Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

I hear he does the nasty with college girls

Roseanne

...WELL. I certainly hope he gets extra credit for that.

He just dated some senior who took some college classes- no big deal!

Roseanne

No, of course not. (arranging Becky's hair) Whattaya think, Dan? Pigtails, ribbons?

Dan

(watching TV) Works for me.

Roseanne

(sarcastically, after the above incident) Well, thanks for your help.

Dan

What?

Roseanne

Don't you have anything to say about what Darlene just did?

Dan

Yes. If only she would use her power for good instead of evil.

Mom, Darlene's hogging the bathroom. She's doing her homework and she locked me out, and I really need to get in.

Roseanne

Darlene's doing her homework! Oh, honey!

Dan

Oh, it's a proud, proud day!

Darlene

If D.J. was doing something weird, now I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away, right?

Roseanne

Yeah, but he'd find his way back, like you always do. What's going on?

He's doing something really weird.

Roseanne

Gosh, I am so tired of this, you know. It's really really boring, every time the kid does anything, you girls come down here squawking about it. Now I told you before, he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does them differently. He's a boy!

Darlene

Real different.

Roseanne

Oh, it looks like D.J. got himself a hobby.

Mother! These are my old dolls!

Dan

Oh geez, he's not playing with dolls, is he? (Darlene shows him the box of beheaded Barbies) That's a relief.

Darlene

Mom!

D.J.

Mom!

Roseanne

What?

Dan

Darlene's sayin' everything DJ says a second before he says it.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] God, that's so immature!

Roseanne

Hey Darlene, did you ever think about banging your head into the table real hard? Maybe he'll knock himself out.

Darlene

[sarcastically] Thank you very much.

D.J.

Thank you very much.

Darlene

[chasing D.J. upstairs] You're dead!

D.J.

You're dead!

Roseanne

[to Dan] Whew! How's it goin'?

Dan

Whew! How's it goin'?

Mark

Oh, ya think ya can stop me from seeing Becky, huh?

Dan

I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.

Roseanne

Me too!

Dan

[seductively] Roseanne, I've been thinkin'... what if my manly abilities aren't really mine, what if it's the mattress?

Roseanne

I thought it was the mattress.

Dan

No, I mean, what if I can't wow you in the new bed?

Roseanne

Well, you didn't have no trouble when we brought home that new kitchen table.

Dan

Do I have to spell it out for ya? [making movements to illustrate each letter as he speaks] P-M-S!

D.J.

OH MY GOD! [dives under the kitchen table to hide]

Jackie

Are you sure?

Dan

Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.

Crystal

I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.

Dan

And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?

I'm gonna be at the mall.

Darlene

I've got basketball practice.

Crystal

Me too.

Jackie

Wait! No, you can't leave!

Dan

Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.

Jackie

Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety...physical pain.

Dan

And it's rough on your mother, too.

Roseanne

[toasting Dan at his party] So here's to you, Dan Conner, my husband, my soulmate, my friend, my rock...

Dan

[to himself] God, please, let this be over...

Roseanne

...a great big rock that just sits on my couch and does nothing but watch TV!

Dan

[to himself] That's it - God's a woman.

Roseanne

Oh, occasionally, y'know, it'll ask for a beer and then I have to go in there and get it because after all, it is just a ROCK, and a rock can't just tip itself over and roll over to the refrigerator, can it? So I have to get the beer for it... yep! A big, TV-watching, beer-drinking rock. But he's MY rock, and I must live with it. [downs her champagne in one gulp]

Jackie

So Happy Birthday, Dan!

Jackie

Make a wish, Dan!

Dan

[to himself] YES! I got my wish!

Jackie

Say, guys, um... your son just gave Gilligan the finger.

Roseanne

Dan...

Dan

Well, he's the reason they're still stuck on that island!

Roseanne

(sternly) Dan!

Dan

Alright, Alright. DJ! Get in here, little buddy!

Roseanne

BECKY!!!

DJ

Yeah?

Dan

Have a seat, okay? Let's see, uh, how can I explain this? Ah! Ok, this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors, and see the big guy in the third row? Just don't ever stick him up in the air at anybody.

D.J.

But Mom did it when she was driving!

Roseanne

Well, the idiot cuts me off!