Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

What is the problem?!! You guys drink all the time!

Dan

First of all, we don't drink all the time; second of all, we're not talking about US!

(sarcastically) Look, I have one drink and you're acting like I'm an alcoholic. Oh quick, I'll call the 800 number.

Roseanne

We ARE your 800 number, Becky.

Dan

I've never washed dishes with another woman before.

Jackie

Ha-ha. How does it feel?

Dan

Cheap.

Roseanne

[on her pants] I guess they didn't shrink, I just grew!

Dan

[putting an arm around Roseanne] I think we've grown together.

Roseanne

We've gotta go on a diet.

Dan

What's this we jazz? My pants fit fine.

Roseanne

Well, my pants don't fit me!

Dan

Well, your pants don't fit me either.

Darlene

Aw, face it. You're both tanks.

Roseanne

Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!

Darlene

Oh right. Like I invented double dutch chocolate.

Roseanne

No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.

Dan

Me too!

Darlene

Twenty pounds?

Roseanne

Okay, forty pounds...[pauses] With each kid.

Dan

Me too!

Dan

What do you guys think? You think your mom needs to lose weight?

D.J.

No, I like you mushy.

Say, when was the last time you tasted real butterscotch? Creamy, smooth butterscotch with walnuts, surrounded by delicious milk chocolate. Have a Yummy Bar - you deserve it.

Dan

You okay?

Roseanne

[feebly] Yeah... yeah, I'm just... yeah, I'm gonna get a diet soda.

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Come on, kids...

Roseanne

I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!! [flees into the kitchen]

(talking about Jackie) She-she's fun. She's sexy and she's bright. She's a little crazy, too, but, ya know, that's okay with me 'cuz I could use a little crazy in my life.

Dan

She can provide that.

Hey, Dad, can't you see Aunt Jackie in one of these?

Dan

I don't know, babe. I think Aunt Jackie's body might reject a white dress.

Roseanne

I finally get some time off and I can't do a damned thing. The kids are in there eating canned spaghetti.

Dan

Hey, they like canned spaghetti.

Roseanne

Well, not for breakfast.

Roseanne

Next year, we're starting in June.

Dan

Next year we ain't filing.

Roseanne

We'll go to prison, of course I bet you don't have to file for prison.

Thanks for, you know, coming.

I love you.

Dan

Yeah, I know... And here's a 10 spot for saying so.

Dan

So, who are these guys?

The Splitting Headaches!

Dan

And what's the name of this song?

Darlene

Pounding!

Dan

So, basically, we're listening to Pounding by The Splitting Headaches?

You did forget, I can't believe it!

Dan

[to Darlene] A little help. [Darlene imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring] Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

Dan

[knocking on door of bathroom, where Roseanne, Jackie and Crystal are about to start Roseanne's pregnancy test] Roseanne, what the hell is going on in there?

Roseanne

We're worshiping Satan, honey. We'll be right out.

D.J.

Was I an accident?

Roseanne

... No, D.J., you were... a surprise.

D.J.

Oh. What's the difference?

Roseanne

Well, an accident is something that, if you had to do it over again, you wouldn't, but a surprise is something that you didn't even know you wanted till you got it.

D.J.

Was Darlene an accident?

Dan

No, Darlene was a disaster.