dan, I have something to tell you, but before I tell you, you have to promise me that you are not going to collapse or turn blue or anything like that.
OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD, WE WON THE LOTTERY!! OH MY GOD!!
(DJ comes down the stairs as Roseanne is riding piggy back on Dan's back, both of them with Jackie screaming raucously.)
(talking to DJ) Hey, hey. Go get my shirt.
(Darlene has tearfully told Roseanne that nobody deserves the lottery more than she and Dan)
(laughs) Aww, honey, those are those pregnancy hormones kicking in(hugs Darlene). We should've gotten you knocked up :years ago!
Hi, everybody! (notices Darlene, who's pregnant) Darlene, how ya doing?
Well, I've had morning sickness, evening sickness, roll-down-the-window-when-you're-driving sickness, my shoes don't fit, my rings don't fit, my clothes don't fit, my vision's blurry, and if you want to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand-new hemorrhoids! (smiles cheerfully; Jackie grimaces)
Well I told you, DJ. I gotta go back and take care of Mom.
DJ, nothing bad's going on.
Your mom is fine so why are you leaving?
Quit lying to me!!! Fine! Don't Tell me!
Dan What the hell does that mean?
You just hate me, is that it?
I love your mother. I love you Becky, Darlene and Jerry. I hope you understand someday.
Look I understand plenty, Dad! Have a nice trip! (As D.J. pushes the suitcase, he storms off and slams the door)
Look David, I ain't no philosopher. But everyone knows that there's good and there's bad, okay? Nobody thinks that the bad stuff is ever gonna happen to them, and then one day, wham! – all of a sudden it does. And you think that there's no way that you can go on. But the day goes by, and another day goes by, then a week, a month, a year. And when you look back, you'll say "Hey, I got through this. I don't know how, but I made it".
