Darlene Conner quotes from Roseanne

Jackie

You know, cops got a saying: You never pull a dead man out of a seat belt.

Darlene

What, you just leave them there?

Jackie

Some cops do, I don't.

Darlene

Mom, did you fly through the windshield or something?

Roseanne

No, but I'd like to try that someday.

Dan

So, who are these guys?

The Splitting Headaches!

Dan

And what's the name of this song?

Darlene

Pounding!

Dan

So, basically, we're listening to Pounding by The Splitting Headaches?

Darlene

[on the new baby] I just don't think it's fair that you should expect me to clean the baby, or wash it, or watch it while it sleeps, or change its diapers---

Roseanne

[putting her arm around Darlene] I guess what you're saying here is that you just feel that three children are enough for this house.

Darlene

Well, yeah.

Roseanne

[takes her arm from around Darlene] We're gonna miss you, Darlene.

Darlene

I hear he does the nasty with college girls

Roseanne

...WELL. I certainly hope he gets extra credit for that.

He just dated some senior who took some college classes- no big deal!

Roseanne

No, of course not. (arranging Becky's hair) Whattaya think, Dan? Pigtails, ribbons?

Dan

(watching TV) Works for me.

Darlene

Good luck covering up those fresh zits tonight, Princess.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm anatomically correct.

Darlene

Yeah, and I'll bet you just can't wait to show Robert.

What was that for?

Darlene

For thinking cheerleaders are stupid.

Well, I don't think they're stupid. I think they're complete idiots. [he and Darlene embrace and begin to make out]

Darlene

Did you get felt up?

No.

Darlene

Huh! I did.

Darlene

(on the phone) Hello? Yeah! I'd love to. Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call. You wanna buy me dinner? Well gee, what's in it for you? Oh, sure I put out. Everybody knows that.

Roseanne

Darlene, what are you doing?

Darlene

Oh don't worry, Mom, he thinks it's Becky.

Roseanne

Oh, OK.

Mother! I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!

Darlene

[as Becky chases her] Sorry, gotta go. [Hangs up, to Becky] 7:30, don't dress.

You're dead!

[mockingly] Sorry, Darlene, am I in your way?

Darlene

Well, we got a 19 inch TV, and you got a 25 inch butt.

Darlene

Mom, I worked it out with Becky. She's gonna stay home and babysit D.J., and I'm gonna go out.

Roseanne

Now, why would she make a deal like that?

Darlene

Well, I had dirt on her.

Roseanne

... What kinda dirt?

Darlene

Now, if I told you, I'd have to stay home. (leaves, Becky comes in)

Roseanne

So, what do you think your punishment oughta be?

What do you mean?

Roseanne

Darlene told me everything.

That little rat.

Roseanne

I told her I wasn't going to do anything about it till I get your side of the story.

Well, first we... wait a minute. (grins and shakes her head) Uh-uh.

Roseanne

...You're gettin' good.

Darlene

If D.J. was doing something weird, now I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away, right?

Roseanne

Yeah, but he'd find his way back, like you always do. What's going on?

He's doing something really weird.

Roseanne

Gosh, I am so tired of this, you know. It's really really boring, every time the kid does anything, you girls come down here squawking about it. Now I told you before, he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does them differently. He's a boy!

Darlene

Real different.

Roseanne

Oh, it looks like D.J. got himself a hobby.

Mother! These are my old dolls!

Dan

Oh geez, he's not playing with dolls, is he? (Darlene shows him the box of beheaded Barbies) That's a relief.

Darlene

Mom!

D.J.

Mom!

Roseanne

What?

Dan

Darlene's sayin' everything DJ says a second before he says it.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] God, that's so immature!

Roseanne

Hey Darlene, did you ever think about banging your head into the table real hard? Maybe he'll knock himself out.

Darlene

[sarcastically] Thank you very much.

D.J.

Thank you very much.

Darlene

[chasing D.J. upstairs] You're dead!

D.J.

You're dead!

Roseanne

[to Dan] Whew! How's it goin'?

Dan

Whew! How's it goin'?

Darlene

If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.

Roseanne

See, Dan, I told you, D.J. is small for his age.