Jackie Harris quotes from Roseanne

Jackie

Fork over the bread, Fred.

Dan

Don't hurry back, Jack.

Jackie

Thanks for the cash...stupid.

Jackie

It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right....What was your name again?

Roseanne

Sally Field!

Jackie

You act like some big high-and-mighty, self-righteous, pedestal-type person, and you poo-poo everything in my life.

Roseanne

Yeah, and you go right for your addictive behavior. Uh, because you cannot handle conflict. That is the whole thing: you cannot handle conflict. Remember, we saw that whole thing on Oprah: People who cannot handle conflict, so right away, they run for the alcohol.

Jackie

Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne. You know, people who live in glass houses shouldn't eat stones.

Jackie

Roseanne, Goodbye.

Roseanne

Oh, Jackie, Grow up!

Jackie

Oh, Go to Hell! (Slams the door)

Roseanne

This IS Hell!

Jackie

Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?

Roseanne

Oh yeah, she was scary.

Who's Mrs. Osmand?

Jackie

Oh, she was this madwoman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.

Roseanne

Too bad she never did it on Halloween.

Jackie

Hey, sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?

Roseanne

Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.

Darlene

Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?

Roseanne

If she's truly insane she will.

Roseanne

You can't put someone on the stand I already killed!

Jackie

Allegedly killed, your Honor.

Overruled.

Roseanne

And don't say a thing to mom about you being a cop.

Jackie

Why not?

Roseanne

Because I don't want her dropping dead of a heart attack at the dinner table!

Dan

Why not?

Roseanne

I guess so...

Well why didn't she say something to me about it?

Jackie

I don't want to talk about this anymore! (starts sobbing)

Roseanne

Well that's one thing I love about this family, we don't want to talk about something, so we bring it up at the dinner table! Here! Have some turkey! (slaps down a grotesquely carved turkey)

Roseanne

Anyway, what do you know about this? You're not even a mom!

Jackie

When are you gonna quit throwing that up to me?!

Roseanne

When your water breaks!

J-bird, you're an experienced woman, right?

Jackie

I'm not all that experienced.

But, you have dated a lot of boys.

Jackie

Yes, and a couple of men. At least one.

Dan

I've never washed dishes with another woman before.

Jackie

Ha-ha. How does it feel?

Dan

Cheap.

Roseanne

I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Divine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job wherein I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.

Jackie

Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very well.

Aunt Jackie, how come Mom is so heavy and you're so thin?

Jackie

It'sssss... genetics.

[looking at each other in horror] OH MY GOD!

Jackie

You know, cops got a saying: You never pull a dead man out of a seat belt.

Darlene

What, you just leave them there?

Jackie

Some cops do, I don't.

Jackie

Are you sure Dan doesn't know?

Roseanne

No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.

Jackie

How did you manage that?

Roseanne

I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.