DJ Conner quotes from Roseanne

D.J.

It's wrong to use swear words, right? So how come you swear so much?

Roseanne

Well, because... um... sometimes it's real hard not to, you know. But... if I swore as much as I wanted to, I'd never say anything else... so... so, you see, I'm- I'm using restraint, and God loves that.

Darlene

You wanna know why I swear, D.J.?

D.J.

Yeah, why?

Darlene

Shut the hell up!

D.J.

Doesn't Leon know that you got another stove before this one?

Roseanne

Of course not!

D.J.

But you said it was only okay with God to cheat a big company who cheated you. But you weren't giving Leon any of his money.

Roseanne

Listen to me, D.J. In the Bible it states, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's," okay; it doesn't say no damn thing about rendering nothing unto Leon!

D.J.

But Mom...

Roseanne

No, D.J.! Would you get off my back?! Even God took a day off!!!

Roseanne

You're doing that play and that's all there is to it.

D.J.

Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you.

Roseanne

Are you new?

Dan

You're gonna kiss a lot of girls in your life, and they're all gonna be different.

D.J.

Well, do you even think I should kiss Lila Matthews?

Dan

What's different about her?

D.J.

Well, Ralph says she uses her tongue.

Dan

I'd go for it.

Jackie

Wha- Did you hear that?! D.J.'s gonna take something that's dead and bring it back to life- that's like playing God!

Darlene

I'm sure God was thrilled by that comparison. [She walks over to where D.J. is thawing the bee] Ooh, nice- we haven't cooked out in a long time!

D.J.

It just takes a minute.

Jackie

I feel like there oughta be spooky music playing! [she makes lame spooky sounds]

Darlene

Please, please be a killer bee! Why don't you just zap it in the microwave?

D.J.

Tried that. Blew up.

David

[walks in] What are you doing?

Darlene

Bringing a bee back to life.

David

Okay [leaves]

Jackie

Y'know, D.J., bees are very intelligent creatures, and their amazingly devoted. I read someplace that if you kill one, the whole hive comes and finds your scent and kills you.

Darlene

Actually, it's his scent that tends to kill them.

D.J.

D'you see?

Jackie

Oh, my God Darlene look, it's a miracle, the bee's alive.

Darlene

[very bored] Truly, He is the Son of God.

D.J.

See, I told you I could do it! Look, he's getting ready to take off- there he goes!-

Darlene

Now, if you bring that one back, I'll be really impressed!

DJ

(as an Indian on the First Thanksgiving) Welcome brothers. Share in our bountiful feast.

Looks like there is not enough seats at the table.

DJ

Then we shall make more benches.

Nah, let's make some dead Indians!

DJ

Quick, David. You gotta help me. A couple of my mice got loose and if my mom finds out, she's gonna kill me!

David

If two little mice live and one little boy is killed, then justice has been served.

DJ

Dad, you're home! Did you bring me anything?

Dan

Yeah, the gene for an early heart attack.

D.J.

Why are you going?

Dan

Well I told you, DJ. I gotta go back and take care of Mom.

D.J.

Why are you going back?

Dan

DJ, nothing bad's going on.

D.J.

Your mom is fine so why are you leaving?

Dan

DJ, quit yelling at me

D.J.

Quit lying to me!!! Fine! Don't Tell me!

D.J.

You just hate me, is that it?

Dan

No, I don't hate you

D.J.

You hate mom?

Dan

I love your mother. I love you Becky, Darlene and Jerry. I hope you understand someday.

D.J.

Look I understand plenty, Dad! Have a nice trip! (As D.J. pushes the suitcase, he storms off and slams the door)